GRANT REQUEST FOR GREENE TO STOP MAKING FUN OF ME
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GRANT REQUEST FOR GREENE TO STOP MAKING FUN OF ME

PROBLEM

The average human lifespan (as of current year 1980) is 75 years1 — a drastic, and perhaps, the greatest improvement mankind has achieved through the proliferation of the global economy and improved living conditions.2 However, we believe special attention should be directed to an individual (whom we will be referring to as "GREENE" for the sake of anonymity). GREENE was a valued member and researcher of Prometheus Labs, but also an anomaly that may dial down that number to a single digit.

Why? GREENE is able to generate negative productivity, objectively summarized as the permanent loss of motivation — examples include lack of enthusiasm in performing ordinary day-to-day activities, as well as the altered perception of continued employment in Prometheus Labs. Whether GREENE, as a human individual, can be definitively linked to causation of this effect is debatable, and requires further study. However, our preliminary findings indicate a strong positive correlation between GREENE's presence and the degradation of our members' ability to exercise proper conduct in the workplace, and hence should not be trivialized.

Primary sources suggest that this effect is not restricted solely to GREENE's proximity to their target subject, but rather, the current ability of the Homo sapiens species to perceive audio and visual disturbances in their surroundings.3 Therefore, after extensive algorithmic calculations, it is projected that Prometheus Labs will collapse three months from now.

SOLUTION

In response to this problem, we believe that expulsion is insufficient, and may require meticulous supervision in order for consolidation and execution of the solution to reach maximum efficiency before the precipitating event. To safely defuse the threat, we believe that one should go for the roots: GREENE's apparent confusion in comprehending personal space which in turn stems from their flawed perception of the source of what they derive "fun" from.

So, we effectively call for the end to access to "fun".

Past studies regarding the derivation of the word "fun" have been contradictory and generated intense disputes.4 In contrast, all research findings, especially in school academia, agree on a reliable method of eliminating "fun", primarily due to hypothetical ease in neutralizing "fun", unlike generating "fun".5

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Fig. 1: Floor layout of the chamber. White circle = GREENE. Red circle = Elan-Vital Duplicate. Lines indicate exchange of information.

Pre-medieval resolution methods in England and France involved the incorporation of the Elan-Vital energy replication process into an enclosed chamber, remote from any other source of human contact.6

The chamber used in pre-medieval times was constructed out of felled tree bark to resemble a small, 4m x 4m x 4m cabin, located at a remote location, preferably in a nearby forested area. The subject was escorted inside, where basic sustenance lasting for at least two days was provided, free of charge. Occultists would cast a spell to reinforce the exterior of the chamber, immune to any damage. Runes would be drawn on the door to complete the preparations.

Unwittingly, a portion of the subject's Elan-Vital energy would be extracted and replicated to form a pataphysical copy of themselves, who would engage with the subject. This process repeats until the subject verbally or physically expresses regret for their actions, after which they are removed from the chamber.

Similarly, our solution encompasses said methodology, except that the subject will not be strung upside down in the room as this may result in an unintended death.

BUSINESS CASE

This project is specially reserved for a quiet moment of reflection of one's deeds and past actions, especially GREENE. Hence, its use is compatible with nearly all demographics serving under Prometheus Labs. However, it should be noted that this does not apply to a situation involving the Senior Executive Board in compliance with corporate regulations.

Currently, our project is purposed for internal use only. Should it succeed (ie. a productivity increase and improved performance), we plan to penetrate into markets within authoritarian states in exchange for expansion of the scope of our operations.7 Oligarchic regimes apply as well.

Also, the survival of Prometheus Labs hinges on this project.

USE OF FUNDING

First, the following crucial construction components are required:

  • An empty, cubical room (preferably an unused break room in the basement levels) within Prometheus Labs that has not been in use for at least two weeks (140 USD - 260 USD est.)
  • 1,500 1.0m x 0.5m wooden planks (500 USD - 750 USD est.)
  • 1,200 chalk sticks (150 USD - 300 USD est.)
  • 2,500 steel sheets (250 USD - 350 USD est.)
  • 500 Master Lock combination padlocks (350 USD - 510 USD est.)
  • 250 body bags (250 USD - 400 USD est.)

All of these materials are needed to provide a safe, reinforced chamber for the process to undergo smoothly.

Second, the following manpower is required:

  • 30 bloodline descendants of the occultists (wage of 25 USD for each)
  • 2 carpenters, preferably involved in the paracarpentry black market (wage of 60 USD for each)
  • 2 metal welders, preferably involved in the parametallurgy black market (wage of 30 USD for each)
  • 8 contracted convicts serving the [REMOVED FOR ANONYMITY] gang (wage of 200 USD for each)

The funds for these are planned to be secured internally. As of now, we have managed to collect a total of 600 USD from an undisclosed number of Prometheus Labs employees with their consent, displaying their open support for the project. Our team plans to appeal to our beneficiaries, emphasizing on the importance of this project and the potential consequences of failure.

KNOWN ISSUES

Primary sources, as well as inspection of gym visitations, indicate that GREENE has exceptional physique, measuring at 74.18% muscle mass. Additionally, GREENE has undertaken several martial arts courses for the past three weeks and adopted a single diet consisting of chicken breast, four raw eggs, and one 500ml carton of fat-free milk daily.

Resistance is expected, but we are confident that the project will achieve greater success if the operation begins anytime between 11:00PM - 5:00AM, when GREENE is most compliant with instructions.

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