SCP by Series
Other SCP
Feed
Stories
Discovery
Random
Must give thanks and credits to users Huitzil, Morrte, and Zolgamax
The first two were largely responsible for most of the better changelog entries and staying up past midnight, and the group as a whole for making it less stupid and more interesting
Prolly time for some of the stupid references I made
- The whole thing started as a potential rewrite of SCP-664 and changed substantially since Anaxagoras claimed the rewrite first.
- Agents West and Pierce are "The Wire" references, back when there was a lot more dialogue before Expedition-017
- The "bugbears" are originally from my failed dinosaur SCP thing, old SCP-1693 "Refugees". Despite the weakness of that SCP, people loved the bugbears, called such because they are ursine creatures with insect-like faces and chitin.
- "Silos" reference from C&C Red Alert
- "Cone" is a synonym for Pylon...
- Reference to Tartessian users meant to accentuate that people from different time periods/universes were getting in. Tartessians in the continental US...?
- Garnishes and sediment were unintentional Portal references I only realized after putting them in
alright…I like the Idea but I have 2 issues.
1. The ursinus Are the mascot of a college in Pennsylvania is that what your trying to reference?
2. I don't usually say this but you have far too many entries and logs. A good analogy I've heard is "logs are like spice, they can improve a dish but a plate of paprika probably wont taste very good."
I think with a little editing this can definitely be improved.
not gonna vote just yet
(sorry for not getting back to you quicker. computers on the fritz.)
I was referring to the amount of logs. should of specified what i ment
1) No
2) In terms of length or number or content? Or just too many sentences?
It's come a long way. I'm a hair's breadth from upvoting, but I think you should address the discrepancies between the description and the logs. Most notably, you say the bugbears immediately run off in the description, but the logs indicate extensive communication with them.
I don't think the dialogue within log-17 does anything, and it's odd formatting. Also, the logs are a bit overlong. Also, the Shapers/entities are never described at all, which seems an oversight.
Like the concept, needs polishing. No vote.
I would have to agree with the others, this is just a tiny bit away from an upvote. The logs are formatted oddly, some of the dialog is rather stilted, and the description just doesn't work as well as it should. No vote for now. A more complete critique is coming.
Special Containment Procedures: Both entrances to SCP-2093 are to be locked, with at least one security guard patrolling each entryway during normal school hours. Any persons witnessed exiting SCP-2093 without outside assistance are to be detained and interrogated.
This is an extremely short Special Containment Procedures. Perhaps adding something about how the highschool has been closed and any entities attempting to enter or exit without SCPF approval should be detained? Personally, I don't see the foundation leaving a school with an SCP active.
third floor drama room of ███████ High School and located in █████████, Maryland.
This reads like there are two entrances to the spatial anomaly. Shouldn't there be a note about foundation operatives near the second entrance in the Special Containment Procedures? If there is only one entrance, you need to reformat this.
Upon entering SCP-2093 and closing both entrances, personnel inside enter the spatial anomaly, losing electronic communications with those outside.
This is just a tiny bit rough. The problem seems to stem from what the SCP is. Is the SCP a room? Or is it the spacial anomaly the room leads to? Using the second definition of SCP-2093 you could say something like: "Upon entering the drama room and closing both doors; personnel are transported into SCP-2093." You might also want to drop the part about electronic communication. It just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the sentence.
Personnel are able to exit the room while remaining within SCP-2093,
This is what I was talking about. You need to make it clearer what SCP-2093 is. From the first sentence, I was under the impression that SCP-2093 was the drama room.
the limits of the anomaly extend apparently in all directions,
Maybe lose the apparently? This might be more of a personal preference thing.
Continued exploration has revealed the limits of the anomaly extend apparently in all directions, and attempts at leaving school property have yielded an indefinite expanse of empty grassland
I want to point out that the trouble with this sentence, and most of the rest of the SCP, is very minor. When I read the above I understand exactly what you mean but it's just a tiny bit off. In the above the problem is the word "yielding" in this sentence. Yielding implies that you are getting something like a gem or a book. But you use it to describe the results of attempting to leave. Perhaps restructuring it to say something like "The school is surrounded in an apparently endless grassland." could be better
attempt to glean as much information
Glean seems to be the wrong word here. Perhaps "obtain" or something similarly non-conversational.
Upon entering, Agent West remarks the presence of a powerful smell similar to burning plastic.
This is a problem that appears a few times in your logs. Rather than saying that they say something why don't you just have them say it? Something like:
Agent West: Do you smell that?
Agent Pierce: Yeah, kinda smells like burning plastic
(Both agents descend to the second floor)
You also do this during first contact with the ursine-entities.
Expedition 17 is where you really have to focus your editing. If I found a book that didn't open I wouldn't say "push it like a button" The dialog here desperately needs some fixing. As a first step you could completely remove the part about being unable to open the books since it adds nothing but bad dialog to the SCP.
the only problem with the changelog is that it still has the default "hide block" when you click on the collapsible. Otherwise, it's great.
To address some of the concerns others have raised about exploration logs being too much of the SCP: I think it's fine as it is. However, If you wanted to change it it would be quite easy. Instead of including the logs that show the "bug fixes" (like Expedition-018) you could have a series of addendums with time stamps that describe the "updates" and have the main description describe the school as it was when the foundation first found it.
What if I removed the dialogue from entry 017? Too late, it's gone
Actually that would be pretty good. My critique above advises that partially. Sadly I posted the critique about a slightly older version of the document.
I changed a bunch of stuff based on your critique. Hopefully it sounds more coherent
I, too, cannot quite bring myself to upvote. It's almost there, but there are just odd little words here and there that throw off the tone; 'glean', 'in the guise of', 'wander' all feel a bit odd. Then again, that's just me being picky - and it improves as it goes on anyway, so it's not a major issue. No vote for now.
Edit: You've got rid of 'glean', at least, and the note about music teachers hoarding oboes really amuses me for some reason, so I'll just about manage an upvote. If further improvements aren't made, however, I might retract it.
if it's not a major issue, why no vote "for now"? O_o
EDIT: Also, I changed those words. In retrospect, you are right, they sound oddly off
In the time between my writing my comment and you writing yours, you made some edits and I changed my mind, so there you go - upvote.
I was referring to amount of logs but with all of the edits I have changed to an upvote. Good recovery
Another thing: The logs read like tales, not like official exploration logs. It's really draining out my enjoyment of the article. Those logs can be handled as official documents.
This is awesome… I love how it portrays a programmer starting in an empty world, and building a school first. I also love the fact that it implies that there was intelligent life on earth before. Freakin' awesome. Extremely well written, too. +1
Music teachers should no longer hoard oboes Aaaaaand upvoted. +1
Lunchroom algorithms restricted to the lunchroom; can no longer trade pudding for principal's desk. …why can't I give this +2!?
Removed miscellaneous charges from detention slips; students should no longer be accused of "securities fraud", "vicarious liability", "forum shopping", or "contempt of disbarment."
STOP TAUNTING ME, WIKI.NET! ALLOW ME TO GIVE THIS ALL THE UPVOTES!
-cries in corner-
I'm not going to have the chance to read through the expedition logs, but the changelog shows me that you're doing something legitimately interesting here. Unfortunately the grammar in the main description is extremely distracting. No vote for now.
