I like the concept, but FYI there is an uncapitalized "foundation" in your containment procedures.
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See this works because they actually have motivations that relate to what their doing. When it was in the drafting the one guy didn't.
(Article edited for several grammatical and spelling errors)
Reiterating what others have said already: this is a novel SCP concept. I thoroughly enjoy articles that take other fictional entities or story structures (their 'war' reminds me of several cartoons and short films) and force the foundation to develop a legitimate response to them.
In this case though, I find the Foundation's involvement rather understated. It seems off to me that the containment procedure for such a large-scale (and continually increasing) threat would simply be to build a fence around it and hope it doesn't get too much worse. Lines like 'no contact with [owners] is allowed under any circumstance' also seem out of place without any followup in the article as to why specific measures like this are in place.
Perhaps 'action 47-Gamma-19H' could be detailed in the article to provide a better understanding of the SCPs level of containment, or a failed attempt by the Foundation to contact the owners/intervene in the battle could be added to better explain why this is the best they can do.
A couple other things:
1) The 10/16/1997 news article puts the presence of Hot Slice ads all over town in the headlines and explains it as though it's the most important information in the story, and then brings up the numerous disappearances, including members of their own news staff(?), as more of an afterthought than anything else. I agree with Voct; this section of the page could be much more polished.
2) In the fourth article:
The two most notable places being affected by the storm were our two local pizzerias, Mario's Pizza de Delizioso, and Agloe Hot Slice.
Mario's Bianchi, the owner of Pizza de Delizioso, probably didn't even know a storm was going on. Mario's and the surrounding area were left nearly unscathed by the storm. No lightning struck in the area, and barely any rain was reported.
I suppose this could be interpreted as meaning that the pizzerias were the two most prominent buildings in the town that were affected by the storm at all, but otherwise this seems like an inconsistency.
I'm going to leave this without a vote for now, but I'm hoping it gets more fleshed out soon.
I agree with everybody else that it needs some tweaking, but I like it nonetheless. The concept and story are fantastically hilarious, but the execution could use a bit of work, which is fine. The advice that others gave is pretty sound.
Keep up the good work!
+1
The execution here is, at least compared to what is a brilliant concept, fairly bad. The newspaper section was, to me, very difficult to get through and the dialogue you've added since I read your draft is wooden and unrealistic.
We had some discussions on chat about this but the pacing of the piece is your worst problem. I honestly didn't think a war between two pizza parlors would be boring but it's there for me. And using a famous copyright trap town as the central location took me out of it almost immediately. I'm all for using made up towns, just don't use made up towns that already exist and are famous for being made up.
Like many said, needs some tweaking, the containment procedures in particularly seem a little too hands off, but I genuinely smiled reading this so +1
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
