It's a basic compulsion items, like many that are added to this wiki daily. I suggest making a sandbox page (information on how to create, title, and use a sandbox page are located on the front page of the site) and going to the Help: Drafts and Critiques forum, or the Help: Ideas and Brainstorming forum. Veteran writers can help you develop, shape, and form your (oddly interesting) skip concept.
Please do note that the main wiki, this very site, is not a place to post your drafts. If you want, I can pm you some of my thoughts on the anomaly, and some optional ways on how to make it more unsettling, but that's your choice, dear.
I require assistance! - My response on the overall form of this article, contained into a collapsible:
Item #: SCP - 4045
Bold Item #:.
Object Class: Euclid
Bold Object Class:
Containment procedures:
Capitalize "Procedures", and bold this text.
SCP - 4045 is to be kept in a locked stainless steel box in the middle of a 15 x 15 foot chamber in the basement of Site ██.
First order of business: SCP-4045 is wholesome; Second: feet are not metric. I suggest using meters (approximate equivalent of 15ft to meters is 4.60m); You don't need to redact the Site number. If the anomaly breaks loose, how will containment specialists know where to put it?
Anyone with Level 3 Clearance or higher may go into SCP - 4045 's chamber and test on Class D 's as they please.
"Any personnel with level 3 clearance (or higher) may enter the containment chamber for testing purposes." Saying Class D personnel are needed for testing isn't at all adding to the article. We know Foundation staff use Class D for experiments and such.
Description: Discovered at [REDACTED] on ██/██/20██ by [REDACTED] SCP - 4045 appears to be an aluminium yin and yang necklace, handmade by [REDACTED] With paint that doesn’t match any commercially available paint.
Bold Description:. "Discovered in [REDACTED], ██/██/20██." Saying 'who' found the anomaly doesn't add much to the article. Again, SCP-4045 is wholesome (not going to state this again for further lines of text). "SCP-4045 appears to be a yin-and-yang necklace, handmade and crafted from aluminum, featuring paint that is otherwise unavailable commercially." Saying 'who' made it, especially when it is redacted, isn't needed.
Anyone who wears SCP - 4045 will begin to feel queasy and nauseous, before vomiting uncontrollably for 3 - 6 minutes.
This is, most simply, a generic compulsion object, which is seen, and deleted, a lot by wiki staff. As I previously recommended, you should make a sandbox page, and talk to some writers here for some critique and suggestions.
If the subject does not have enough food in their stomach, they will begin vomiting blood, and food that the subject hasn’t eaten.
Blood? Makes some odd sense. Breaking the law of conservation of mass? Eh. The food would have to be present. How else would it be present? I suggest specifying either an exact, or a theoretical explanation (optional).
After 20 minutes of wearing SCP - 4045, the subject with fall into a trance like state, and begin saying frightened phrases. A short list of these phrases is included
◾ “Please don’t hurt me”
◾ “How do you know my name?”
◾ “But I want to live”
"After twenty minutes of having SCP-4045 on their person, subject will enter a trance, and will mutter generally frightened phrases. A list of examples is provided below:
- "Please don't hurt me;"
- "How do you know my name;"
- "But I wan't to live." " (end quote)
See what I did there? Colons (:) are typically used to start off a list, whilst semi-colons (;) are used to separate the contents of the list. I took note of the general use of the end punctuation within the quotes, which helps me out a ton with trying to figure out where to place a quote in a paper. Try to sound more clinical (using big-boy or big-girl words doesn't mean it's clinical), just try to act like you're writing a school paper. "Most professionals wouldn't send their boss a report with a fart joke in it." (How To Write An SCP).
The item the subject interacts with during the hallucinations has been named SCP - 4045 - 2. SCP - 4045 - 2 was described as a humanoid figure about 2 meters tall, with maroon red eyes, a flat nose and no hair and claw hands.
The anomaly* would be more suit for this portion of the description, as opposed to item, as it's humanoid. You would be saying SCP-4045-2, not spreading it out like you have with the main item. Try to use more descriptive words. Being general with the description of a hallucinatory, anomalous entity wouldn't be as good as an idea, as then it leaves some other details missing about it.
Example: If describing a werewolf, you should not write:
The entity is a ten foot tall wolfman with glowing crimson eyes and teeth like daggers. Its howl sends shivers down your spine, as if you instinctively know that we are its prey.
Instead, write something like:
The entity is a canid biped, approximately 3 meters in length. It has luminescent red eyes and prominent incisors. Its vocalizations universally trigger a fear reflex in human subjects.
(How To Write An SCP)
After 45 minutes of wearing SCP - 4045, SCP - 4045 - 2 with cease communications with the subject and attempt to harm them.
"SCP-4045 *will* cease communication with the subject and attempt to harm them." Note that you said "with" cease communications in that sentence. :)
If the subject does not remove the necklace when SCP - 4045 - 2 becomes hostile, the subject will be chased and clawed by SCP - 4045 - 2.
"the subject will be pursued and harmed by SCP-4045-2." We know it has claws. Also, try to describe how it attacks if even able to, and make sure to consider that the Class D would have to miraculously survive this encounter to describe the scene.
Every Class D that has made it the phase where SCP - 4045 - 2 becomes hostile, and hasn’t removed the necklace, died of blood loss.
How? Please elaborate.
If the subject removes the necklace at this stage, they will return to normal and be able to resume their daily life as if it never happened, the Class D 's that have been tested on have had their memory wiped after explaining the experience in great detail.
Class D's*, "that have been tested on will have their memory of the anomaly wiped after explaining the experience in great detail."
Thermal and night vision cameras have been installed in SCP - 4045 ‘s chambers and while the subject can see, touch and interact with SCP - 4045 - 2, the cameras don’t pick up anything as if it doesn’t exist, yet when SCP - 4045 - 2 becomes hostile, the claw marks are quite real and have no DNA or bacteria traces left in the wounds.
"Infrared cameras have been installed in SCP-4045's containment, and while the subject can interact with SCP-4045-2, the cameras do not pick up anything, as if the -2 variant of SCP-4045 ceases to exist, yet when SCP-4045-2 becomes hostile and attacks, claw marks left on subjects affected by the anomaly are very real, but show no traces of DNA or bacteria."
Why use night-vision equipped cameras in a containment chamber that'll be, for the most part, lit up? Infrared cameras (which track thermal signatures if I am correct) do the job effectively.
The Class D used in the last test as of this documentation being written was severely wounded in ways other than blood loss and claw wounds. (See Addendum 4045 - 1)
I had to re-read this a few times to understand and adapt the sentence: "The Class D used in the most recent test (of the time this article was being written), was severely wounded in a way other than blood loss and wounds caused by SCP-4045-2 (see Addendum 4045-A for more information)."
Try to be more specific and use parentheses "(," and ")." Don't use 'claw marks' in your sentences, as we still know SCP-4045-2 has claws. Also, parentheses will act like last-minute additions to sentences, so add punctuation (in this case, the period) to the end of the sentence, more specifically, after the closing parentheses ( ")" ).
Addendum 4045 - 1: On ██/██/20██ D-████ was sent into SCP - 4045 ‘s chamber and instructed to put on the necklace, after the usual vomiting and frightened speech, SCP - 4045 -2 became hostile, but had possession of a traditional japanese Kunai, and attempted to cut open D-████ ‘s throat and stomach.
Bold Addendum 4045-A (I use -A because -1 makes me think of the main item. This is my preference, mind you). Place the date in parentheses. Why is the Class D's numerical designation redacted? That's not at all helpful. Why would SCP-4045-2 have a Japanese kunai (note that "Japanese" is a proper-noun, whilst "kunai" isn't a proper-noun)? I know that SCP-4045 presents itself as a necklace with a yin-and-yang symbol on it, but a kunai isn't referenced at all, and probably should be noted that "SCP-4045-2 has a possession of a kunai, designated as SCP-4045-3," or something of the sort. Most people will down-vote the article at the sight of this (that is, if it weren't littered with mistakes in each sentence), as a kunai, although merely related to the Japanese symbol, doesn't seem to appeal to the general audience (same thing for katanas).
After 4 minutes of running in circles around SCP - 4045 ‘s chambers, D-████ was instructed to remove the necklace and put it back in the box, lock it, and write a report of what was experienced. Further testing required.
Uh, the entire thought of a Class D running around in circles around an SCP's containment chamber seems highly unlikely, and the fact that it took four minutes for Foundation staff to take notice and end the testing there seems highly unprofessional. Also, for an apparently unlikely event, how many tests would it take to add-on to this? I suspect a lot.
Finally, now, back to my very very former advice: Copy the source text of this, and paste it into a sandbox to further expand upon your idea. Talk to veteran writers for advice and such, that'll help a ton!
(account deleted)
