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Ok, I got help from a someone who is a writer (I will be crediting them in the full document.) this idea should be a little more concise and better thought out. The whole story has been rewritten to be about the foundation using a scientist as a guinea pig and their fear of death creeping close if they fail to research in time.

Summoned via PM!

I'd love to hear what everyone's favorites are!

hope you like them! by TstafforTstaffor, 28 Jul 2021 13:43
+1
VeraltaVeralta 28 Jul 2021 13:17
in discussion Per Page Discussions / Per page discussions » SCP-6606

Very beautiful and horrifying illustration of a bureaucratic dystopia. I knew that this was going to be good the moment I chanced upon an early draft of this ^^ If there's one issue I had, it would be the notices at the start of the document - the red coloring makes them particularly painful to read. I suggest changing it to yellow or a lighter red.

In general, however, good work!


The pen is the killer of fear.

+1 by VeraltaVeralta, 28 Jul 2021 13:17

There's a lot of good stuff here, but something about the writing style feels unrefined and leaves the thing feeling closer to coldpost than proper, well thought out article. I do think that you got a lot right, and I respect having what you have in such a small package, but overall it just doesn't wind up feeling finished to me.

by fabledtieflingfabledtiefling, 28 Jul 2021 13:14

Oh the body horror is a definite, what with the literal rot and decay present in an already otherwise dead body. It's something that'll definitely help further the Mold's understanding of itself, which is the goal in the end. Descriptions of the state of the body will be recorded, so it's definitely something that'll be important.
Thank you for your crit, I really appreciate it!

Re: SCP-5528, "The Eternal Mold" by essyessy, 28 Jul 2021 13:07

Yeah, I get the joke about NJ. Lived there when I was a kid. Apparently it's gotten worse.

It would be funny to see the Jersey Devil contained…

…I have wiki searching to do.

by GreenRavenGreenRaven, 28 Jul 2021 13:04

That's my take: Pay them enough that bribery isn't an issue. Like, six figures minimum starting salary, or the local conversion.

I think "Bradbury Buzzard" should be glad he wasn't discovered in the age of social media He'd be about 3 mm tall in weeks.

I love it, cereal as containment. I thought the key to containing SCP-4764 was hilarious.

by GreenRavenGreenRaven, 28 Jul 2021 12:54

I don't think there's any other 001 proposals around containment, maybe it was the original keter duty or The Great Hippo's 001.

Rocky Horror reference!

"The finest Corinthian [DATA EXPUNGED]."

I know this is probably a leather joke. But. In context of the story and the [EXPUNGED]…

A few years ago I read a rather silly Greek myth godlets in modern day story. The relevant part is a guy, who's supposed to be a specific minor god, is engaged to Circe's daughter via arranged marriage. Both of them want out.

The minor god changes his mind when the daughter mentions offhand she knows a sexual move called "The Corinthian Basket trick". It's a snap-around "you know what?!" moment.

So, what crossed my mind was, "The finest Corinthian Basket Trick."

by GreenRavenGreenRaven, 28 Jul 2021 12:41

Seeking Greenlights: yes

Layout of page:

Containment procedures- standard perimeter around the SCP

Description: Simple description of the effects and manifestations

Addendum: Background information about the SCP discovered. Reports of a large number of 'shotgun weddings' that took place within the church during the 1920s

Pitch: A church that, when a male and female enter, causes a manifestation of the male's father holding a 12 guage pump shotgun (stereotypical farmers shotgun) to appear, if the couple are considered by the SCP to be 'incompatible'. The manifestation will sound identical to the male's father, use the same speech patterns and have knowledge only the male's father would know.

The manifestation will point their shotgun at the female's back and will try and force the 2 of them to marry. A manifestation of a vicar ( later identified as the vicar who ran the church over 80 years ago)
will appear and attempt to discourage the father but is always unsuccessful

No it’s older than that. I believe one of the was 999 or 173 being used to contain 682.


The Axemam

Sorry for the delay. Expect crit in next 3-4 hours.

Okay, and here's what I got:

It’s a tale? Sweet! I prefer tales, more my style.

Right off the bat, I feel like the subject matter here might be a little too philosophical and/or esoteric for me. This is certainly not my area of expertise, but I’ll give it the old college try.

I’m also unfamiliar with SCP-3999, so my feedback will be from that perspective of our readership population. I must say, in regards to the premise, I'm getting some strong I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream by Harlan Ellison vibes.

I do like the narrative set up you’ve got going on, how the story takes place almost entirely through dialogue, and 3999's singular response becomes a refrain that echoes throughout the piece.

I also enjoy that the conflict in this story is more of a mind puzzle/riddle that Talloran has to solve. Does he accurately realize the answer or does he just create the answer himself?

Punctuation with dialogue (this is a tricky one and a little lesser known rule).

The third time Talloran speaks, beginning with:

"So you see where I'm going with this, then. There's only so many different ways you can torture me, only so many different ways I can die, because there's only so many different ways to arrange all the atoms left in the multiverse."

As the next paragraph is just a continuation of him speaking, the above paragraph shouldn’t have the closed quotation mark at the end there, after “multiverse”.

The second paragraph, however, is punctuated correctly as far as the quotation marks go. You do this again later on in the story, though. Basically, if the next paragraph is just a continuation of him speaking, without any breaks in between whatsoever, don’t close the preceding paragraph’s quotation mark.

That's pretty much the only SPAG error I found, and that's a minor one. I wouldn't downvote 'cause of it. Your prose and punctuation are solid throughout. Of course, there might be some errors I missed, but I don’t think there can be many.

I do like how the main character interacts with 3999, responding to the generic, repeating “System Error” message as if he’s actually getting a meaningful response. It reminds me of something like Rocket Raccoon and Groot. Despite only ever uttering “Groot”, Rocket is somehow able to translate this into a conversation…

… Man, Talloran must’ve been stuck in this place a really long time.

Or has Talloran been driven crazy by years of isolation and torture, and is only imagining a response when none is given?

Hah! And… I just got to the part where you mention I Have no Mouth and I Must Scream in the tale. Great reference! And it's nice to have my initial impression verified by the author. Now onto your specific concerns:

Does 3999's "dialogue" get annoying?

I didn’t find 3999’s dialogue to grow annoying. As it’s just the same message repeated over and over, the reader learns to sort of glance over it and it becomes background noise. Normally, I might recommend shortening it with an ellipses after so many repeats, but not here, as that would screw up the impact of the last response.

Is Talloran's dialogue too hammy?

I also didn’t find Talloran’s dialogue to be all that hammy. There’s a bitterness to him that counteracts and makes any hamminess he might have tolerable.

Is the ending (see explanation above) clear on what happened?

As I said, the subject matter here might be a little too philosophical and/or esoteric for me. This is certainly not my area of expertise, and I fear parts of it went over my head, but I don't think it's too ambiguous or anything like that, and I also think I was able to get the general gist of what occurred. I don't think you need to change a thing about the ending.

Is stylistically imitating 3999 itself like this cheap or lazy?

Haha, and here I was actually thinking the strikethroughs served a narrative purpose—I thought they were to indicate to the reader 3999’s fracturing mind, and his evolving crisis of identity. After all, it’s supposed to be Talloran in the psychiatrist’s couch (although, now that I think of it, should it be a psychiatrist or a psychologist? I believe psychologists are the ones that make you lie down on a couch for a therapy session, not a psychiatrist).

Is that all you copied stylistically from the original article, the strikethroughs? If so, I don't think it's cheap or lazy.

Without knowing anything about SCP-3999, if I saw this posted on the mainsite, I think I’d probably upvote it. It’s a good length for the subject material, and I thought it was well-written and enjoyed the ending. But you’ll probably want to get at least one crit who is familiar with 3999.

Anywhoo, hope this helps and good luck on your tale! Honestly, I wish I had more feedback to give you, but I found this to be pretty solid in the state it's currently in. It's much easier to critique a mediocre author that has no clue what they're doing, in comparison to a competent writer that pretty much knows exactly what they're going for.

I think I’m now going to read this 3999 I’ve been hearing so much about lately.

Re: SCP-3999 Tale by AFX NeuromancerAFX Neuromancer, 28 Jul 2021 12:27

I like the new one better than the old one. The other one was creepy -this one is scary.

Still want to figure out what's going on in that brain of his. He's frustrating since I can't figure out if he genuinely believes in his "cure", or he's operating under a huge sunk cost fallacy.

Re: Image changes. by GreenRavenGreenRaven, 28 Jul 2021 12:25

Hmm… are they Adobe Flash? A lot of audio links on the site have been replaced with HTML due to lack of support. (Which is apparently the Foundation's fault. SCP-6590)

by GreenRavenGreenRaven, 28 Jul 2021 12:23

The Canons page already provides a list of the canon hubs. This tag wouldn't serve any practical purpose.

Re: Tag Request -- canon by LemonBee12LemonBee12, 28 Jul 2021 12:14

Thanks for the critiques guys!

I will try to lay out a more centralised story line in the experiment logs rather than the sort of impersonal one they now present, thank you for the feedback! Will reapply once I feel comfortable with the narrative.

Apollyon and Archon have at least 15 mainlist articles each, which is the minimum required for them to have a tag. An object class having a tag means it is widespread and used enough for it to then be accepted as a standard class.

by LightlessLanternLightlessLantern, 28 Jul 2021 12:10

I'm really not wild about the aesthetics here. The white is way too much and results in a ton of empty visual space, and the whole thing feels off balance.

by fabledtieflingfabledtiefling, 28 Jul 2021 12:08
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