How was I to know they spat in the eye of God?
The following information is an abridged summary of major events pertaining to the interaction between the following anomalies. It contains retrieved primary sources and speculative eschatological projections.
The following anomalies have been involved in the events described herein, but their direct relevance remains under investigation.
July 28, 1945: James Robert Davis is born on a farm in Marion, Indiana, alerting multiple Eschatological Monitoring Functions. This event is currently known as SCP-7966.
The theological resonance signature of Davis is found to match those of several extant artifacts such as the Holy Prepuce. The Horizon Initiative releases the following statement within the anomalous community.
Joint Statement of the Tribunal
Recently, our scientifically minded colleagues have suggested their measurements declare the reappearance of Yeshua, son of Yosef of Natsrat, more commonly known as Jesus of Nazareth or Jesus Christ.
Understand that there is no evidence either way that this child is a messiah, whether his coming is the first or the second. In light of this, we remind you of our shared heritage:
The Messiah at the Gates of Rome, Babylonian Talmud:
Joshua went to Rome and met the Messiah and greeted him, saying "peace upon thee, Master and Teacher" and the Messiah replied "peace upon thee, O son of Levi." Joshua then asked "When will you be coming?" and was told "Today!".
Joshua went back to Elijah and was asked what the Messiah said. 'Peace upon thee, O son of Levi', Joshua replied, and Elijah told him that that meant that he and his father would have a place in the world to come.
Joshua then said that the Messiah had not told him the truth, because he had promised to come today but had not. Elijah explained "This is what he said to thee, To-day, if ye will hear his voice"
Matthew 24:36-37, King James Version:
But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only. But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
Hadith, Abu Dawood:
The Prophet said: There is no prophet between me and him, that is, Isa. He will descend (to the earth). When you see him, recognise him: a man of medium height, reddish fair, wearing two light yellow garments, looking as if drops were falling down from his head though it will not be wet. He will fight the people for the cause of Islam. He will break the cross, kill swine, and abolish jizyah. Allah will perish all religions except Islam. He will destroy the Antichrist and will live on the earth for forty years and then he will die. The Muslims will pray over him.
The Horizon Initiative unanimously denies that this event should be treated as the appearance of the Messiah by Jewish members, as the Second Coming of Christ by Christian members, or the end of times by Muslim members. While both EVE and Akiva emissions bear an uncanny resemblance to that of Yeshua, son of Yosef of Natsrat, we view it as theologically untenable that scientific measurements can confirm Jesus's rebirth and morally fallacious to burden a child with the associated expectations, as this rebirth matches no prophecy known to our shared heritage.
Contemporaneously, the following statement was decrypted from GoI-5054, "the Giftschreiber", an Austrian society of primitive memeticists dedicated to the idea of global anarchy.
The significance of the following passage was unknown at the time of initial decryption, but has been included here to provide context in light of later developments.
I am not a man of faith, Ella.
Yet all the portents, all the whispers of learned men, all the grand and twisted equations, even the dreadful designs of the Schriftsteller tell us this with certainty: That this is the Christ-child reborn.
I am aware of the absurdity. There are many things in this world which claim to be the Christ — a corpse in a vat of milk in Poland, a distended thing that appears should you consume a Bible, an Overseer of [REDACTED]. All their claims are equally true, equally false. That does not mean another contender should be treated with anything but the utmost urgency.
Attempting to Herod the child will result in inevitable failure. My recommendation is that we divert this child from its purpose.
Fate will throw twists and turns at us, but we shall adapt. Yes, this world is due to end — but on our terms.
O.D. Leimann1
1959-1963: Davis joins the staff of Fairmount High School's student newspaper, The Breeze, and eventually becomes art editor. Despite His position, He does not attempt to convey morality or produce religious teachings.
This nascent Christ loves animals, have you noticed, Liz? Though perhaps His love is less the naturalism of Pan but the shrewdness of the rancher. It evokes Lewis's Narnia: A childish fairy tale, a tired didacticism of the Christian morality of the age — though that is given way to the Moloch of capitalism; God is dead, as Nietzsche said when the demiurge fell — a potent fairy tale to confuse the weak of heart and mind.
Perhaps this might be an opportunity.
Perhaps we might waylay the immanentization of the eschaton through childish things.
O.D. Leimann
1962: "Cryptomancer"2 Thilo Zwist creates the comic strip Polk the Lazy Cat in order to combat the effects of SCP-5382, a memetic infection embedded in Germanic languages that induces fatal spontaneous combustion in its victims.
There is a curse upon the English language.
You know this. I know this. One of our eternal enemies maladied our speech with wonderful, colorful fire. And he has spent his years trying to quench the rainbow.
Latest yet he has tried to remedy this through a cat cartoon.
I can imagine you laughing, Bessie.
O.D. Leimann
1975: Davis (now professionally going by "Jim Davis") attempts to sell His comic "Gnorm Gnat" to a national comic strip syndicate. Giftschreiber influence prevents this initial success.
It is too close to comfort. These creatures are gnats, but would the ancient Hebrews have cared for the difference amongst gnats and mosquitos and flies when they decried Ba'al Zebub who became Beelzebub? This artistic working would bring Him far too close to his birthright.
Do you recall his love of animals, Elise?
Zwist's cartoon, you must admit, has a certain traction in the minds of simple men. He has seeded English with another tumor, one that is orange and dry.
If we entrap this nascent Christ in this maelstrom of meaninglessness, we might stymie him forever.
O.D. Leimann
1976: The predecessor of the Garfield comics, a series called "Jon", is first published in the local newspaper.
June 19, 1978: Garfield begins national syndication. Giftschreiber influence permits this to occur.
An acceptable outcome, Lisbet.
There is something fundamentally pagan about the cat. A wild, feral thing, bound by no master but nature. Freya, Bast, Mishepeshu, Nergal. His power is diluted; he strays.
O.D. Leimann
June 3, 1979: Davis's son, James Alexander Davis, is born.
October 7, 1980: Garfield's first book, "Garfield at Large", a compilation of Garfield comics, is #1 on the New York Times bestsellers list.
September 11, 1981: Davis founds Paws Inc. after Garfield is syndicated in over 850 newspapers and has $15 million in merchandising. This event is overlooked because the role of the corporation as religious and deific outgrowth is poorly understood at the time.
1984: The Giftschreiber are now believed to constitute up to 40% of the personnel of Paws, Inc.
1987: Polk the Lazy Cat is discontinued to little fanfare.
October 23, 1989: First manifestation of SCP-3166, a humanoid entity resembling a crudely-made costume of the character Garfield. Its motives are, at time of manifestation, unknown.
January 28, 1990: "O.D. Leimann", the Giftschreiber in charge of the James Davis Antiawakening effort, is found dead from SCP-3166 attack. Cause of death: overfeeding from lasagna.
We played with fire.
God was reborn, and we thought to divert Him; and yet even diverted he embraced the act of Creation.
"Take, eat. This is my body." Matthew 26:26. Is that what the creature did to him? I can't help but imagine.
How ironic he should die from that; "But I say unto you, I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom." Matthew 26:29
Betty Wilton3
1991-1994: Giftschreiber influence in Paws Inc. is greatly diminished either as direct result of SCP-3166 attack or from preemptive resignation. It is determined that SCP-3166 acts to defend the interests of the Garfield franchise through use of physical force.
We were not Herod. We were Satan, and we gave to Christ all the kingdoms of the world.
Yet doing so led him to call forth this Beast. Like a leopard, with feet like a bear, with the mouth of a lion. Revelation 13:2.
What have we done?
Betty Wilton
Nota bene: At this time, there is no evidence SCP-3166 is the Antichrist or "the Beast".
February 13, 1996: Thilo Zwist is attacked by SCP-3166 in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada and is sent the following message within a few days.4
May 25, 2000: James Alexander Davis, Jim Davis's son, is recruited into the Foundation. After an initial monitoring period, it is concluded that he has none of the Akivic attributes of his father and Tactical Theology reduces monitoring to cursory levels. His current role is as a server administrator for RAISA with involvement on the following projects: [REDACTED].
January 1, 2002: Guinness World Records recognizes Garfield as the most widely syndicated comic strip in the world.
March 12, 2003: First recorded allusion to SCP-3166 in SoI-669 ("Clotho Sapiens") mythology.
June 11, 2004: Garfield the Movie is released. Produced by 20th Century Fox, it is widely panned by critics but makes $208 million on a budget of $50 million. Manifestations of SCP-3166 increase.
November 20, 2007: Garfield Gets Real is released direct-to-video to largely negative critical reception. An SCP-3166 event occurs.
January 14, 2008: Directing collective Fatal Farm uploads its webseries "Lasagna Cat" to Youtube. Foundation webcrawlers flag the series as a potential vector for SCP-7966-1's full apotheosis, as all episodes end with variations of the statement "A tribute to Jim Davis."
January 15, 2008: SCP-3166 manifests in multiple locations throughout Los Angeles simultaneously.
January 16, 2008: The Foundation begins investigating the creators behind Lasagna Cat.
January 17, 2008: The Foundation makes contact with Fatal Farm.
January 18, 2008: Thilo Zwist breaks Fatal Farm out of Foundation custody.
WHAT THE FUCK IS ZWIST THINKING
Lillian Lillihammer
February 13, 2008: The webcomic Garfield Minus Garfield, a parody in which all characters except for Garfield's owner Jon Arbuckle are removed from existing Garfield strips, is released.
February 14, 2008 — August 4, 2008: SCP-3166 is not observed to manifest, despite the popular success of Garfield Minus Garfield. It is later ascertained that it has spent its time hunting down Fatal Farm, but with limited success, even though it has appeared to develop limited powers of invisibility.
August 5, 2008: Garfield's Fun Fest is released direct-to-video to largely negative critical reception. An SCP-3166 event occurs.
December 2008: The Garfield Show premieres in France.
June 16, 2009: Garfield's Pet Force is released direct-to-video to largely negative critical reception. It is the most profitable film in its series. 20th Century Fox loses film and television rights shortly after the film's release. An SCP-3166 event occurs.
November 2, 2009: The Garfield Show starts airing on Cartoon Network in the United States.
November 7, 2013: Garfield Kart is released for PC. It is met with negative critical reception and positive, somewhat sarcastic user reception. SCP-3166 appears sporadically in response, committing one high profile case of vehicular manslaughter, but does not seem to adhere to a routine of attacking either critics or sarcastic fans. A new potential containment strategy is considered but ultimately not implemented.
February 23, 2017: Fatal Farm uploads season 2 of "Lasagna Cat". It has a noticeably higher production value. Concerningly, "06/08/2001" depicts Garfield as taking the role of Saint Peter at the gates of a stereotypical western depiction of a Christian heaven.
GENUINELY, SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE FUCK.
Lillian Lillihammer
I could not let these men be haunted by the orange cat, as I had been. How was I to know they spat in the eye of God?
Thilo Zwist
March 24, 2017: It is determined that Jim Davis does not appear to be aware of season 2 of Lasagna Cat, has not performed any further exercise of deific power, and does not intend to reduce His involvement with the production of the Garfield comic strip.
June 17, 2018: The posthumous publication of I.H.Pickman's SCP-001 Proposal recontextualizes the science of Pataphysics. SCP-3166 is selected for reexamination under this lens, but no mechanism of fictional ascent is discerned.
October 8, 2018: The subreddit /r/imsorryjon, containing horror-themed fanart of the Garfield franchise, is created. Foundation enters red alert to determine whether SCP-3166 will primarily focus on individuals associated with official Garfield branded media, or whether it will target everyone widely.
December 31, 2018: After determining that SCP-3166's rate of action has escalated significantly, the Foundation alerts the Global Occult Coalition and requests that it consider a higher level of involvement with the Garfield franchise.
March 20, 2019: 21st Century Fox is acquired by GOC Council of 108 member "Walt Disney Corporation". The distribution rights for Garfield: the Movie and Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties are transferred to the Walt Disney Corporation in the course of the deal. Foundation liaisons inform Disney stakeholders of SCP-3166 related risks.
August 6, 2019: Davis sells Paws Inc., to Viacom; Foundation currently monitoring effects on faith. The Giftschreiber are believed to have entirely abandoned Paws Inc. by this time.
December 4, 2019: Viacom and CBS merge to form ViacomCBS.
December 31, 2020: An average of 3 appearances of SCP-3166 per month have been reported at various Disney corporate offices, albeit with no casualties. No appearances of SCP-3166 have been reported at ViacomCBS through the years of 2019 and 2020.
July 14, 2021: Thilo Zwist is classified as SCP-6382 as part of Operation FIREBREAK. He is given full details on SCP-3166, but cannot provide further explanation.
Polk was vapid, scathing, and toxic.
I met that thing once. Blank was there. It's mindless, opportunistic, and greedy.
I can speak wonders and horrors both to life, as you know, but always as tricks of the mind — I cannot conjure automatons of pasta.
Thilo Zwist
December 31, 2021: Disney CEO Bob Iger formally retires. Rumors circulate that this is related to an SCP-3166 appearance at Disney corporate headquarters.
February 15, 2022: ViacomCBS rebrands as Paramount Global; no SCP-3166 attacks have ever been noted on ViacomCBS personnel.
November 20, 2022: Disney CEO Bob Chapek steps down effective immediately following a SCP-3166 attack related to increasing levels of mismanagement of the Walt Disney Corporation. Bob Iger returns as CEO.
January 31, 2023: The Department of Tactical Theology finishes a decades-long investigation, and officially concludes that the birth of Jim Davis was ontologically and theologically identical to the Second Coming of Christ.
Unified SCP-7966 Risk Projection
Projected by: The Department of Theology and Teleology
In collaboration with: The Department of Tactical Theology, Abrahamic Division
With assistance from: Thilo Zwist
As SCP-7966-1 ("Davis") approaches the end of its natural lifespan, it becomes necessary to consider eschatological possibilities considering its position. A number of potential scenarios are presented here in no particular order
- Natural Death: Davis dies a natural death and does not experience resurrection. His earthly power fades, disproving His status as fulfiller of prophecy, though this would not preclude the emergence of another Messiah. Paws Inc., separated fully from the godhead of its Creator, regresses to a mundane religious institution and/or corporation.
- Major Eschatological Event, Internal: Davis comes into His Godhood and fulfills the prophecies associated with Him, ushering in an HK-Class Deific Subjugation Scenario. The specificities of the prophecies used are unclear. It is likely that Davis employs all material advantages accumulated over the course of this mortal lifetime, as the entirety of Davis's life for the past half century has been the Garfield franchise.
- If acting as a Jewish Messiah: Davis will, though some means, seize or establish a state in Judaea. He will likely be opposed by the current geopolitical powers in the region. He will restore the Temple, most likely with a Garfield theming. This will also be opposed.
- This scenario is considered Unlikely, as the Messiah is expected to have an understanding of Jewish law. Davis does not.
- If acting as a Christian Messiah: Davis will usher in a Messianic age and the world to come, along with the resurrection of the dead. Specific acts vary between denominations; however, the Second Coming is expected to:
- Be instantaneous and worldwide
- Be visible to all
- Be audible
- Cause the resurrection of the righteous
- Induce flight in the resurrected dead to meet with Christ
- Whether the first Garfield franchise fulfills the first three criteria is a matter of ongoing discussion.
- Furthermore, SCP-3166 is still active. While allegations that it is a Beast of Revelation are already tenuous, it is also not accompanied by any other beasts as described in the Book of Revelation.
- The Akivic and Thaumic signatures of Davis's birth suggest that the Second Coming has already occurred; However, the current situation does not align with given prophecy but rather with popular understanding of the Second Coming. This scenario is considered Unlikely.
- If acting as a Muslim messiah: While the exact roles vary, Davis will apparently descend to earth shortly before Judgement Day and aid al-Mahdi in his war against the false Messiah.
- No credible candidates for al-Mahdi are currently under observation.
- Traditionally, it is believed that Jesus will marry, have children, and rule the world for forty years after his return before dying. Davis has multiple children already. The Garfield franchise, the closest current analogue for His reign over the earth, has already existed in its current form since 1978 — over 45 years.
- This scenario is considered Unlikely.
- If acting as a Jewish Messiah: Davis will, though some means, seize or establish a state in Judaea. He will likely be opposed by the current geopolitical powers in the region. He will restore the Temple, most likely with a Garfield theming. This will also be opposed.
- Major Eschatological Event, External: Some other entity achieves an apotheotic state such that it begins eschatological events. Davis reactively begins exercising His power in non-fiduciary and financial ways.
- Multiple Christs, or entities with claims thereof with ambiguous levels of falsifiability, exist. Some entities may seek to fulfill some prophecies in whole or in part. It is unclear whether Davis might be so compelled in this manner, as His attempts to spread a global message have been centered entirely in the Garfield franchise.
- Entities from other Eschatological Paradigms may seek to induce their preferred XK-Class End of the World scenarios. As Davis was raised culturally Christian in the United States of American, He may have an unconscious preference for Christian eschatological scenarios and be induced to enable them.
- The risks associated with these scenarios are Unknown.