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Finished making my first SCP and In desparate need of Feedback.
It is contagious… Possibly dangerous… Almost all know peolple who got it are… well… Dead.
And telling more about ut would spoil the FUN.
Here is the link: Count contagious
Please read through this thoroughly (don't use a 'spell checker') and correct any obvious typos. Check your sentence structure, too. get rid of deadwood and redundant phrases.
there are a few parts where the tone is way too… casual? for example, try describing the iris coloration fron an emotionally-stunted scientists point of view. On a similar note, "died of a heart stop"… I lol'd. Is this an intentional translation error or did you mean ro say "cardiac arrest"?
this is… very long, but the bulk of the text doesnt seem to add anything to the idea, unless I'm missing something.
I think you should keep in mind that the Foundation tries very hard not to have emotion.
Letter found in the office of O5-██ in the hands of the corpse of a Class 1 delivery agent.
"Person of interest just mails some stuff to the Foundation like it ain't no thing" is really cliché at this point, and I'm not sure what a "Class 1 delivery agent" is supposed to be. Is that like the guy who brings pizza to Dick Cheney when he's in his undisclosed location?
Also, I see no reason this letter needs to be at the front of the article rather than in an addendum.
Dear SCP O5 Council
There's only one "O5 Council" in the world, so why bother specifying?
As the Foundation incompetence has not been accounted for
"Foundation's".
After doing your homework, you may also have the one time-only and limited offer to capture our… Ambassador
…Did he insert a dramatic pause into the written letter? And why is "ambassador" capitalized if it's not an actual name or title?
And blood may roll if that happens.
Blood can be spilled, or it may boil, or it can turn to ice in your veins, and I've even heard of it curdling once or twice, but I've never heard anyone use the expression "blood may roll" before.
Sincerely yours,
Count Contagious.
There's an unnecessary break in indention between this and the body of the letter, and one doesn't usually put a full stop after their signature.
As of yet, only SCP-1952-3 was containable.
"As of yet" is a colloquial term inappropriate for scientific writing, and you switch tenses mid-sentence.
It is Securely locked down in Containment unit- 5 at the Research Command-[DATA EXPUNGED] .
"Securely" shouldn't be capitalized, you have several unnecessary spaces, and [DATA EXPUNGED] should only be used for larger blocks of information, not for short bits like numbers - that's what blackboxes are for.
Its quarters must be constantly replenished with information sources in printed format only and kept well furnished with Victorian style furniture
"Victorian" isn't a style of furniture.
Contact with SCP-1952-3 is strictly forbidden.
How is that possible considering that previous sentence requires continuous cleaning of its cell?
Any information extraction or research attempt with it must be authorized by at least three O5 representatives (O5-7 and O5-13 approvals are mandatory) and only Class 4 and above clearance staff may submit such request.
O5s are the people who run the entire Foundation. They don't have time to be dealing with routine research authorizations. This is the reason that there are such things as Level 1-4 personnel. Requiring this level of direct attention from the top is like requiring the President of the United States to sign off on a traffic ticket, or like Captain Picard having to approve Wesley's request to use the holodeck for VR tennis.
When approaching SCP-1952-3, the authorized staff must be accompanied by no less than five (5) level 1 clearance staff with ears and nose completely isolated
"Completely isolated"?
armed with any lethal weaponry.
Any kind of lethal weaponry? So machine guns, swords, nunchaku, potato cannons, tactical nuclear weapons, and a wrist-mounted dog cannon are all completely acceptable?
No direct tactual or eye contact with SCP-1952-3 may be attempted, on violation of this directive the personnel have clearance for termination.
If all contact is prohibited, as stated above, then this sentence is redundant. You also have a comma splice, and summarily executing people for making eye contact with the spooky monster is a bit extreme.
Most important of all
Tone.
the eyes of every person on the site must be visible at all times. Failing in comply with this directive may also result in termination.
"Well, sir, we accidentally killed O5-6. I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid he forgot to take off his sunglasses when he stepped indoors, and so we had no choice but to beat him to death with baseball bats. On a brighter note, though - congratulations, you've just been promoted! …Wait a second, did you just blink? TAKE HIM OUT, BOYS!"
As agreed with SCP-1952-3, any need for contact will only be granted through a calling button device, which will summon Dr ████ Walker to the room following the standard procedures.
Wait, I thought all contact was prohibited. Now it has a button that can call a specific member of staff? What happens if he's off duty?
The room must be observed by three (3) hidden surveillance cameras, which must function alternately in random order.
…That's going to make it really difficult for the people monitoring those feeds to avoid making eye contact. I suppose they could put their hand over their face if the monster looks at the camera, but then the other guards would be obligated to kill them for hiding their eyes, so it's damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't.
Additionally all footage of SCP-1952-3 must be filtered at least three times at random oder by different trusted filtration softwares and first be exposed to a class D subject.
I have no idea what you think "filtered" means in this context, but in any event a process as time-consuming as that is going to completely kill the purpose of even having realtime surveillance of the cell.
And the ten minutes of footage before and after the infection must be completely erased and the filtration software used at the time must be deinstalled.
The word you want here is "uninstalled", and you shouldn't start a sentence with the word "and".
The Door must be guarded by no less than three (3) level 1 clearance staff armed with lethal weaponry and ordered to terminate other staff on sight of infection.
"Door" shouldn't be capitalized, and this is like the fourth time you've repeated the "terminate anyone on sight of infection" thing.
The whole Site is equipped equipped with a nuke device of total destruction for the case of a complete outbreak and/or breach attempted by SCP-1952-3.
"Site" also shouldn't be capitalized, you said "equipped" twice, "nuke device" is horribly informal, and "onsite nukes" are also cliché anyway.
The outside must be surveyed 24/7 by the special surveillance task force pi-4 (“The watchers”) which must stay on high alert for SCP-1952-1.
"Surveilled", not "surveyed".
As for methods of avoiding SCP-1952-2 and/or becoming SCP-1952-1
Tone.
Do not answer any calls nor open any e-mails coming from know SCP-1952-1, do not answer calls coming form the number 0800-6[DATA [DATA [DATA [DATA LOST]]]] nor open e-mails coming from [DATA LOST]@████.com address.
How is the reader supposed to avoid answering those calls or reading those emails if they're not allowed to know the number/email address they're supposed to avoid?
If any sound emitting electronic device starts to make a sound not unlike interference which start with three (3) low fast consecutive beeps
Isn't that just what dialup modem noise sounds like? Great, everyone who used the internet prior to 2001 is infected. Thanks a lot, AOL.
turn it of immediately and terminate everyone who might have heard it (yourself included).
"Off" is misspelled, SCP articles do not directly address the reader, and you're basically instructing the reader to commit suicide.
SCP-1952 is an undefined being.
Well, that's… extremely vague and lazy.
It is know to be some sort of virulent pathogen of high intellect that do not destroy or physically harm its infected subjects.
"Virulent pathogen of high intellect"? I don't even what that means.
And it's "does not", not "do not".
There is some discussion as to name SCP-1952-1 as the infected themselves or the cause of the infection (if it exists). For now SCP-1952-1 is how the infected are called.
This is not something that would appear in the final draft of an SCP file.
They show intelligence and cunning not unlike SCP-1952-3, even if previously they had shown an history of aggression and ignorance.
"A history".
Actually Humans and animals which became SCP-1952-1 have found themselves free of any preexistent illness condition.
"Humans" should not be capitalized.
Beyond that, the only common trait that appeared in every single SCP-1952-1 is the change in the color of the subject's right eye's Iris.
"Iris" should not be capitalized.
Regardless of what their irises previous color was, the right one assumed the sickly color of a poisonous green with dashes of yellow.
"Iris'", and "sickly" and "poisonous" are subjective adjectives which do not belong in scientific writing.
Also, so far, you haven't told us what this infection actually does, at all, except change the patient's eye color. Or explain why these people are uncontainable.
There is also some discussion on the matter that most of the SCP-1952-1 corpses showed a well developed front lobe and it is still unclear weather this condition was caused by the contamination or if subjects with this condition are targeted by the pathogen (and as the contamination seems to be caused arbitrarily by SCP-1952-3, and no other source of the pathogen has been secured, there is no actual way to prove either one hypothesis or the other).
Major run-on sentence. You have at least three separate sentences here kludged together like a linguistic Frankenstein's monster.
Additionally SCP-1952-1 appears to have a deliberate biological process of self termination which consist in the autolysis of neurons of the peripheral nervous system, causing the failing of the heart and lungs of the subject.
No wonder the Foundation can't decide whether SCP-1952-1 refers to the infectees or the pathogen. You can't decide either.
Also, unless you're referring to a Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 cyborg, you shouldn't use the term "self-terminate".
The means to turn one into SCP-1952-1 are so unorthodox for pathogenic behavior, that the specialists and researchers are still skeptical of Dr Walker affirmation that [DATA EXPUNGED].
"Dr. Walker's", this sentence is a statement of opinion rather than one of scientific fact or observation, you've expunged the only part of it that's interesting, and I'm getting a creeping suspicion that Dr. Walker is your author avatar.
It was Dr Walker who also theorized the existence of SCP-1952-2, which is the digital version of the pathogen, “an intelligent computer virus which infects biological organisms” said Walker.
This is a horribly constructed sentence, and the phrases "the digital version of the pathogen" and "an intelligent computer virus which infects biological organisms" are both technobabble.
The second one is particularly egregious, since "computer virus that can KILL YOU" is, again, cliché, and because the only thing that a computer virus has in common with an actual virus is the name and the metaphor that they are self-propagating. Saying a person was infected with a computer virus is like saying that you had to take your computer to Best Buy to have its appendix removed, and got it a boob job while you were there since you had some extra cash.
It is clear (at least to Dr Walker) that the means of infection are independent of anything but [DATA LOST]
You could remove this entire sentence and nothing of value would be lost.
SCP-1952-3 is what sets SCP-1952 from the rest of the Virulent diseases.
Random capitalization of nouns appears to be a recurring theme here. Unless you've just fallen through a time portal from the 18th century, you should not be capitalizing nouns that are not the first word in a sentence, the proper name of a person, place, or thing, or a pronoun referencing a member of the Holy Trinity.
It shows itself as (presumably) a male young adult humanoid of 1,86m and (assumed) 95 Kg.
"1.86", and "kg" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, these details are extraneous and almost completely irrelevant, since the height and weight of a human being fluctuates slightly throughout the day.
It wears the typical clothing of the English aristocracy of XVIII century with a top hat, fine velvet dark clothes and a monocle which covers its right eye.
I'm going to assume you're a native speaker of Russian, since using Roman numerals to indicate a century is a quirk which as far as I know is particular to that language. In English, we would call it the 18th century. This would probably explain a lot of the other problems with your grammar, in which case I would suggest that you bone up on your English skills in general.
Also, top hats and monocles really weren't fashionable until the very end of the 18th century, and even then they're more associated with the 19th.
Its features suggests that it has Spanish ascendancy.
"Ancestry".
As for facial hair, it shows a thin and long mustache and a narrow pointy beard.
The excessive amount of detail you're giving to this person's appearance suggests that you're writing a character, not an SCP article.
[DATA EXPURGED]
…Well, that's a new one.
At the exact center of the circle laid the corpse of the probable autor, Yuki █████, Male, 45, unemployed.
Japanese naming convention is surname first followed by given name, so you've just blackboxed the wrong name. (I don't think 'Yuki' is a surname in any event, though.)
The report from the autopsy said that the victim had died of a heart stop
"Heart stop" is not a thing. You want "cardiac arrest".
(Could it be some SCP number that passed unchecked?)…
Why would the Tokyo police know about the Foundation and reference the SCP system so casually?
“I was fucking assaulted and almost fucking raped! While you fucking idiots who should be out, patrolling the streets, were doing nothing but sit in your fuckin' asses and getting fat on your fucking donuts, a breve soul! A hero! Came to my rescue and told me to call for you! The minimum you, co██ ████ers, should do now is to fucking go there save the fool!”
…This really doesn't sound like something that was translated from French. (Is "cops like to eat donuts" even a stereotype at all in France?)
Also, "cocksuckers" is one word, and shouldn't be blackboxed. The Foundation isn't concerned that a 10-year-old will read their classified files and their parents will be offended.
At 4:56 am, the police arrived at the crime scene
It took them over an hour to report to the scene of an attempted murder? I thought this was set in Lyons, not Detroit.
The victim was later identified by the criminal database as Cristian Doumant, 25, arrested twice, once for robbery and the other time he was found guilty of the kidnapping and (supposedly) murder of three seven-year old children.
And he was a free man at that age after being found guilty of triple homicide? I knew the European justice system was softer than America's, but I didn't think it was that soft.
The database stated with a 76 percentage of certainty that theses four persons were Gerrad “La Faucheuse” Dioux, Jack “Le rouge” Bovah, Samuel [DATA EXPUNGED] and █████ ███████ collectively known as the “Rue d'Auseil Gang”, with a history of robbery, rape and murder.
Anyone who knows about the "Rue d'Auseil Gang" could easily determine the names of the two other people, so the redaction here is pointless.
Last night the survivor of a car crash on the ██th mile of Route-[DATA REDACTED] reported in distress what could only be described as a delusion or a day-dream which caused the driver to panic and subsequently crash.
This is not how the lead sentence of an American newspaper headline is written. "A (Nameoftown) man cited a hallucinatory vision of animals chasing a monster across Route (Number) as the reason for crashing his vehicle while driving near (Townwherethishappened) on (Nightoftheweek) evening." The idea is to get all of the most important information into the very beginning of the article so that the reader gets all of the key points right away and can decide whether they want to continue reading for more details.
By his own and nervous telling of the facts, Mr Driver, whom wishes to remain anonymous,
If he crashed his car on a public thoroughfare, his name would be a matter of public record via the police report; he wouldn't have the option to remain anonymous.
(Could it be a specimen of SCP-[DATA REDACTED]? What was it doing so far away from its common habitat?)
Why does the newspaper know about SCPs?
in desperate run from a pack of wolfs
"Wolves".
“no, no, no. What's most disturbing 'bout diese animal pack was de eyes of de pack. Jesus Christ! Never thought dose dings could be dat scary if dey had de same eyes, but dey did.” And the last thing that he spoke was “dey were green”.
…This is a horrible attempt at portraying an "urban black man" accent in print. It's way out of place, completely unprofessional for a newspaper article or for a Foundation article, and borderling racist as well.
Oz█████: What d'ya mean by… Fredy…? Why're'ya pointin' dis ting to me? Wong..? Hans too…!? Com'on, guys it's not time for dis sh…
…I don't even.
(the entire interview log)
…Yeah, 1952-3 reads more like a cartoonish supervillian than a real person.
And Ideals are bullet proof.
Oh, and he's quoting V For Vendetta now too.
Final thought: I have absolutely no idea what SCP-1952 is or what it wants. Or who "Count Contagious" is, for that matter, or what his letter to the O5 Council has to do with anything. The entire article is buried under a mass of technobabble, poor tone, bad grammar, fluff, filler text, bland characterization, bizarre stereotypes, and hackneyed dialogue.
Lurk moar. And work on your English.
Lurk moar. And work on your English.
- *more
- Most, if not all sentences, do not start with "and".
Is it really necessary to correct someone's spelling and grammar in a critique? Even when they purposely spelled "more" like that and aren't obligated to constantly adhere to proper wording?
In the spirit of continuing improvement put forth by your reply, perhaps you should relocate your second comma, and your period- the former to before the word 'sentences' and the latter to within your quotation marks. Like so: 'Most, if not all, sentences do not start with "and."'
I feel it's important to be consistent. If one intends to bring others to task for less-than-immaculate grammar, spelling, or punctuation (Oxford comma intended), then one's own grammar, spelling and punctuation had best be impeccable.
/lekshur
Honestly though, dudes and dudettes, it's really not important to critique a critic for how he composes his critique.
Building upon your exemplary admonition, perchance restructuring your twain rule of three linchpin phrases of "grammar, spelling, or punctuation" and "grammar, spelling, and punctuation" to better realize parallelism. Thusly, "grammar, spelling, and/or punctuation" for both details.
/spuf
Hope this isn't too distracting from the rest of the critique. All in good fun.
You just had to say it.
To the author: work on your English. If you're unsure, have a native or fluent English speaker help you. Electronic translation is bad because it messes up grammar and
Also, make this a LOT shorter. This was really long and it didn't need to be.
Oh boy. The biggest problem I have with this is that it really feels like it was put through an internet translator.
Anyways…
Letter found in the office of O5-██ in the hands of the corpse of a Class 1 delivery agent.
I concur with Smapti regarding this section. It should be at the end.
Special Containment Procedures:
This section borders on tl;dr. For the love of 343, condense this.
As of yet, only SCP-1952-3 was containable. It is Securely locked down in Containment unit- 5 at the Research Command-[DATA EXPUNGED] . Its quarters must be constantly replenished with information sources in printed format only and kept well furnished with Victorian style furniture (cleaning maintenance must be made twice in every week following the cleaning of containment unit 5 protocol) .
Aside from the bad grammar in the first sentence and unnecessary expungement, this paragraph is OK. Then you start to jump around about everything. Kinda ruins this section.
Contact with SCP-1952-3 is strictly forbidden.
When approaching SCP-1952-3, the authorized staff must be accompanied by no less than five (5) level 1 clearance staff with ears and nose completely isolated, armed with any lethal weaponry.
So… first you say that we can't make contact with it (ambiguity), then tell us what to do when making contact with it.
only Class 4 and above clearance staff may submit such request
Aside from the grammar here, I think you meant to say "Level 4", not "Class 4". That is in the guides.
The room must be observed by three (3) hidden surveillance cameras, which must function alternately in random order. Additionally all footage of SCP-1952-3 must be filtered at least three times at random oder by different trusted filtration softwares and first be exposed to a class D subject. In case that the subject shows any signs of infection, it must be terminated on sight. And the ten minutes of footage before and after the infection must be completely erased and the filtration software used at the time must be deinstalled.
Please be more specific.
I'm just going to skip the rest of the Containment Procedures. Again, please condense this section.
Description: SCP-1952 is an undefined being. It is know to be some sort of virulent pathogen of high intellect that do not destroy or physically harm its infected subjects.
So we don't know what it is, yet we do? Also, as Smapti said, this really makes no sense.
There is some discussion as to name SCP-1952-1 as the infected themselves or the cause of the infection (if it exists). For now SCP-1952-1 is how the infected are called.
You could just say, "Subjects infected with SCP-1952 are known as SCP-1952-1." Because right now, this makes little sense.
tl;dr
Unfortunately, by now I would be mashing the downvote button. And I haven't even finished reading it.
Summary
I'm sorry, but I can't offer any other suggestion except to read the guides again.
It is nice and long, but it has too many grammar errors. I also suggest you don't determine its number until it is posted, even if it seems the empty slot isn't going anywhere.
(account deleted)
