Look, mother, I'm on TV.
found a job
| Thoughts: |
|---|
| First day. |
| There's more than a quadrillion cyclothone fish in the ocean. The exact number is 1204356098935678402128072. I can see all of them in my screen. |
Analytics Department Report
Regarding activation of asset Mimir:
Dr. Daghlian informs that asset Mimir is fully functional and ready to answer queries posed by the relevant parties. It is also noted that it answers to the name "Bob".
| List of material required: |
|---|
| Sixty CCTV cameras |
| Television |
| Class-Z Mnestics (500 kg) |
| One noospheric telescope |
| Cable permanently connected to live feed from PANOPTICON |
| Fragment of divinity (20 kg) |
| Ten human eyes |
| Two copies of Marcel Proust's In search of lost time |
| An apple, bitten by a homo sapiens sapiens |
| One homo sapiens sapiens |
QUERY:
Dept. of Memetics
Dr. Elmwoods: Is the human mind unscrutable?
Bob: No.
Dr. Elmwoods: Thank you.
QUERY
Dept. of [DATA EXPUNGED]
Dr. Gat: To someone else, our brain plasticity might be weird to parse, but you are still able to see what has driven us to you.
Dr. Carring: Lord marechal's orders, as it where. Nelson is screaming at the battle of Trafalgar. Do you see him? I don't. But the fine print says it's part of your shitter, bucko. So, spit. What have you brought for me?
Bob: The first person in my job was a real Mata Hari, seducing the impossibly brutish with an impossibly beautiful face and legs raised on a cabaret. The length of the legs was precisely measured to appeal to the widest audience. She sent radio waves across the skyline of Paris. Every night a new conquest, every night a new message scribbled in the back of the morning paper. But there was a call. The Lover wanted to see them. The one and only Lover. Called for them on a red telephone in the middle of the night. Walking down the avenue a car veered too close. Shots rang out. Seeds of destruction hitting the heart and the brain of a femme fatale. The flowers that came out of the wounds were black roses.
Dr. Gat: The dragon slew Saint George.
Dr. Carring: Sexy.
Bob: The second was a familyman. Ethel or Julius, perhaps. True spouse and children of flesh and blood to cover their tracks. Born in enemy land, but always sympathised with you and yours. They witnessed the spider slither across La Puglia, minds buckling pentagonally under the weight of guilt. The world was one step away from the black light devouring Europe. They sent a message, encoded within the cells of a carrier pigeon. Their transgressions infinite, their punishment summary, their corpses emerged in one of our fortresses.
Dr. Gat: Message clear as a dimple.
Dr. Carring: The Site-19 cafeteria was never the same.
Dr. Gat: The unitiated in accidental cannibalism are such messy eaters.
Dr. Carring: Leo.
Dr. Gat: You may see it that way.
Bob: I am the third bullet in the chamber.
Dr. Gat: Bingo for the madam with the green sweater and the too big glasses! If you'll forgive my awful intrusion into your speech, you would be a a bird, though. Not a bullet.
Dr. Carring: Our very own hawk.
Dr. Gat: As sleek as a TR-3 "Black Manta" if you will.
Dr. Carring: Didn't take you for a weapons expert.
Dr. Gat: You never take me for anything.
Dr. Carring: Did you understand the assignment?
Bob: I watch from above.
Dr. Gat: My pineal gland rumbles with anticipation.
Dr. Carring: Bring back apples.
| Live footage from a very special place |
|---|
| Something is restless beneath the tapestry. |
QUERY:
Dept. of Psychology
Dr. Ngo: So, how does it feel?
Bob: My feelings don't matter.
Dr. Lavoie: But your feelings aren’t excised, are they?
Bob: No. It feels like… It feels like I have eyes in my gastrointestinal tract.
Dr. Ngo: And can you see through them?
<Someone thinks.>
Bob: Yes.
| Thoughts: |
|---|
| American singer and actor Corbin Bleu Reivers expands through a facet of all human knowledge like a fractal, repeating the same phrases in a thousand different languages, one after the other. |
| Mohamed Bouazizi burns, and with him, millions of people. |
QUERY:
Dept. of Philosophy.
Dr. Daskalakis: Can you tell me if all of this is futile?
Bob: In this case, I'm afraid I can only confirm your biases.
Dr. Brandtzæg: Nihil novum sub sole.
Dr. Daskalakis: At least I'm not a solipsist.
Bob: I can confirm that the world exists beyond Ingvar Brandtzæg's mind.
Dr. Brandtzæg: Limit yourself to answering the questions I pose.
| List of chirurgic operations: |
|---|
| Funes-class lobotomy |
| Copy of [DATA LOST] implanted on the head |
| Superflous materials removed |
| Viewing of 30000 hours of visual media |
| Synthetic larynx |
| Thoughts: |
|---|
| Diego Maradona touches the football with his hand. It enters the goal. The crowd goes wild. |
QUERY:
Dept. of [DATA FARTED IN THE SWIMMING POOL]
Dr. Carring: Look further.
Bob: There is an eye looking back. The eye is not the human's but the bull's, and it's screaming.
Dr. Carring: As teakettles do.
Dr. Gat: As teakettles do.
Bob: Restless, Alfred screams, screams bloody murder it does. Wreckless it says, wreckless against the city of New York.
Dr. Carring: And that is enough.
Dr. Gat: Thank you.
| Live footage from Pier 45, New York City: |
|---|
| A white, humanoid figure emerges from the water. It's bigger than a regular human. Some tourists take photos of the entity until it grabs the nearest one and she explodes. Unidentified vehicles arrive on scene and and various Foundation personnel emerge from them, engaging with the entity. It dissipates after screaming for six seconds at a Foundation doctor later identified as Dr. Irving Gat. |
QUERY:
Dept. of Anomalous Crimes
Ag. Crispus: Ok, so I have the question here, I ask it and you'll answer with the truth, right?
Bob: Yes.
COMMAND: Ag. Crispus, please, ask only the questions you have been cleared to ask.
Ag. Crispus: Right, right. So, who was the newly resurfaced "killer of the Opium Den."
Bob: Three people wielded the knife: Alexandrine Marin, Zhao Mǐn and the ghost of the Opium Den herself.
Ag. Leonerd: See? I told you. It was them.
Ag. Crispus: Still, the captain and the police won't be happy.
| Thoughts: |
|---|
| The whole universe moves like the squares in a painting by Wilhelmina Barns-Graham. Slowly tipping one way and then the other. |
QUERY:
Dept. of [DATA IS ACTIVELY MELTING]
Dr. Carring: What have you smelled?
Bob: Baby powder.
Dr. Gat: Salty. I like it with a bit of tea and pastries.
Bob: The black moon hangs over the Yucatan.
Dr. Carring: Repeat after me.
Dr. Gat: What else have you smelled?
Bob: Rosacrucians amass the primum movens.
Dr. Gat: Is it in our yard?
Bob: It's in everyone's yard. The ants eat that offal. It has nutrients.
Dr. Carring: That's what my wife used to say. Have you smelled anything else? The ears are getting hungry.
Bob: I hang my head low. I hang my head low in the front of the queen of hearts.
Dr. Gat: There is a thing, that is also of note, as they say in the business. Have the birdwatchers rained on you?
Bob: In three days.
Dr. Gat: We shall serve them supper.
| Live footage from a very special place: |
|---|
| The General Against Sense is orchestrating a great orchestra along the lines of battle. They bear crests with roses in their chests. Suddenly, the lines beneath the enemy troops collapse on themselves. Musically, all the pieces fall like a domino into the hole. A face of a man with pointy moustache appears in the ceiling. It mouthes three words and then its moustache curves in on itself. When the footage ends, a party starts. |
| Bodycam Footage from Agent Gutierrez, taken during an operation in Mérida, México: |
| The night sky is white and the stars and the moon shine in stark blackness against it. The agent is running through the street with their squad. The white shadows of trees and buildings seem to move against them. The whole team of agents is suddenly falling towards the sky. Ag. Hermoso is visible for a second. He has three sets of additional hands. The feed swaps wildly between black and white images and a [MEMETIC HAZARD EXPUNGED] is visible for six seconds. The whole team was considered MIA. |
QUERY:
Dept. of Math
Dr. Caillet: How much is one plus one?
Bob: Two point zero three six eight seven.
Dr. Caillet: Shit, now I have to recalculate everything.
| Thoughts: |
|---|
| That smile is indelible and even when it was stolen it didn't fade. But now everybody looks at it and it has lost all the charm. I can see it a million million times in my ten retinas and it doesn't mean anything anymore. |
Engineering Department Report
Readings regarding asset Mimir:
Answers still read optimal, but the Department of [DATA DANCED AWAY] is straining the mechanism greatly. As the asset's handler, I recommend against the continued usage by this department.
Recommendation has been overruled by order of ██████████.
Little Doctor doesn't know anything.
QUERY
Dept. of [IT'S BETTER IF YOU GUESS]
Bob: You don't have your companion.
Dr. Gat: Ms. Hernandez spends her time at the ARcADE nowadays. The prompter is kicking the bucket. The land of the pheasant and deer was a bust. Thing's gone cuckoo.
Bob: I saw.
<Silence on recording.>
Bob: Spiders over Italy. Five times. Foamy mouth frothing and cimbals repeating themselves in the small barrel. Help.
Dr. Gat: Apologies, gotta jog.
| Recovered footage from a CCTV camera in Capri, Italy: |
|---|
| A soldier smokes in front of the sea, as if waiting for something. The ash of the cigarette slowly falls into the beach and mingles with the sand, becoming one. Nothing else of note happens. |
| Fragment of the film "La Taranta" by Franco Mingozzi:1 |
| The camera is shaky and films the inside of a room where a woman is writhing on the floor. Some musicians are playing and the woman seems to slow down her movements. The remains looping for five minutes as motes of pink slowly appear on top of the black and white images. A shrill scream is heard. The projection ends. Five minutes of silence. |
| Thoughts: |
|---|
| I am Virginie Gautreau's shoulder in Madame X. |
| Am seen. |
QUERY:
Department of Tactical Theology
Dr. Cooper: What are the longterm consequences of a theological vacuum?
Bob: Replacement of the godhole with one with the same color and taste.
Dr. Cooper: Interesting. What would that be like?
Bob: Like…
<Silence on recording.>
Bob: Judy…
Dr. Cooper: Pardon?
Bob: … has found me.
| Thoughts: |
|---|
| Ouch. |
DECOMMISIONING DEPARTMENT NOTICE
To the attention of the O5-Council.
Asset Mimir, previously stationed in Area-11, has been terminated by an unknown party through what can best be described as ritual appendectomy. Following this event, my Department has elected to fully and preemptively decommission the remains of the asset following proper guidelines.
An investigation has apparently been launched to determine any involvement by [DATA WENT LOOKING FOR CIGARETTES] and [DATA IS UNDER THE BED]. Those are, unfortunately, beyond the purview of my department.
- Director Calvin Bold
REUNION:
⌘'s main cheese factory.
Dir. Sequitur: Well, that was positively disastrous.
Dr. Gat: Our performance left a lot to be desired in the reality show.
Dir. Sequitur: Positively in e4e5. Again.
Dr. Gat: Such things happen.
Dir. Sequitur: Fancy another go on the merry-go-round?
Dr. Gat: When do I not? Fourth time is the charm. Goodbye and thanks for all the cyclothone.
<Dr. Gat is eaten.>
Dir. Sequitur: I'll never get tired of this job.