Item #: SCP-XXXX
You got 47 of those.
"WELL FOUNDATION. YOU MADE IT SO EASY. SO VERY VERY EASY." - dimensionpotato
SCP-1807 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-1807.
Fix'd. It's been so long since I've posted a skip ._.
Credit goes to Technician Downs for the original idea. Thanks to everyone that helped me out with critiques in chat and forums for this one!
As mentioned in chat, I like it a lot even if it took me a read-through or two to get what was happening here. Oblique references to alternate realities/temporal travelers that kidnap people for fuel using Alpaca ships? Upvoted for the wonderful strange!
In my new favorite headcanon, this is in some way related to giraffe hell. Neutral vote, though, because while well done generally, some details felt like anomalous monkeycheese.
There's the sliiightest chance that I wrote that one, too :> Any what do you mean by that?
Random for randomness' sake. Or like there's humor that's outside the narrative.
I like it. Don't get me wrong. But not quite enough to overcome some of the bothersome thematic details. (Again, IRA good, but not so good that it overcomes that problem.)
Well…
So, the order of events:
- -B's world goes to shit
- They use some of their minimal "heat" to transport themselves to our world temporarily and deploy the okapi
- Why the okapi? Because it doesn't matter if it was an okapi or an alpaca or a sheep, really. They just wanted something that people were likely to pet. As such…
- They put it in a petting zoo.
- Multiple disappearing children (and notable child molester) alarmed many people.
- Eventually see that the okapi is causing this.
- People kill the okapi because fucking hell it took their kids
- Someone goes as far as trying to cut it open to try to get their kids back
- Enter Foundation
This makes much more sense now. And its even cooler. You need to find a way to make it clearer that that's how it happened. I like minimalism as much as the next guy, but these details really add to the SCP, and it's hard to deduce the series of events with the little information given.
Edit: Upon reading this article for the third time (because I love this SCP) I realize that I misread key parts. I still think making it a little more obvious is a good idea, but I no longer feel so adamantly about it. If you feel that it improves your piece to make the reader work for their meal, then that is your artistic decision. Regardless, kudos. This is fantastic.
Hahaha.
Eheheh.
Heh.
What?
if your reading this your gay
Containment Cell #8467
Why that specific? Is that the official non-euclidian okapi corpse portal holding cell?
The object measures approximately 1m in height
For an okapi corpse, that seems rather…useless information.
remarkably cold
Not the best tone there.
I love it though. You write my kind of fucking weirdness. +1
I personally like specifying specific cells in my articles, just for precision's sake.
Well, that makes it so that it's clear that there's an extradimensional space in the okapi, not just a very big okapi.
I'll work on that.
Why that specific? Is that the official non-euclidian okapi corpse portal holding cell?
Yes. The non-Euclidean lemur corpse holding cell is #8475. God help you if you get the two confused!
Is it just me or is there no unambiguous description of what -A is?
Reading the commentary, if -As refer to the disappeared individuals, I may have a problem with that; it feels like those are rather just "affected individuals" rather than a core component of the SCP. Also, as with all multi-component SCPs, the okapi itself should be -1 or -A rather than 1807; 1807 should refer to the aggregate SCP including all its related sub-components.
I thought that when I was reading through the draft, but I found that the last paragraph of the Description made it sufficiently clear with a little deliberate reading. Ymmv.
I have no clue what is going to on here. Sometimes that is a good thing, but this just seems way too disjointed and random to upvote. -1
See my reply to ophite upthread for a rough explanation.
I get it now. I really like the idea, actually, but I still think it needs more clarity as to whats happening. It's just _really_ confusing. There are some other things that need to be cleaned up. I'm new so take all of this with a grain of salt:
I think you should ditch the pedophile completely, it distracts from the crux of the matter.
I think, before the logs, you should add in something about a petting zoo, like an ear tag or even an origin story with the disappearing children. It doesn't give anything away that the readers don't already know, and it will make the big reveal at the end all the more likely to succeed. This thing is weird enough that no one is going to guess it by just reading about a petting zoo.
As for the clunky writing:
Unless instructed otherwise for the purposes of testing, personnel are not to make unprotected skin contact with the object.Is it an object? I think the best word would be 'specimen.' Although most animal autopsy reports use the word 'carcass,' it sounds too clunky, and you don't want to give away that it's a "corpse" just yet.
The object measures approximately 1m in height and 60kg in weight.'Specimen' or 'body' should be used here, not "object."
This is only true for unprotected contact of the subject's skin on the exterior of the okapi's form; contact with the object through clothing and contact with the interior of SCP-1807 do not activate this property.This sentence is clunky. I suggest you get rid of the first part entirely, starting with "Contact with…"
SCP-1807-A refers to human voices that can be heard from within the anomalous interior of the okapi, hereby designated SCP-1807-1. As of the time of writing, twenty-seven (27) separate voices have been distinguished and subsequently matched to persons that have disappeared from the town of ██████████, Florida, including [REDACTED] Instances of SCP-1807-A can be heard communicating exclusively with each other, either due to inability to hear outside voices or unwillingness to acknowledge such things. See Audio Log-1807-Alpha for a sample of these voices.I'm not sure the voices need their own SCP designation. They never occur outside the corpse, and they're not important enough or referenced frequently enough to require a permanent separate designation. Also, it gets confusing with all of the -As and -Bs and -1s. They could just be considered part of the ambiance to SCP-1807-1.
SCP-1807-1 is the space within the okapi,You already said that. I think you should move the above voice section down into the SCP-1807-1 section.
It is cold within this space, as the highest recorded temperature is 0oC.That's not clinical at all. Consider changing it to, "SCP-1807-1 maintains temperatures below 0oC by unknown means." or some such.
There are several structures and machines of unknown purpose affixed to the various surfaces of SCP-1807-1. All of these objects are composed of a wide variety of organic matter. When first discovered, these machines displayed minimal levels of activity and complexity, and most appeared to be entirely nonfunctional; however, personnel began noticing increased activity from these objects as well as drastically greater intricacy in their component parts after the creation of several instances of SCP-1807-A. Tentative further testing confirmed a correlation between these two phenomena; as such, testing on SCP-1807 has been temporarily halted.I think you need at least one extra sentence here. You don't really explain what the inside of this thing looks like at all. The Foundation must have SOME guess as to what they are. Do they look like organs? Have they been opened or examined or removed? Do any of them react to stimulus?
On 16/02/2006, several humanoids attired in vintage diving costumes, hereby designated SCP-1807-B, manifested within Site 23 and demanded the usage of SCP-1807. The following log comprises the first interaction with these entities.How did they manifest? Why can't they just manifest right next to SCP-1807?
Anyways, its such a great, creative idea, I really hope you manage to get this one perfect.
Pretty good, heheheh. Glad to see you used a picture I uploaded to the Visrecs.
Glad I found it. It actually inspired most of the background stuff about the -B's and helped me add a lot of depth to the article.
/forum/t-690852/scp-1807#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
