New Jersey State Police: Case 102-9381-23 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page New Jersey State Police: Case 102-9381-23.

Rounderhouse 28 Dec 2018 21:54

My first coldpost, I guess. An 2018 art exchange piece for MrAnakinSpecter, based off his tale Skirmish At Crane's Pub!

Police Seal modified by me from a public domain image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:New_Jersey_State_Police_Seal.svg

Last edited on 28 Dec 2018 21:58 by Rounderhouse Show more

AFX Neuromancer 28 Dec 2018 23:29

I liked it, have a +1 (now I've gotta read Skirmish at Crane's Pub, dammit) but there was one part that bothered me a little:

We parked across the street, and moved in with our pistols out.

This would be perfectly fine, except right before it the cop says:

I was sure it was just some kids boozed out of their minds and making fools out of themselves.

Drawing his firearm strikes me as a huge overreaction to what he is certain is just a couple of kids drinking, and causes me to dislike the character somewhat. I'd recommend cutting the "with our pistols out" part.

Other than that, I just wanted to say thanks for the read!

Rounderhouse 28 Dec 2018 23:48

Good call, will fix. Thank you!

DarkStuff 29 Dec 2018 02:52

Felt a bit short and unsatisfying to read? Novoting on this one. The format is honestly better than the writing. It is a sexy format though. And the idea present is good. I like a police format showing that they are missing information and then a Foundation document explaining that amnestics are involved. However I think this falls a bit short without the context of its source article, which I have not read.

MrAnakinSpecter 09 Jan 2019 03:01

This is perfect and I love it. Outside of my (admittedly high) obvious bias, I adore the professionalism of the formatting — it really makes this more real to me. +1!

TheMightyMcB 08 May 2019 19:35

I love the way that this story is told, and the pacing was pretty good. My only gripe is that there are 2 New Jersey accents to pick from and you chose neither lol! Overall +1, good stuff.