SCP-4328 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-4328.

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Casponaut 06 Sep 2018 16:48

First SCP, let's go baybee.

Thanks to everyone who read and critiqued this, in chat and in the forums. Hope ya'll enjoy.

BlackMagicFine
Alces_alces

If I forgot you, just let me know :D

Almost forgot, the drawing that I used as the image was done by my friend on Discord. He doesn't have a Wikidot account, but if there's any issue I can get him to contact staff.

Last edited on 06 Sep 2018 19:15 by Casponaut Show more

4/23/19 Revision!

Casponaut 23 Apr 2020 16:31

Thanks to SentientFloppyDisk for reading over this in #thecritters. Added some lore and rewrote some stuff to try and make it flow a bit better, but the overall concept is unchanged. Hope y'all enjoy!

Gummy_Dragon 06 Sep 2018 18:41

Coating the walls and floors of SCP-4328 is a organic substance is a red organic substance

Should probably fix that.
I like the sketch; Did you draw that?

Casponaut 06 Sep 2018 19:13

My friend did, forgot the credit for him :P I'll add it now, thanks for letting me know.

DrSevere 06 Sep 2018 18:58

This is……okay.

It's weird, and I was interested at the start, but it doesn't have much of a payoff. Walls covered in flesh and humans getting absorbed are both kind of old hat for the Foundation, nothing here jumped out at me as particularly gripping.

Casponaut 06 Sep 2018 19:13

Anything you'd recommend to help improve it?

DrSevere 06 Sep 2018 19:21

Nothing about the core concept really grabs me. I've read a lot of "exploration" SCPs, about entering a weird dimension and interacting with the things that live there, and nothing about this one really stands out. The flower heads are kind of neat, but not gripping - there's just sort of genial and friendly, which isn't terribly interesting. The body-horror of the flesh walls isn't described vividly enough to make a strong emotional impact either.

It's a lot of pieces that are, individually, okay, but no single standout that makes me really invested.

Casponaut 06 Sep 2018 19:25

I get that. Honestly, I wanna still use this idea, so if it does get deleted, I'll work on some other ideas of mine, then come back to it when I have a clearer vision of how to proceed.

DrSevere 06 Sep 2018 19:45

The aesthetic definitely has merit, so if you can find a more engaging hook to pull the whole thing together, I can definitely see becoming something really cool.

Casponaut 06 Sep 2018 21:19

Thanks man, I’ll figure something out. Thanks for the advice though, it really does mean a lot.

Jez2my 09 Oct 2018 08:59

This is literally scp 4000 with less spice.

Damian Uck 30 Oct 2018 08:00

I can't quite lay my finger on it, but some bits don't read like an SCP report.
Like some claiming the space to be theoretically infinite, it's something I feel wouldn't be mentioned or phrased another way.

Second, sharing of flesh and crops containing flesh.
Are they Sarkic?
I mean they are formed from "His" flesh, which brings me doubt, but flesh crops is very reminiscent of sarkics.

That said, I don't dislike this.
It's whole, complete and explained.
The voice logs are nicely done, I however don't feel a journal entry would be made into a voice log. I feel like first contact would be added in a report, not just the passing by of a researcher and a farmer.

In any case, this is a nicely written first SCP.
+1

Rex Atlas 30 Oct 2018 21:07

There is small stuff that needs work here and there, like wrong measurements, you are supposed to use meters.
As of the narrative execution- This world isn’t fully shown off to us and not a lot of world building has been done. The world building which has been done appears to be interesting though, there is no ending pay off. This was part of my last critique of this peice, I think that the last bit with the D-class should be unexpunged as all they do is take away any sort of pay off a draft may hold.

I am giving this a tentive no vote, as I like the core concept and the world presented, I just wish that we, the readers, could see more of it.

---

King of the Meese

Last edited on 30 Oct 2018 21:09 by Rex Atlas Show more

squirrelking 24 Jan 2019 17:00

Is this just vegetation being flesh and flesh being vegetation? Or am I just not getting it?

Dr Some dood 11 Mar 2019 18:21

It honestly just reminds me of SCP-3008 but for now ill leave a no vote because i think it could be written better.

Demetersson 29 Oct 2019 07:10

This is pretty much just the story from SCP-0002. I think there are too many "This thing kills people and then produces them pack in some sort of way" SCPs and frankly I'm surprised nobody else has brought it up. I just read another series 5 one today about a anomalous burger king.

Gabriel McQueen 22 Feb 2020 15:09

I feel like the richness and complexity of the world you want to convey is hindered by the fact that you seem reluctant to really describe in depth much of that world. Could you fold your interview into a longer exploration log, something that could include descriptions of the environment (is it all the same kind of architecture? Does it get weirder the further in you go?), encounters with life forms (are they all equally friendly? Can you give the reader a good creepiness pay-off, by contrasting their friendly attitude with their more gruesome behaviors? Can we learn more about their lifestyle through observation of crop-tending, or religious rituals, or family life?), or discoveries that hint or tease about the history or origin of the place? Even a chart or table detailing different kinds of "crops" found in the place, starting with something weird, but not too weird, and ramping up gradually with a few entries, can help immerse the reader and add some flavor.

Also, I'm no biologist, but the 48% percent match for human dna isn't really doing anything for me, as I'm pretty sure most life on earth has a pretty high percentage match for human dna (I've been told we have about 61% in common with fruit flies, for example).

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