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Site-322.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-001, as of documentation, is uncontainable. Containment efforts are focused on research and prevention over direct containment of the anomaly. Site-322's Director Paul Lague is currently heading this investigation.
Foundation personnel are encouraged to participate in contributing to the SCP-001 research project. Director Lague is promoting the divulgence of anecdotes regarding containment failures to be sent to him via SCiPnet. Once enough data is collected, containment efforts will begin.
Description: SCP-001 denotes a pervasive anomalous phenomenon affecting the entirety of the SCP Foundation, manifesting as the failure to contain and/or maintain the containment of anomalous objects, entities, and phenomena.
SCP-001 is most commonly observed during the investigatory period of anomalies. A plurality of Foundation investigations conclude with the anomaly in some form of containment. SCP-001 causes the leap from the researching/testing phase of an investigation to the containment phase to be entirely infeasible. This is typically caused by the manifestation of isolated, irregular, and seemingly aimless events that appear to exist solely to prevent the Foundation from achieving containment.
The existence of SCP-001 is based on the logic that the Foundation has access to theoretically infinite manpower, expertise in all subjects anomalous and mundane, powerful reality-warping capabilities, the ability to translocate through the space-time continuum, and access to all anomalous and mundane resources. Despite these fundamental elements of the Foundation’s operations, containment failures still occur at a notably high rate.
While SCP-001 is a theoretical phenomenon, the Foundation experiences a containment failure rate of approximately 5.2%, frequently due to circumstances outside of the Foundation's control. When that collection of incidents is eliminated, containment failures occur at a rate of 4.3%, leaving only SCP-001 as the appropriate explanation for the discrepancy.
Addendum 001.1: SCP-001 Affected Anomalies
Based on Director Lague's research, he has found five incidents for which, based on the circumstances of the containment failures, he hypothesizes SCP-001 to be at fault.
SCP-001-1
Previous Designation: SCP-5770
The Palazzo Vecchio, the centerpiece of the piazza.
Truncated Description: SCP-5770 is an annual 10-day festival held in the Piazza della Signoria in Florence, Italy. SCP-5770 contains a mind-altering phenomenon causing all persons within a 10-kilometer range to attend the event, despite the lack of advertisement for it.
During SCP-5770, two anomalous entities, SCP-5770-1 and SCP-5770-2, host a stage show in which subjects they deem "sinners" are subject to makeshift punishments akin to what is depicted in Dante Alighieri's Inferno. Both entities resemble animated statues in the style of the Renaissance artist Michelangelo. At SCP-5770's conclusion, evidence of the festival vanishes and attendees lose all knowledge of its events, with the only lasting effect being a notable rise in the attendees' general piousness.
Despite the original SCP-5770 investigation having taken place in 1985, successful containment is yet to be established and, as such, SCP-5770 has been archived and is awaiting official designation.
SCP-001 Influenced Containment Failures
INCIDENT ID: 001.1-01
SCP-001 Effect: The head researcher on SCP-5770, Joseph Pasqua, the former Site-322 Director, deserted from the Foundation due to manipulation by SCP-5770-1. Pasqua was in hiding for over thirty years before being located in Vatican City as part of the Papal Conclave.1
INCIDENT ID: 001.1-02
SCP-001 Effect: During the 1986 investigation, a previously unknown entity self-identifying as "God's Strongest Soldier" manifested on the festival grounds, henceforth SCP-5770-3. It resembled an animated mascot costume of a dove. The entity was approximately 2 meters in height and its form was hollow.
Responding agents of Mobile Task Force ζ-66 ("Guardian Angels") were the first Foundation personnel to interact with the entity.
TRANSCRIPT
«BEGIN LOG»
SCP-5770-3: TWEEDLEY-DEE TWEEDLEY-DA. GOD'S STRONGEST SOLDIER IS MY NAME. GETTING RID OF SIN IS MY GAME.
ζ-66 | Turquoise: Hey command, who is this?
Command: No clue.
ζ-66 | Turquoise: All agents be advised, there's some large bird-man harassing random people.
SCP-5770-3: I'M GOD'S STRONGEST SOLDIER I CLAIM. GETTING YOU TO HEAVEN IS MY AIM. TWEEDLEY-DEE TWEEDLEY-DA.
ζ-66 | Turquoise: Look, buddy, I'm here for the festival. Can you move out of my way?
SCP-5770-3: BURGERS, SANDWICH, FRUIT, AND FRIES. YOU JUST TOLD ME A BIG, FAT LIE. TWEEDLEY DEEDOPA DIDAPA DI DOWOP PAPA-DODA.
ζ-66 | Turquoise: Get the fuck out of my way.
(ζ-Turquoise attempts to push past SCP-5770-3. Upon doing so, SCP-5770-3 pulls an oversized wooden mallet out from behind its back. It winds up, then viciously strikes ζ-Turquoise's back. ζ-Turquoise is observed by Foundation low-orbit satellites to be exiting the stratosphere.)
(SCP-5770-3 is witnessed attacking the remaining members of MTF ζ-66 in a similar manner to ζ-Turquoise.)
«END LOG»
INCIDENT ID: 001.1-04
SCP-001 Effect: During the 1988 investigation, agents attempted a pacifistic route of cordoning off the entrance to the SCP-5770 gathering place and instituted quarantine orders to city residents. This culminated in a mass of over 100,000 Florentines attacking Foundation personnel in what appeared to be a planned attack. Agents were slaughtered, cannibalized, and their remains were tossed into the nearby Arno River.
INCIDENT ID: 001.1-05
SCP-001 Effect: During the 1989 investigation, an invisible barrier manifested at all entry points whenever a member of Foundation personnel attempted to enter. Personnel who managed to enter via a helicopter immediately burst into flames upon touchdown. The helicopter also crashed only three kilometers from Site-322. SCP-5770-3 was seen trampling on the wreckage before flapping its arms, rising into the air, and flying away via unknown means.
SITE-322 DEBRIEF
TRANSCRIPT
Moose: How're you feeling? I know you probably feel a lot of pressure.
Lague: I'm good. I'm feeling good. I don't normally go into things with the utmost confidence but I'm trying my best.
Moose: Good. Once you get into the director groove you'll be fine. Now, on the topic of this Site in particular, there's not much I can say that you probably haven't heard. I do have one thing, though. More than likely this'll be your capital project.
Moose slides a file marked as SCP-5770-ARC to Lague.
Moose: Take a look.
Lague scans the pages.
Lague: It's uncontainable?
Moose: Not exactly. It's really good at not being contained.
Lague: Have we tried—
Moose: I promise you whatever you're going to say, it's been tried.
Lague: Aerial bombardments.
Moose: Yep.
Lague: Reality anchors?
Moose: Pretty much every time. Yep.
Lague: Christ… what is it called? That one protocol that wipes out emotions. You know the one.
Moose: Pffft, ennui? Yep.
Lague: Fuck it. The lizard?
Moose: […] Yep.
Lague: What the hell? What's there left to do?
Moose: Figuring that out is now your job, bucko. Good luck.
OVERSEER EVALUATION
SCP-001-1
MEETING OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL
O5-13: HOW IS THIS A CONTAINMENT FAILURE RATHER THAN YOU MISJUDGING THE INTELLIGENCE OF THE STATUES AND BIRDMAN IN QUESTION? I JUST WANT YOUR INTERPRETATION OF THESE EVENTS.
(Lague's startle reflex is triggered.)
Lague: Oh. That's a fair point—
O5-13: THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE THAT.
Lague: Sure. Uh… this is a total tonal shift from what is to be expected of the festival. It's taken rather seriously by the attendees and its hosts, but the — what's the word I'm looking for — hysterical, I guess, nature of it—
O5-1: Illogical.
Lague: We'll call it both. It's tonally dissonant to a point of absurdity. If there was an unknown cult of some sort attacking our researchers or them being picked up and killed, I wouldn't have identified this anomaly as part of this proposal, but the sheer audacity puts it on the level of 001 influence.
O5-13: THANK YOU. ON ANOTHER NOTE, MR. LAGUE, DID I STARTLE YOU?
Lague: No– what?
O5-13: YOU APPEARED TO JUMP WHEN I SPOKE.
Lague: Why would I do that?
O5-13: IT SEEMS I STARTLED YOU. I'M WONDERING WHY?
(O5-6 stands from their chair and marches over to Lague. They place two fingers on his forehead.)
O5-6: He thought you were a normal Xerox machine and then got confused when you spoke.
O5-13: I THINK THAT'S A FAIR REACTION. WHY WERE YOU ASHAMED TO SAY THAT, MR. LAGUE?
Lague: I didn't want to offend you. I apologize.
O5-13: MY MORTAL FORM WAS DECAYING SO I OPTED TO BECOME AN IMMORTAL DIGITAL BEING. FOR THE PURPOSES OF PARTICIPATING IN THIS EVALUATION, MY CONSCIOUSNESS WAS TRANSPLANTED INTO A XEROX MACHINE, SO THAT I CAN SCAN AND READ YOUR FILE. THE MOST OFFENDING PART OF THIS IS THAT THE OTHER TWELVE HERE WOULDN'T LET ME USE THE MORE CURRENT MODEL IN THE SHARED OFFICE.
Lague: …okay—
O5-6: Were you made director after Pasqua?
O5-1: No, he wasn't. 322 was run under Moose for a while until a good replacement could be found.
Lague: Speaking of: whatever happened to Pasqua, if I can ask?
O5-1: Dead.
Lague: Really?
O5-1: Yeah, a tragedy. Slipped and fell down a flight of stairs and then shot himself twice.
SCP-001-2
Previous Designation: SCP-5594
Andrew Drysdale.
Truncated Description: SCP-5594 is a ritual practice taking place every 35 years in a cordoned subbasement of the Great Pyramid of Giza. The ritual surrounding SCP-5594 is a snail race taking place between six snails, each corresponding to a different aspect of Earth or the universe (space, memory, time, elements, geography, and morality, respectively). Upon the culmination of SCP-5594, baseline reality would be permanently altered based on the winning snail.
Before each SCP-5594 event took place, a random male of the Earth's population would be designated as the race's observer and forced to Egypt by a manipulative, incorporeal force. Following the completion of SCP-5594, all memory of the event would be wiped.
SCP-001 Influenced Containment Failures
In 2016, Paul Lague was promoted to Site Director of Site-322. SCP-5594 was his first investigation into an anomaly while in this role. As such, much of the Site was using the success, or lack thereof, of this investigation to determine if Lague was a suitable director.
INCIDENT ID: 001.2-01
SCP-001 Effect: The snail affecting memory, SCP-5594-2, won SCP-5594, leading to it altering reality to make the Foundation forget about discovering SCP-5594. The in-draft 5594 file was deleted soon after along with all interviews with Drysdale and previously researched information.
It was later discovered that these same series of events had taken place at least four previous times with three other Site Directors; the Foundation has been in a constant loop for at least one hundred years of discovering SCP-5594 and attempting to file and contain it, only for SCP-5594-2 to win and erase all knowledge of the anomaly's existence from the Foundation.
Through the use of an Exclusionary Site, the Foundation was able to recover footage of the second known incident. It showed all snails, save for SCP-5594-2, refusing to participate in the race and allowing SCP-5594-2 to win uncontested.
SITE-322 DEBRIEF
TRANSCRIPT
Lague: Wait, wait, hold on. They're what?
Coix: Deliberately losing. They know about us and what we've been doing for centuries.
Lague: This is the last thing I need right now, man. How did it wipe everything?
Coix: A series of extremely small and convoluted events lost all the files and their backups. One of the server rooms got flooded after a false alarm with the fire detector.
Lague: It's hard enough to deal with that festival in Florence every year, and now, I have to remember a snail race every fifty—
Coix: Thirty-five.
Lague: —thirty-five years. This is absurd.
Coix: You're telling me.
Lague: Just… mark vectors of containment we haven't penetrated yet. Maybe we reverse-psychology it next time.
Coix: Elaborate.
Lague: Pretend we're not containing it when we actually are.
Coix: Oh, that's been tried before. A former director named Pasqua had the idea. Reading between the lines on what we do actually has led me to believe that made everything worse.
Lague: Well then, into the pile of bullshit I'll deal with later it goes. Fucking great.
SCP-001-3
Previous Designation: SCP-5479
An example SCP-5479 banner advertisement.
Truncated Description: SCP-5479 is Gorilla Marketing LLC, a business operated by various species of Great Apes. Advertisements promoting SCP-5479 appeared on various web pages beginning on an unknown date in May 2015.
Each advertisement contains a phone number and an image of an ape or primate. When the phone number is contacted, the caller will be greeted by a robotic female voice, which will request payment for an unspecified item. After payment details are given, the phone call will immediately conclude and an anomalous item will instantaneously appear in the vicinity of the caller.
These items, designated SCP-5479-B, have a variety of violent effects on the user, commonly turning the user into a disproportionate human-ape amalgam before killing them.
SCP-001 Influenced Containment Failures
INCIDENT ID: 001.3-01
SCP-001 Effect: Upon publishing the SCP-5479 file for peer review, researching doctors Randall House and Paul Lague were met with an extreme, emotional backlash from the entirety of those who read the file. This began a sweep of anomalously influenced mass hysteria across the ranks of the Foundation, leading to House and Lague going into hiding for a period of time. The mob lasted for three days, and caused 3.2 million dollars in damages. Below is a truncated list of incidents caused by SCP-5479's publishing:
- House and Lague's offices were raided, the mob later flooding and then burning the spaces;
- Parts of Site-666 and Site-322 were razed by various mobs;
- One unknown person managed to find the hiding locations of Lague and House. They proceeded to stand outside of the room, monotonously repeating the phrase "humans are apes" before collapsing from exhaustion and being removed;
- The mob managed to tame a troop of chimpanzees, which was used to damage more property;
- The Overseer Council ordered House and Lague's death by drawing and quartering;
- Two factions formed among the mob, one that wanted to use the chimps to "sniff out the bastards" and the other half who believed it was aligning with the enemy. This led to a minor civil war among their ranks with over 1,300 dead or wounded.
O5-1, the only member of the Overseer Council not to have been affected by the hysteria, ordered the file to be deleted. This event occurred prior to any containment efforts on the anomaly, as the peer review process would have been used to judge the best method of containment.
Upon deletion, all persons returned to a normal state. Amnestic stores were dispersed to all affected personnel save for Lague, House, and O5-1 in order to ensure the file would never be published again.
The file was placed on a quarantined server that only Lague, House, and O5-1 had access to. Numerous memetic and cognitohazard tests were performed on the text and images, finding no clear explanation for why the file had such an adverse effect on its readers.
INCIDENT ID: 001.3-02
SCP-001 Effect: The server hosting the original SCP-5479 file randomly ceased operation eight hours after it was uploaded. When a repair of the hardware was attempted, the internal mechanisms of the server had been replaced by fourteen Rhesus Macaque monkeys wearing appropriate-sized Foundation uniforms.
Luckily, a copy of the file was stored in a personal thumb drive belonging to House. It also quickly ceased operation not long after the server did. When the plastic casing was opened, the remains of three Silverback Gorillas erupted from the drive.
SITE-322 DEBRIEF
TRANSCRIPT
(Lague and House are currently hiding in a pocket dimension. A phone rings.)
O5-1: Where are you?
Lague: That is one of the worst, if not the worst, questions you can ask us right now.
House: Your mother's ass, One.
O5-1: Fair enough. I'm going to let that slide considering the circumstances, Randy, but watch your tone.
House: Can you just figure it out? What the fuck happened?
O5-1: Looks like you triggered some sort of memeplex everyone except us three had hidden in their brains.
Lague: No, no, no, no, no. No! No! No! Stop. This was simple. This was a simple anomaly. There was no memetic, cognitohazardous, metaphysical QR Code on this thing. It was a business run by apes out of the Amazon. That's it! Nothing more.
O5-1: Please take note of what has happened over the last few days and repeat that statement back to yourself.
House: He has a point.
Lague: This should be a simple anomaly. I'm tired of it! There's something else going on. There has to be! This is like the third—
O5-1: Couldn't you have just missed something?
Lague: Maybe we did. I don't know. But, take a look, is any of this logical? Is there any indication that motherfucking Gorilla Marketing would lead to this?
O5-1: I'm dealing with it on my end. My next call will hopefully be the last in regard to this issue. No more monkey busine—
House slams the phone into its holder.
OVERSEER EVALUATION
SCP-001-3
MEETING OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL
O5-13: HOUSES CAN EXHIBIT EMOTION?
O5-1: What the hell are you talking about?
O5-13: RANDALL'S HOUSE. WHY IS THE BUILDING ANGRY?
O5-1: Randall House. He's the director of 666.
O5-2: Okay, hold it. You two purposefully withheld this information from the rest of us?
O5-1: Gorilla Marketing, and yes, we did. You ordered some of the engineers to construct a brazen bull in the shape of a gorilla for Paul and Randall.
O5-2: Me?
O5-1: Yeah, you! You almost killed Nine because he wanted to use an orangutan over a baboon.
O5-2: Sorry, Nine. I have nothing against orangutans but I see why I made the choice I did. It would just slow you down.
(Nine gestures with their hands.)
O5-2: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Uh-huh. You too.
O5-5: Hi, Mr. Lague! I hope you're doing well today. I'm happy to say you're the first person to present a proposal like this to me! I do have to say though, I feel like I'm sensing a pattern. To me, this seems like there could be a lot of factors against SCP-001 being at fault. I don't mean to be harsh here, but are you sure there's enough here for me to say 'Hey, I, Overseer Five, can 100%, without a doubt, say that SCP-001 is something the Foundation needs to worry about?
Lague: There's a reason I left this file as the Pending containment class. Frankly, my goal here is to make sure this is something worth containing. It's possible I've misjudged this, I'll admit it, but at the same time, I don't see a lot of these as natural anomalies.
O5-5: That's a fun oxymoron! Thank you, Mr. Lague.
O5-2: Why were you late?
Lague: That's a long story.
O5-2: Do you have an excuse or anything?
Lague: It's not pertinent at the moment. I don't mean to be insolent but I'd rather not get into it unless I really have to.
SCP-001-4
Previous Designation: SCP-5244
An SCP-5244 instance.
Truncated Description: SCP-5244 is the collective designation for a cast of Atlantic Rock Crabs found in Ocean City, New Jersey.
When a human subject comes within range of an instance of SCP-5244, the crab will begin scrawling a message into the sand. In exchange for a specified amount of money or item of equivalent monetary value, the SCP-5244 instance will sell the subject a random item they misplaced throughout their lives.
SCP-001 Influenced Containment Failures
During the investigation period, it was discovered that SCP-5244 and an as yet unknown group of lobsters were in a turf war over their customer bases. This apparent rivalry had been a constant for at least sixty years prior to the discovery of either anomaly, and would turn violent consistently. Responding agents noted this as containment procedures were being instituted.
At the time that the SCP-5244 documentation was being finalized, a majority of the SCP-5244 instances had been successfully contained.
INCIDENT ID: 001.4-01
SCP-001 Effect: Approximately 75 to 100 SCP-5244 instances remained uncontained. Surveillance found that the remaining entities were now accepting various types of weaponry, commonly firearms, as payment for the lost items. It was unknown at the time if anyone had given any instances a weapon.
INCIDENT ID: 001.4-02
SCP-001 Effect: On August 4, 2016, Site-322, which is situated on a waterfront, was bombarded by ten thousand crustaceans wielding appropriately-sized firearms. At least ten instances held banners depicting silhouettes of a crab and lobster grasping claws. A majority of the entities were nonviolent unless provoked.
Site-322 was wholly unprepared for a surprise attack of this magnitude. All instances appeared to have a singular goal in mind: freeing the contained SCP-5244 instances, which they succeeded at doing. It was determined that the casualties that would have occurred as a result of mounting a defense would have been too extreme given the circumstances.
The present whereabouts of this collection of crustaceans has yet to be discovered by the Foundation, nor have there been reports from the public regarding SCP-5244. It is assumed that the group has relocated.
SITE-322 DEBRIEF
TRANSCRIPT
Lague: What… happened?
Coix: I— we believe we angered them.
Lague: You believe?
Hoover: Here's the thing, Paul, none of us could have seen this coming.
Lague: Oh, really? Have you not looked at our track record?
Hoover: Which one.
Lague: The containment failures. Here.
Lague tosses a manilla folder to Hoover.
Lague: Take a gander.
Hoover reads over the files in the folder.
Hoover: What is this supposed to tell me?
Lague: You don't see it? Coix?
Coix: Sir, I'm not exactly sure if what you're asking is clear.
Lague: Oh, okay. Maybe I'm just crazy.
Lague smiles.
Lague: Or — or, perhaps, we need to try and figure out what is fucking with us! Maybe that'll help.
Coix: Paul—
Lague: Shut up. Look at those fucking papers. SCP-5770: fifty years of bullshit fucking me over. SCP-5594: Almost three hundred years of bullshit fucking me and everyone in the Site over. There's a whole file I can't put in here because if you read it you'll try to murder me. Get it now?
Hoover: You believe we're being fu—messed with by some external force?
Lague: I believe nothing, Julian. I need a reason as to why what happened happened. Capiche?
Hoover: We don't have one exactly. Maybe they're a hive mind.
Lague slams his fist on the table.
Lague: They're crabs! Crabs! I eat them with butter and garlic, you mole. My grandmother cooks them in gravy and we eat them with spaghetti. Crabs! SpongeBob works for one! How did they know to come here? How did they organize into a militia in a week? How did they learn how to manufacture working arms while in the ocean? Does any of this make sense. Does it make sense that a man in a bird costume is knocking Foundation helicopters out of the air? Does it make sense that a bunch of snails with incomprehensible abilities are doing one of the most menial, useless things imaginable? Does it make sense that I'd be strung up like a disgraced dictator over apes? Does it!?
Hoover: We don't have an answer for any of those at the moment.
Lague: So… figure it out.
OVERSEER EVALUATION
SCP-001-4
MEETING OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL
(O5-7 types on their keyboard.)
O5-7: underestimation.
O5-1: Lobster-crab peace, ape-induced mass hysteria, whatever the snails are doing, and the chaos at that festival. That's 'underestimation?'
(O5-7 types on their keyboard.)
O5-7: looks to me like the anomalies weren't understood fully and the foundation suffered the consequences for that.
(O5-6 stands from their chair and approaches each member of the Council, placing two fingers on their heads as they circle the table.)
O5-2: We all have a Telekill plate in our heads, Six. Sit down.
O5-6: You're all angry at something. What is it?
O5-2: I'm an angry person. Sit down.
Lague: The problem arises when the unexpected occurs. Now, that's not to say we don't know how to handle the unexpected, it's more when it's blatantly, randomly unexpected with the outcome being our failure to contain and, occasionally, document. This anomaly, let's be honest, is very mundane. We analyzed a few, and boom, normal crab. Same behavioral pattern we'd expect from crabs, just with a slight anomalous quirk that's mild. Especially taking the full scope of our jobs into consideration.
(O5-7 types on their keyboard.)
O5-7: i was typing and i was rudely interrupted by the witch. i think your spiel is obfuscating from the fact that if you replace the word "unexpected" with the word "underestimated" it means the same thing, paul. anomalies are anomalous and do anomalous things. it happens.
Lague: To the degree displayed here, though?
O5-5: Hi again, Mr. Lague. I'm on the same train of thought as Mr. Sev— Seven is here. They put it better than I can. That's all I had to say and thank you for the wonderful presentation!
O5-13: I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR SPIRIT TO BE IRREPARABLY SHATTERED, FIVE.
Lague: Containment breaches operate within the window of the full extent of the anomalies' understood capabilities—
O5-2: You clearly didn't understand those full capabilities. Mr. Lague, is this proposal about an anomaly, or your inability to get over the past?
SCP-001-5
Previous Designation: SCP-4639
SCP-4639's self-proclaimed "best portrait."
Truncated Description: SCP-4639 was an incorporeal force that possessed Site-322 Researcher John Azniok on December 11, 2016. SCP-4639 claimed to be the mythological Kraken in search of "a worthy vessel." It was capable of speech through the form it possessed.
Immediately after possession, a number of growths appeared on Azniok's form, resembling black and purple tentacles. Within 20 hours, Azniok was enveloped in these growths. Despite this, Azniok appeared to have the entity under control for a time. This was a fruitless endeavor, as seven days later, Azniok was slowly overtaken by SCP-4639.
SCP-001 Influenced Containment Failures
For a sentient/sapient humanoid anomaly, a number of protocols needed to be fulfilled before full containment could be enacted. At the time, Director Lague was also floating the idea of what is today known as the Integration Program. As such, SCP-4639 was deemed a candidate for a beta test of the working methods. Below are truncated transcripts from the discussions between Site-322 staff and SCP-4639:
INCIDENT ID: 001.5-01
SCP-001 Effect: SCP-4639 was initially held in a standard humanoid containment chamber, as it was believed a majority of Azniok's anatomy was intact. This was proven to be false, as SCP-4639 managed to escape through a gap between the door and the floor. It was quickly recaptured and sedated. An examination of SCP-4639 found that the human form of Azniok had been converted into the mantle and fins seen on squids.
INCIDENT ID: 001.5-02
SCP-001 Effect: Tropical storm localized solely on Site-322 formed. It rained a number of objects, ranging from seawater to living sea life such as sharks, penguins, and squids. SCP-4639 claimed this was "patronage."
INCIDENT ID: 001.5-03
SCP-001 Effect: As time progressed, SCP-4639 gained a number of anomalous capabilities. These included:
- Highly-effective manipulation tactics;
- The ability to summon raging storms;
- Control of sea life;
- Limited omnipotence.
SCP-4639 utilized a combination of these abilities to escape Foundation containment.
TRANSCRIPT
«BEGIN LOG»
SCP-4639: I AM THE GOD OF THE SEA.
Coix: You sure are, bud.
SCP-4639: RELEASE ME.
Coix: No.
SCP-4639: YOU WANT TO LET ME GO IN THE OCEAN.
Coix: You know what? Now that I think about it…
SCP-4639: REALLY?
Coix: No.
SCP-4639: YOU WANT TO LET ME OUT SO BAD.
Coix: I bet. Will you shut—
SCP-4639: I AM THE GOD OF THE SEA. HARK, MORTAL.
Coix: You are the god of the sea.
SCP-4639: YOU WANT TO LET ME OUT SO BAD. HARK.
Coix: I want to let you out so bad.
«END LOG»
SCP-4639 used the above phrasing on all Foundation personnel who attempted to prevent its escape. Recontainment efforts were initiated following this incident.
The entity was quickly tracked due to its "shedding" a number of tentacles as it made its escape. This trail led to Site-322's docking area, where the corpse of SCP-4639 was discovered. The cause of death was deemed to be asphyxiation due to drowning.
Post-mortem dissections found that while a majority of Azniok's external anatomy was converted, his internal organs were still in the process of transforming from human into squid.
SITE-322 DEBRIEF
TRANSCRIPT
Lague engages Site-322's PA system.
Lague: Emergency meeting. Now! Everyone to Lecture Hall A-2 immediately. I have Geoff giving out pay deductions that pile on every minute you're late.
The lecture hall is filled with Site-322 personnel. Lague paces around the stage, microphone shaking in hand. Coix stands a few paces behind him.
Lague: I try my best to keep my composure, can we all agree on that?
Murmuring among the crowd.
Lague: I like to think of all of us at 322 as a family. And, as a family, you'll be treated with respect.
Pause.
Lague: So, with that in mind. I'm going to speak to you as my family. We have a problem — a major one. I'm sure all of you know what I'm talking about. I've even spoken to the Overseers, and they're even more unhappy with the state of things around here. They're actually launching an investigation. You know, they may have some questions for someone who, I don't know, gets mind-tricked by a bundle of tentacles.
The crowd begins talking amongst themselves.
Coix: Hey, hey, hey, hold on.
Lague: No! You hold on! I've been good to you. I've been good to all of you! This is how I get paid back? With nonstop fuckery with every other anomaly we get here! It's bad. This is bad. Help me out!
Coix: You think I — we did this deliberately?
Lague: No! But let's take a look at the last three years. The snails? House and I had to hide in a pocket dimension for a week over some bullshit monkey ad! That assfucking that was the crabs and the lobsters? Don't even get me started on the festival we've made no progress on in fifty years! And now… this! This!? The simplest thing and we lose it!
Coix: There's no explanation here that can blame people. There's something we're missing.
Lague: I know! I'm still getting the brunt of it all from everyone. I just got this job, man! I like it, and now this bullshit keeps popping up. It's like the universe has something against me. I'm a scientist, I should be able to fix this!
SCP-5595: (From the crowd.) SO DO IT.
Lague: What?
SCP-5595: SOLVE IT. THERE'S A PROBLEM HERE. GO THROUGH ALL THE ANOMALIES YOU'VE HAD AN ISSUE WITH AND FIND SOMETHING CONNECTING THEM. HUMANS APPARENTLY EVOLVED A PATTERN-SEEKING BRAIN, AND I KNOW YOU BARELY USE YOURS. MIGHT AS WELL TRY NOW. GET SOME CLOSURE, YA DIG.
Coix: That's not a half-bad idea.
Lague: You know what? What else do I have to lose? You're right. Might as well give it the ol' college try. Someone get Site-7 on the line.
OVERSEER EVALUATION
SCP-001-5
MEETING OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL
O5-2: I'll be honest. You've officially lost me.
Lague: How so?
O5-2: Look, I already said it and so did a few of my fellow council members, but I'll reiterate. I don't think this is about containment failure. This is a pattern of personal failure due to something totally mundane: underestimation. You were new. It's a hard job, I know, and look at you now. A director, one of the top people in the Foundation hierarchy, and yet, you're writing about your mistakes.
Lague: That's—
O5-2: Have you ever heard the term "growing pains?"
Lague: Yes, ma'am.
O5-2: While I do think this is a well-formatted and researched file, I don't think this anomaly exists.
O5-1: That doesn't ma— Nevermind, sorry.
Lague: What?
O5-2 A majority of these occurred in late 2015 into early 2016, just as you became director, right?
Lague: Of the examples I've given, yes.
O5-2: I could genuinely explain almost all of these as accidental negligence from a series of anomalies we didn't fully understand. Let's take the snails. You admitted they're intelligent but they're clearly even more intelligent than you or anyone had assumed, and they're definitely using their abilities to make sure they stay undiscovered and undocumented for as long as they can. I'm not seeing an anomaly, I'm seeing growing pains.
Lague: Well—
O5-2: Or the ape phone number — whatever it was called. Something else is seriously going on with these anomalies that you and whoever was researching with you didn’t expect, and you sadly had to pay the consequences for it. But, didn’t you learn something from every one of these?
Lague: Maybe not consciously but, yes, I did.
O5-2: Have you had an incident similar to the five you've presented since 2016?
Lague: Not to my knowledge, no.
O5-2: Couldn't this all be explained by you getting into a role you felt ill-equipped for and making a few mistakes? What was it? Three years from joining 322 to being a director. I’m pretty sure that’s a record. It's been six years and you've had nothing of the sort since. Growing pains.
JUDGMENT OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL
MEETING OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL
Lague: I failed, right?
O5-2: Well—
Lague: Look, everyone I talked to said this was more of a ritual than anything. I was told that you guys make this seem like a very critical, difficult process but it's only for show.
O5-13: NAMES. ADDRESSES. I'LL HANDLE THE LOUD MOUTHS.
O5-2: Technically, yes. It's difficult to fail these.
Lague: Has that ever happened?
O5-2: That's not information you're allowed to know.
Lague: Alright. Remember how I said the details of my lateness — which I apologize for a million times over — were not pertinent?
O5-2: Yes.
Lague: Just, uh, take a look.
(Lague pulls out thirteen pieces of paper and distributes them to the Council.)
SCP-001-6
Designation: SCP-001-LAGUE
SCP-001 Influenced Containment Failures
INCIDENT ID: 001.6-01
SCP-001 Effect: During preliminary research into SCP-001-LAGUE, Director Paul Lague became extremely ill. Medical examinations found that Lague had a number of parasites in his system including Hookworm, Tapeworm, Roundworm-induced toxocariasis, and Whipworm.
INCIDENT ID: 001.6-02
SCP-001 Effect: The server hosting the draft SCP-001-LAGUE proposal was located in Site-7's pocket dimension. Despite being an exceptionally outage-proof server farm, the upload of SCP-001-LAGUE seemingly caused the first and only large-scale blackout in Site-7's history, culminating in the deletion of a single document: Lague's draft.
INCIDENT ID: 001.6-03
SCP-001 Effect: Following the creation of a later draft, SCP-7525-EX manifested at Site-322. This was the anomaly's first appearance since 2020 and it immediately went dormant once again following the incident. Instead of following its normal pattern of corrupting unused SCP file slots, SCP-7525-EX solely targeted the research material of SCP-001-LAGUE.
INCIDENT ID: 001.6-04
SCP-001 Effect: Lague pivoted to using physical drafting over digital due to the above issues. During the second drafting stage, SCP-423 inserted itself into the documentation and refused to exit, stating that "[it] really likes this one." SCP-423 is contained at Site-19 and has not been transferred to another Site since its initial containment.
INCIDENT ID: 001.6-05
SCP-001 Effect: During draft attempt five, Lague hosted all documentation and research material in a hermetically sealed containment chamber. The entrance hall leading into this room contained an airborne antimeme preventing those that attempted to enter to forget the room existed, save for Lague.
During a Chaos Insurgency raid of Site-322, this room was the sole target of a bombing, and all research materials were lost. No other structural damage was sustained.
INCIDENT ID: 001.6-06
SCP-001 Effect: Lague lost the ability to speak or write in any language for one week.
INCIDENT ID: 001.6-07
SCP-001 Effect: The draft was finally completed after Lague was given asylum in The Wanderer's Library. After alerting the Overseer Council to the file's completion, Lague was given transport to Site-01 to the presentation the next day, where the following occurred:
- The jet transporting Lague was struck by lightning eight times and had to make an emergency landing after both engines exploded due to apparent mechanical issues unrelated to the lightning;
- This landing was near Site-43, where Lague was given refuge until the Site's Acroamatic Abatement system, three containment halls, and a cafeteria collapsed after Lague's entrance to each Section;
- Lague opted to drive himself to Site-01 in a disguised Foundation van so as to not put others in danger. A humanoid entity, who Lague claimed was SCP-5770-3, appeared in the middle of a long stretch of road. Attempting to swerve out of the way, Lague crashed into a boulder and totaled the vehicle. The humanoid was not found;
- At this point it was 2:00 AM. Lague attempted to radio for support via the van's communication system. Upon pushing the call button, the system ejected what appeared to be a mix of blood, seawater, and fryer grease;
- The van's autonomous driving system went online without Lague triggering it. The van backed away from the boulder, accelerated, then made a beeline for a larger, much sharper boulder, crashing and subsequently exploding;
- Lague made the rest of the journey on foot, arriving ten minutes late to his SCP-001 proposal presentation at Site-01.
O5-1: Okay, Paul, why the hell wasn't this the first thing we saw?
Lague: Dramatic flair. I wanted to prove it without a doubt.
(O5-9 gestures angrily. O5-7 types on their keyboard.)
O5-7: what a bastard.
O5-2: It's certainly… something.
O5-5: Mr. Lague— Paul. Can I call you Paul? Okay, Mr. Lague. Even if this has been my first proposal presentation it's definitely my favorite!
O5-13: I PRAY TO GOD HE STRIKES YOU WHERE YOU SIT.
O5-4: It's hard to argue all of this. I actually heard about the jet's engines, but not the lightning. And 43? Why weren't we told about this?
O5-1: Something's always happening at that clown show.
O5-4: And the car?
Lague: It's been six hours since that happened. My cell service wouldn't work during the trip. When I got here I tried to send an email but my inbox filled with spam overnight and I didn't have enough storage to send anything. That's probably another one. Call it seven point five.
O5-1: Can you give us your explanation of what happened here?
Lague: The 001 itself didn't want to be filed and potentially contained. It seems to be a self-preservation tactic at this point. If I can ask again, have you ever denied an 001 proposal after giving someone the opportunity to research and present one?
O5-6: I don't need to read your mind to see that you already know the answer.
Lague: Flip the papers over, please.
INCIDENT ID: 001.6-08
SCP-001 Effect: In a historic decision, the Overseer Council votes to deny filing an SCP-001 proposal.
The Overseer Council has approved this proposal. Proceed?
