SCP Rough Draft: FILIPINO VAMPIRE CONSPIRACY

Summary:

Wherein I get unnecessarily political about my parents' home country.

SCP Rough Draft: FILIPINO VAMPIRE CONSPIRACY

JayrassicPark 02 Dec 2018 04:31

Wherein I get unnecessarily political about my parents' home country. Just a rough draft - I need to know what to expand on and what to cut out, as well as advice on tone.

I trimmed your thread summary above, since it was taking up a lot of space on the forum listing. Try to keep thread descriptions and titles under 7 lines so you don't visually crowd out other people's threads. ~Zyn

http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/jayrassicpark - under 'Ass-Wang and Mango-Gal'. (Yes, I know, the title. :V It's supposed to refer to an Interview I purposefully left out.)

It's - as I keep being a broken record about it - a rough draft. The reveal right now is seriously awkward and it's meant to be part of a series of documents involving the other major containment agencies as they find out what the Hell is going on in the Philippines.

I'm afraid it's too tonally off, as well as too bogged down in details - I want to slash down on the description itself, while expanding on the fact they're all so incredibly different to reflect that A) myths get distorted and get different versions over time, and B) the Philippines is fuckin' big.

I also don't know if I should go for the political angle - the New World of Darkness got a LOT of warranted flak for using the mass torture and imprisonment of gays in Chechnya as a front for vampire feeding - I don't know if me being Filipino gets me any special brownie points, especially since the draft, as of now, doesn't dive as much into the inequality and brutality of the Philippines as much as I want to, nor does it touch on the 'do I identify as American, or Filipino' thing a lot of immigrants go through.

Last edited on 02 Dec 2018 06:05 by Zyn Show more

Re: SCP Rough Draft: FILIPINO VAMPIRE CONSPIRACY

Bolterpyre 02 Dec 2018 05:04

Crit complete. Build additional pylons XD

+ Grammar

All arriving instances of SCP

Change to "All arriving instances of the entity/object/subject…" along those lines.

Interrogated ASAP

"As soon as possible"

Religious paraphernalia

Of what religion exactly?

Cooperating instances

"Cooperative instances" sounds better.

SCP-xxxx's role in the philippine government.

Why would our government employ an anomalous being?

By Council

"By THE council" (without the capitalizations)

Resembles humans of Filipino […] (Primarily Tagalog)

The ethnicity of Aswangs or Manananggals can be applied to a lot of ethnicity. Be it Cebuanos, Ilocanos, Hell even the Mindanaoans. Suggesting that maybe make this one be applicable to all of the ethnic groups.

In-processing instances

"In-processing instances".

They are carnivorous […]

For brevity, add bullets on this list.

Vampire bat incissors

Generic portrayal of either Aswang's or Manananggal's teeth but I see you're making a 'Filipino version' of Vampires.

SCP-xxxx-2

Reminds me of Lilia Cuntapay. +1

Elimination […] blood sucking

I like this.

South Philippines

You mean Mindanao. Philippines is separated by 7107 islands but it's not divided, it's unified so you'll refer to it as such.

Subsequent raids on associated […] war on drugs….etc

I'll be honest, I find this paragraph offensive to the point that it hurts me to see a Filipino like me who lives in another country is more like writing this to lash out at the Duterte's efforts to fix this country. There is no "Abuse" in this country, coming from a pure (okay maybe not because I have 1/8 chinese blood) Filipino who lives in the country who enjoys the peace and "Less crime" nation for the first time.

I'm not protecting anything or anyone here but this ending paragraph doesn't make any sense. If you are going to base this upon the news you hear of our country, I am saddened that you are misled. PM me to know what Philippines is like, pre and current Duterte administration.

+ Narrative

Good depiction of Aswangs/manananggals

This was good (except the scp-xxxx-1's inclusion of bat teeth) depiction of the Aswangs. Although, it was kinda has resemblance with -2, i might suggest making them a mix of a "Vampire/Werewolf" because that's what an Aswang is really like.

I have no comment about Manananggal aside from the fact that native Filipinos usually mistook them for a witch, which clearly, you didn't do and that's a plus point.

Also the way they are to be terminated, the bloodsucking method was new to me and I have to admit, it's pretty good.

Awesome Story

The cooperation between the GOIs and the Foundation is wholesome and badass! That's a complete mix of Coco Martin's shows right there. But, author, most of the description was offending, and in my opinion, racist because you portray our race as monsters. Which leads me to:

Bad Political Insertion

It seems like this was aimed to Duterte's war on drugs? I have to be honest, it was annoying to the point that someone who lives in another country, to make it worse, a Filipino, kinda put the efforts of someone who tries to fix this country into something bad? If you have any questions about this, PM me.

Conclusion

Awesome draft but bad execution. Wait for the grammar feedback.

EDIT: I forgot to add, if this came on the mainsite, I'll be looking forward to write tales about this. And hopefully, this would be a great chance to introduce a new GOI that might fit well with this.

The Tone is fine, aside from the things that I have addressed earlier (unless I missed something, please forgive me about it).

Last edited on 02 Dec 2018 07:37 by Bolterpyre Show more

Re: SCP Rough Draft: FILIPINO VAMPIRE CONSPIRACY

JayrassicPark 02 Dec 2018 05:43

Thanks - Just a warning in that I'm meaning to add more of the mythos and throw in stuff about Filipino immigration - I was hoping to throw in logs that were about being an immigrant and being treated as different (because I'm about as subtle as a brick), as well as more crap about the abuses going on in the Philippines.

I don't want it to come across as 'haha all filipinos are VAMPIRES' and I definitely want to expand on it to talk more about the ones who aren't jerks.

Re: SCP Rough Draft: FILIPINO VAMPIRE CONSPIRACY

Bolterpyre 02 Dec 2018 06:23

Crit arrived. Before you add political stuff in here, be sure to know the two sides of the story. Thank you for waiting.

To add: I've written stories (non scp) That involves Filipino mythology. I might be able to help if you need assistance just ask me ;)

Last edited on 02 Dec 2018 06:26 by Bolterpyre Show more

Re: SCP Rough Draft: FILIPINO VAMPIRE CONSPIRACY

JayrassicPark 04 Dec 2018 04:49

Hey, thanks - I totally bungled the 'primarily Tagalog descent' thing, I forgot to remove it from a previous draft, when the SCP was about tagalog aswang hiding in the US.

I also meant 'South Philippines' to refer to just the Southern area, Mindanao included, but my geographic knowledge is faulty, as can be demonstrated here. :V

I actually meant to make the escaping POIs female teenager versions of Rex Navarette and Jo Koy (which I can't actually allude to, since the interview concerning this).

I'll also say the way the ending is portrayed is way more of a rush-job - the original document was far longer and had interviews and several reveals.

I hope I'm not asking to much, but I've recently started a new job, so time hasn't been kind to me - do you mind if you PM me about the politics on either WikiDot or IRC? Thanks!

Re: SCP Rough Draft: FILIPINO VAMPIRE CONSPIRACY

Bolterpyre 04 Dec 2018 09:39

Sure thing! I'm not that active in the IRC recently due to the same reason as yours, job.

And this AFPSAT stuff is also adding to the weight on my back. I'll be dropping you a PM as soon as possible. It would be helpful, I believe if I start telling you about the previous 'Dilawan' administration (and EDSA, that might aid you, I suppose).