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So i did a typical noob move and posted my page to the main wiki. It was subsequently pulled the fuck apart with precision, and rightly so, it's god awful. Definitely need advice on this. sandbawx link 1945
I think staff are going to abort the the article for anyone that was planning on using the number it's all good :)
You apparently also missed the Rules & Guidelines as well as the Sandbox Instructions where it says to name the sandbox page after yourself.
As for the actual content of the page, I'm not going to bother with a line-by-line, but even a quick skim shows that you haven't read enough of the site to match the tone. It's unclear, convoluted, and inconsistent with any other document on this site.
I have read a lot of articles. Believe me when i say that.
I'm just a terrible writer, if it told you how many weeks i spent on this before I posted it, you would explode man.
I legitimately thought it was ready.
That being said if you find the time i would love to hear in specific what i did wrong.
Will changing the name change the link? in future i definitely will name it after myself.
I changed the link for you. It's now at http://sandbox.scp-wiki.net/mars-two (although you'll need to change the title of the page yourself because I don't feel like doing that).
if your reading this your gay
Thanks mate I'll do it now. Any thoughts on how i could unfuck the actual narrative while you here?
Most people have told me it's to far gone.
Firstly, please. If you have read a lot of articles, the first one you should've read was the instructions detailing sandbox set-up and all that jizz jazz. I'm going to do a more thorough review, but I will be telling you that "I'm a terrible writer" is not much an excuse. At least make an effort with your posting here, good grammar and all that. It'll be good for you and will translate more consistently in your writing and help you improve.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
Thanks mate :)
This is me putting in effort (please no tears for me)
"I'm a terrible writer" was meant to be more of an explanation with some subtle self deprecation to show I'm up for criticism.
If you're putting the time in to review I appreciate it.
I know you don't have to, so I appreciate that.
First up, thank you for deleting the article, or allowing it to be deleted, and moving the critique of it to the sandbox and the forum, which is how it is meant to go.
Now we're here, I can give more detailed feedback.
Unfortunately, there's so much wrong with the spelling, formatting and general execution, it's actually quite hard for me to work out what the central idea even is.
You describe -A and -B as a metal cube and a housing unit within that cube, but then you say "SCP-1945 appears internally to be a visual effects studio". So, is the visual effects studio inside the cube? Inside the housing unit that's itself inside the cube? Or are both A and B inside the studio (in which case, why are they described first?)
In any case, the main point of the SCP appears to be the so-called "exclusion event", during which… the employees of the studio visit the basement and turn into monsters? I think? You refer to a "large organic structure" (with a "slide" in it?) which is presumably in the basement, but this hasn't been mentioned in the description at all. The altered monster employees then…attempt to stop the air conditioning in the basement working, even though they injure themselves heavily in the process? This apparently leads to the organic structure overheating and shutting down, I think? Or a related machine shuts down? The after this happens, the cameras in the studio go dead for two days to a week, and then when they come back up again, everyone's fine and doesn't remember what's happened.
I hope that's a fair summary, although I honestly had to work hard to get it to make even that much sense. If that is the rough concept, I have to say I don't really care for it: you've just got a fairly generic workplace that sometimes works on gory things, and then a recurring event during which the employees turn into fairly boring creatures an embark on a gory but otherwise meaningless ritual. There's no sense of a narrative behind these actions, or any kind of explanation or hints to pick up on as to the reasons for it all.
Moving away from the concept, the writing is just poor throughout. Going line by line:
Object Class: safe
Object Class should always be capitalised, so "Safe".
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1945 is to be kept on SITE 18
Should be "Site-18". I'm still confused as to precisely what the SCP is, but if it is a whole visual effects studio, we presumably can't easily move it around, so I'm not sure how much sense it makes to say we're keeping it on a Site. Instead, a Site would be built around it.
Should be a full stop at the end of this sentence. The next sentence doesn't need to be on a new line as it presently is.
SCP–1945 –A: Large metal cube with a steal hatch located on the top plane.
No space between "1945" and "-A". You mean "steel", not "steal". "located on the top plane" is an awkward phrasing; I'd substitute "set into the top surface". Don't use a colon here, instead just write full sentences, i.e. "SCP-1945-A is a large metal cube with a steel hatch set into the top surface."
SCP–1945 –B: large housing unit encased within SCP–1945 –A
Again, this should just be a new sentence in the same paragraph as the last two, not on a line by itself. Again, don't use the colon as you have, write a full sentence instead. I am bit perplexed as to how there's a housing unit inside the cube? What does "housing unit" actually mean here?
Both instances were found buried in the Algar Do Carvão caves.
You should specify where in the world this is, at a minimum, it should be "the Algar Do Carvão caves in the island of Terceira in the Azores."
These four lines should be all one paragraph, rather than constantly on new lines.
Amnesiacs where administered.
You mean "were".
SCP-1945 appears internally to be a visual effects studio resembling that of ███████, New Zealand.
I'm a bit confused as to how a visual effects studio can "resemble" another specific one. It's either identical to it, or it's going to just be as similar to it as any other visual effects studio, surely? What specific features does it share? And why is this relevant to anything?
The residents of the studio do not change, shower or sleep in the days surrounding the event yet show no symptoms of insomnia.
For clarity, have the Foundation been inside the studio at all? Have these resident been interviewed, or any effort made to remove them? If not, why not? Do they ever leave the studio? Do they have anything approaching normal lives?
Better to have a full stop rather than a comma here, and then begin a new sentence (as part of the same paragraph though, not on a new line!). Has the Foundation made any effort to identify where these emails come from?
film projects worked on by the team range from animated features to footage from unsolved homicide cases however studio residents do not appear to be effected
Should be "affected".
by the extreme nature of the footage and focus mainly on composting and.
And… what? Finish this sentence, please.
Four cameras are located throughout the building recording in pixel resolutions
Surely you need to say how many pixels? All resolutions are pixel resolutions. Although to be hones,t I'm not sure why this level of detail about the cameras is necessary.
, at 24, 30, or 60 progressive frames per second.
Again, this detail on the cameras seems irrelevant. Are these cameras part of the original structure, or are they placed there by the Foundation for surveillance?
EXCLUSION EVENT
Generally speaking, when an SCP has an associated event, the event is not given a name like this. It's more usual to see some kind of arbitrary code name , like Event-1945-Hepburn. Right now, it's really unclear as to why it's an "exclusion event". What's being excluded?
A siren will sound in the building at which point the basement level door will open and the inhabitants will begin to descend single file.
The basement level and its contents haven't been mentioned up to this point, which feels like a major omission. "the inhabitants" is ambiguous as to whether it's the inhabitants of the studio (i.e. the employees, already mentioned) or some other as-yet-undescribed inhabitants of the basement. Specify who they are more clearly.
After exactly 58 minutes have passed
"After exactly 58 minutes have elapsed since the siren began to sound" would be more precise.
subjects will emerge in the basement devoid of clothing,
So… they took off their clothes after they descended to the basement? Haven't we observed them the entire way, so we'd have seen them do that? Or are they spontaneously vanishing and reappearing.
having undergone the primary stage of the exclusion event.
It isn't clear what this means. If it means that they've become "altered employees", as below in "Stage 1", then we need the description of what "Stage 1" is to appear before this sentence, not after it.
Consistently inhabitants faces will be covered with a wet fabric and heads apparently shaved.
Again, surely we'd have watched these things occur?
Playback of the video shows that each inhabitant has grown an estimated 65 cm taller and appears to have become malnourished in the process. Stretch marks are visible on the arms and lower torso.
This all suggests we're only watching this happen on video (and only from restricted angles at that, so we don't see everything). Why?
Stage 1: Inhabitants of SCP-1945 begin to act with the characteristics of a lentivirus.
I don't know what a lentivirus is, or what it would mean for a human to act with its characteristics. This merits a footnote and/or some additional explanation.
Altered employees will now be referred to as AE’s
It is more usual to describe subjects altered by an SCP as "SCP-XXXX-1" (or whatever suitable number is as yet unused in the article.
AE’s begin the process
What process? It can't be the "exclusion event", because that already began with the siren. This is the first mention of any kind of process.
by opening the slide in the large organic structure and cutting what appears to be a large artery.
None of these objects (the organic structure, its large artery or its "slide", whatever that means) have been mentioned up to this point. They all clearly need to be, in the description.
Two then cram and block the top fans using ███████ ████.
The fans also haven't been mentioned. The expungement here doesn't make any real sense either, especially considering you say they use "any sharp object" in the very next sentence. Although it also isn;t clear how sharp objects would "cram and block" fans.
This can take 4 - 6 minutes,
"This takes between four and six minutes."
In all cases the wounds are potentially fatal lacerations resulting in large blood loss.
Why are there wounds at all, if they're using tools to do the blocking of the fans? It's really unclear here what is actually happening, who is doing what to whom.
AE’s appear to be in extreme pain during this stage.
Again, why?
Once done the subjects will crawl into two adjacent vents in the ground. It is unknown where these vents lead.
Why don't we know? It's be straightforward enough to send an endoscopic camera down or something. Have we not been in the basement at all? Why not?
At this point the five other AE’s will enter the room also devoid of clothing.
You already said they all entered the basement devoid of clothing. Five can't enter again now.
AE’s enter at a sprint and attempt to “jam” themselves into the lower fan vents on the sides of the organism. During the process subjects endure massive self induced tissue trauma and blood loss as a result of the vent edges and small size of the entry points.
Why aren't these five using the same sharp objects the first two were using?
AE’s do not appear to be in pain from the injuries,
A full stop or a colon would be better here.
each of the five will attempt to help push each other into the vents though
You mean "through".
movements that become exceedingly euphoric in nature.
How can movements be euphoric?
This progression can take up to an hour and has been described as “difficult to watch”.
Described by whom?
Due to the extreme damage taken by the AE’s, it is unclear how they are able to manipulate the machine once inside,
What machine? This is the first time a machine was mentioned. Is it the same thing as the organism? What manipulations are being performed, besides jamming the fans?
however after 36 minutes exactly
36 minutes exactly after what?
the machines systems
Should be "the machine's systems".
begin to fail gradually and heat signature suggests it stops generating heat.
If, as I've thought up to now, we;re only seeing this on camera, how are we getting a "heat signature"?
Approximately 4 hours after the exclusion event finishes
What marks the end of the exclusion event? The failure of the machine?
the cycle resets itself and all cameras feeds go dead.
Should be "cameras' feeds".
Attempts to get the feedback online during this stage have resulted in failure.
"Feedback" isn't the right word here. "Attempts to get the camera feed online" would be better. Again, are these cameras part of the overall SCP, or Foundation installed. Why, given that they don't work all the time, do we rely on them to monitor the object?
Thanks so much! I'll work on the over all story first and then I'll make the grammar corrections as specified. The idea or concept was that the caves are actually polar opposite on the globe to the actual VFX house that the story is based off in new Zealand.
The reason they grow in height and intensity once they get to the lower level is to kind of fit into the theme of a virus, cutting the artery was supposed to symbolize attacking the immune system. They don't become monsters essentially there metabolism goes through the roof, but i could have described that better, also Its hard not to refer to them as subjects, as in the rules they mention specifically that thats frowned upon unless its used in testing conditions. Im still trying to work around that now.
Ok so the full review.
Firstly, you didn't format correctly. Your sentence structure is still bad. You're missing periods on some sentences. And the picture is not formatted right.
SCP-1945 consists of two structures SCP-1945–A and SCP–1945–B
No period.
SCP–1945 –B: large housing unit encased within SCP–1945 –A
No period. Also you could've just said 'SCP-XXXX consists of two structures, referred to as SCP-XXXX-A and SCP-XXXX-B respectively. SCP-XXXX-A is…. SCP-XXX-B is…' It would've fixed, like, half of what's up here.
Locals discovered SCP–1945 –A after a category 4 hurricane hit the coast.
The four locals that found SCP–1945 –A claim they heard screaming inside.
Amnesiacs where administered.
Excavation and transport took place 12/6 /████
This isn't proper spelling, grammar, and this should all be one paragraph. Is English your first language? Second? Third, maybe? (Is there a language that doesn't use paragraphs?)
SCP-1945 appears internally to be a visual effects studio resembling that of ███████, New Zealand.
7 people inhabit the building at all times both prior and post exclusion event.
The residents of the studio do not change, shower or sleep in the days surrounding the event yet show no symptoms of insomnia.
Again, this is out of place. If you are talking about what 1945 looks like, why are you putting it far and away from your initial 'this is what it is'? Furthermore, why explain the effects of an exclusion event before properly explaining what an exclusion event is?
The studio is contracted for work via email each week, film projects worked on by the team range from animated features to footage from unsolved homicide cases however studio residents do not appear to be effected by the extreme nature of the footage and focus mainly on composting.
This is a clusterfuck of a sentence. It just doesn't work. It should be at least 2 or more sentences. Also the grammar is bad.
EXCLUSION EVENT
This should be near the top, as it is more relevant (important) information.
Altered employees will now be referred to as AE’s
No period.
AE’s enter at a sprint and attempt to “jam” themselves
Bad Tone. The entire article is badtone of course.
that become exceedingly euphoric in nature
I don't think euphoric means what you think it does.
has been described as “difficult to watch”.
This is not how quotes work
Due to the extreme damage taken by the AE’s, it is unclear how they are able to manipulate the machine once inside, however after 36 minutes exactly the machines systems begin to fail gradually and heat signature suggests it drops rapidly in temperature.
Same overly long sentence.
Approximately 4 hours after the exclusion event finishes the cycle resets itself and all cameras feeds go dead.
This dead time has been known to vary in length from 48 hours to a week. Attempts to get the feedback online during this stage have resulted in failure.
After reset all employees of SCP-1945 do not seem to have any recollection of the events, nor signs of the damage taken to them physically.
Y u no paragraph?
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
Sigh, I really didn't want to do a line-by-line tonight, but whatever.
Object Class: safe
Object classes are always capitalized.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1945 is to be kept on SITE 18 at a constant temperature consistent with southwestern Pacific weather patterns.
Why is "Site 18" capitalized?
What on earth is a "Southwestern Pacific weather pattern", and why that instead of a specific temperature and humidity range? These are emergency instructions for response teams in case of a breach or other major event; they don't have time to Google the temperature of some random far-away region in those situations.
No electronic devices are permitted with in 200 meters of the containment cell without 04 level clearance.
There is also no such thing as "04 level clearance". There is such a thing as "with permission from at least one (1) Level 4 Site Director", which is what I'm assuming what you meant.
SCP-1945 consists of two structures SCP-1945–A and SCP–1945–B
Missing a period at the end.
SCP–1945 –A: Large metal cube with a steal hatch located on the top plane.
I don't think "plane" means what you think it means. You also misspelled "steel", and how do we know what the hatch is composed of but not the rest? Also, this is an object in containment; why don't we know how big it is?
SCP–1945 –B: large housing unit encased within SCP–1945 –A
Capitalization, missing punctuation, and what the hell is a "housing unit"?
Both instances were found buried in the Algar Do Carvão caves.
I should not have to use Google to figure out what country this is in, and there is no reason why the origin of this SCP should be mentioned before describing what this SCP does.
As a general rule of thumb, if I don't know what the basic anomalous property of this object is by the end of the second paragraph, you're doing it wrong.
Locals discovered SCP–1945 –A after a category 4 hurricane hit the coast.
Off-tone, and "Category 4" should be capitalized.
The four locals that found SCP–1945 –A claim they heard screaming inside.
Why is this relevant?
Amnesiacs where administered.
"were"
Excavation and transport took place 12/6 /████
You sure have a lot of weird spacing in this article.
SCP-1945 appears internally to be a visual effects studio resembling that of ███████, New Zealand.
Wait, what? You haven't even described what -A and -B do, and then you tell me that the base designation is a separate object? This description has become insanely convoluted.
7 people inhabit the building at all times both prior and post exclusion event. The residents of the studio do not change, shower or sleep in the days surrounding the event yet show no symptoms of insomnia.
Extremely off-tone, and the flow is horrendous. Why aren't the "people" in this designated as a sub-object if they're that critical to it?
The studio is contracted for work via email each week, film projects worked on by the team range from animated features to footage from unsolved homicide cases however studio residents do not appear to be effected by the extreme nature of the footage and focus mainly on composting.
"affected", not "effected", and this makes zero sense. How do you know they're contracted? How do you know they're from unsolved homicide cases if they're unsolved? Why would any film crew be affected by the "extreme nature of the footage" when they're just making a film? How are they making compost in a film studio?
Four cameras are located throughout the building recording in pixel resolutions, at 24 progressive frames per second.
This is nonsensical. What does "recording in pixel resolutions" even mean?
The feed is picked up via any electronic viewing device in a 200 meter radius.
There's nothing wrong with saying "video monitors" or "televisions".
A camera feed on a basement level of the structure shows a large organic construct resembling a cerebellum.
The basement level of what structure? And why specifically a cerebellum? Did you just mean a brain?
The organism pulsates at a constant rate of 12ppm with two large fan units protruding from the top, and two smaller vents built in to the sides.
There is a huge difference between an 'organism' and an 'organic construct', and how the hell did we come to this conclusion if there's mechanical parts at work here? Also, "ppm" usually means "parts per million", so that is nonsensical as well.
EXCLUSION EVENT
Addendum XXX-01: Exclusion Event Description
19/6/████
This document isn't even close to long enough to necessitate a collapsible. Collapsibles, even when used correctly, are annoying, tone-breaking, and prevent your page from being printed properly or turned into a PDF.
A siren will sound in the building at which point the basement level door will open and the inhabitants will begin to descend single file.
Wait, there's a building now? And we still have no idea where this "basement level" is.
After exactly 58 minutes have passed subjects will emerge in the basement devoid of clothing, having undergone the primary stage of the exclusion event.
You haven't even told us what the primary stage is yet.
Consistently inhabitants faces will be covered with a wet fabric and heads apparently shaved. Playback of the video shows that each inhabitant has grown an estimated 197cm taller and appears to have become malnourished in the process. Stretch marks are visible on the arms and lower torso.
Okay, do you realize that 197 is almost two meters? Are you saying that these people are twelve feet tall when they come out?
Stage 1: Inhabitants of SCP-1945 begin to act with the characteristics of a lentivirus.
Wait, how does a person act like a virus?
Altered employees will now be referred to as AE’s
No, we don't. We use sub-object designations.
AE’s begin the process by opening the slide in the large organic structure and cutting what appears to be a large artery. The two AE's then cram and block the top fans using ███████████ by cutting them out using any sharp object near to them, this can vary from loose corners of the tiles in the floor to electrical pliers. In all cases the wounds are potentially fatal lacerations resulting in large blood loss. AE’s appear to be in extreme pain during this stage which can take 4 - 6 minutes to complete.
Slide in what organic structure? What slide? You are not describing very well.
Stage 2
Once done the subjects will crawl into two adjacent vents in the ground. It is unknown where these vents lead.
How did these vents get here? You haven't mentioned them before now, either.
At this point the five other AE’s will enter the room also devoid of clothing. AE’s enter at a sprint and attempt to “jam” themselves into the lower fan vents on the sides of the organism. During the process subjects endure massive self induced tissue trauma and blood loss as a result of the vent edges and small size of the entry points.
… okay?
AE’s do not appear to be in pain from the injuries, each of the five will attempt to help push each other into the vents though movements that become exceedingly euphoric in nature. This progression can take up to an hour and has been described as “difficult to watch”.
What on earth is a "euphoric movement", I don't think "progression" means what you think it means, and why are we using "scare quotes" in a scientific document?
Due to the extreme damage taken by the AE’s, it is unclear how they are able to manipulate the machine once inside, however after 36 minutes exactly the machines systems begin to fail gradually and heat signature suggests it drops rapidly in temperature.
Ooookay?
Stage 3
Approximately 4 hours after the exclusion event finishes the cycle resets itself and all cameras feeds go dead.
This dead time has been known to vary in length from 48 hours to a week. Attempts to get the feedback online during this stage have resulted in failure.
After reset all employees of SCP-1945 do not seem to have any recollection of the events, nor signs of the damage taken to them physically.
Ummm…
The summary is that I have no clue what is going on in this document. It's so convoluted and full of weird descriptive language that there's just absolutely no comprehension going in. I think you need to explain in simple language what you were trying to shoot for before we can even begin to judge whether you were even close to where you wanted to land.
Thanks, i think i really messed up on this story, the idea in my head was that they are a living computer virus acting with the behavior of a physical organic virus.
Attacking the immune system (jamming the fan vents) (removing writing permissions on their server)
Destroying the system (penetrating and shutting down the vitals) (deleting vital software from the servers.)
through the umm… ahhh.. I totally get what you mean, i haven't explained things in a way that would make sense outside my own mind, I'm making the stupid decision of assuming the reader gets it rather then explaining it.
In short fragment consider reversing? amirite?
Also i know the idea is a little complex for a new writer like myself but now that i have all this feedback to work with/ learn off I really want to finish it. Even if by the end it's still not worth posting on the main site.
This article can be summed up by my initial reaction:
"I do believe my eyes are on fire. Jeeves, fetch the water!"
In other words: This article makes no sense to me, and probably doesn't make sense to you either.
This is the third time you have posted a completely worthless post to a Drafts & Critiques thread. You are wasting everyone's time by posting this crap here, and you are not helping the author at all.
This kind of shitposting is absolutely unacceptable. Your membership to this site is now under review, and at the very least, consider this an official warning.
ok so it's 2:11 am over here in Australia so i'm going to stop. I hope ive improved it a little.
Thanks for the help
http://sandbox.scp-wiki.net/mars-two
I appreciate that you're putting in the effort to listen to criticism and improve your article, so well done for that.
It's improved, but there are still myriad problems. I remain unconvinced the core idea is anywhere near strong enough to carry an article; but provided for the moment we're just using this as practice on getting spelling, grammar, conventions and tone correct…
SCP-1945 is to be kept on Site 18 at a constant temperature of 12° - 14°c through out a 24 hour period.
Should be "Site-18". Should be "throughout a 24 hour period"; although if the temperature is being kept constant at all times, there's no reason to give a duration.
SCP-1945 consists of three structures, referred to as SCP-1945-A, SCP-1945-B and SCP-1945-C respectively.
You don't need to say "respectively" here. It's also wrong to describe the -Cs as "structures", since they're humans.
SCP-1945-C Will refer to the human residents of SCP-1945.
Why are we getting -C first? Surely alphabetical order would make more sense. Don't say "will refer to", that's the wrong tense and sounds very awkward. "refers to" would be preferable, but it's probably better to phrase it differently, e.g: "The seven human residents of SCP-1945 are collectively designated SCP-1945-C."
The seven instances of SCP-1945-C that inhabit the studio do not age or speak. It is also apparent that the SCP-1945-C do not have any awareness of the cameras.
You haven't mentioned the studio or any cameras yet, so this is confusing.
SCP-1945-B SCP-1945-B
Don't repeat this: "SCP-1945-B appears to be" is sufficient.
appears internally to be a shared housing unit. Four cameras appear to be installed
You're over-using "appears" without need. Is there any reason to doubt it really is a housing unit, or that they really are cameras? Once again, I'm forced to ask: why is the Foundation reliant on these cameras (which were apparently already installed) to monitor the SCP?
and are located throughout the building all of which record at 24 progressive frames per second.
Why is the frame rate relevant? No-one cares about the cameras technical specifications.
The feed is picked up wirelessly via any electronic device in a 200 meter radius however the feed does not contain sound.
Again, this raises the question of why the Foundation is content to use this imperfect monitoring system.
SCP-1945-A Is the large steel cube encasing the exterior region of SCP-1945-B.
No need for a capital "I" on "is". What relevance has this steel cube to the rest of the SCP? Is there actually anything anomalous about it? Was it there originally, or is it part of the Foundation's containment, or what?
Anomalous properties of SCP–1945 become apparent during the occurrence know as the Exclusion event.
Should be "became apparent". Should be "known as". Why, again, is it called the "Exclusion event"?
For reference, the first recorded event has been attached to this Secure Containment Protocol.
This doesn't make any sense. Presumably you mean a summary of the event is attached, but given that it follows immediately below, you shouldn't bother with this sentence.
EXCLUSION EVENT
A better title would be closer to "Addendum: Summary of Exclusion Event".
The exclusion event, refers to the phenomenon that takes place once every second week of the month, inside SCP-1945-B.
No need for the commas here. Replace "refers to" with "is".
All variable data on this event is to be recorded and archived.
This should be part of the containment procedures, rather than in the addendum.
A siren will sound in SCP-1945-B at which point the basement level door will open and the inhabitants
Again, "inhabitants" is still ambiguous. Specify that you mean SCP-1945-C.
begin to descend single file. After exactly 58 minutes have passed subjects emerge in the basement devoid of clothing,
Again, why aren't we observing them more closely, from within the building? There doesn't seem to be any reason for the Foundation to be content with only limited views via the existing cameras; if there is, you need to explain what it is.
playback of the video shows that each inhabitant has grown an estimated 197cm taller
That's a very precise estimate, but okay. You keep skipping between "subjects" and "inhabitants". Better to stick to "SCP-1945-C" in all cases.
and appears to have developed extreme Hyper metabolism.
"Appears" again. How would we tell this from the video? "Hypermetabolism" should be either one word or hyphenated, definitely not two words. Describing the hypermetabolism as "extreme" is meaningless and silly.
Stage 1:
I thought we already had the "Primary Stage"? This should be "Stage 2", surely?
Inhabitants of SCP-1945 begin to act with the characteristics of a lentivirus.
I still don't know what a lentivirus is (specifically; I know what viruses are in general). You need to explain this somewhere, and explain the specific shared characteristics (since the comparison is far from obvious).
Altered instances of SCP-1945-C will now be referred to as AE
Another new name for these guys. Stick to one (SCP-1945-C) throughout.
while the brain like construct will be referred to as OC.
It should be "brain-like", but instead I'd actually give it a separate designation in the description (SCP-1945-D). Especially as you didn't use this precise phrase last time.
AEs begin the process by opening the slide
Again, first mention of "the process". At best this should be something like: "At the beginning of this stage, two of the SCP-1945-C instances begin to open the slide…."
in the organic construct
Again, just call it SCP-1945-D (or equivalent) throughout.
The two AE
This is the first time you mentioned that it was just two instances performing this action. YOu should mention this earlier (as in my suggested replacement sentence above).
then cram and block the top fans using their hair this stage can take 4 - 6 minutes to complete.
Should be a full stop after "hair", and then begin a new sentence with "This stage". I dislike the word "cram" here, it just sounds like slang. Stick with just "block", or possibly "clog".
They block the fans with their hair, really?
It is unknown where these vents lead.
Why don't we know?
At this point the five other AE’s will enter the room also devoid of clothing.
All the instances already emerged in the basement devoid of clothing. Thy can't enter again now.
AE’s enter at a sprint and attempt to forcibly gain physical entry
"Physical" is unnecessary - what other kinds of entry are there?
each of the five will attempt to help push each other
"will attempt to help push" is awkward (four verbs in a row). I'd go with "will attempt to push" or just "will push".
into the vents though movements that become exceedingly erratic in nature.
"Through", not "though". "Exceedingly" sounds silly in a formal, neutral-toned document.
This progression can take up to an hour.
It sounds odd to describe this sequence of actions as a "progression". Just use "stage".
Due to the extreme damage taken by the AE’s, it is unclear how they are able to manipulate the organic construct once inside, however after 36 minutes exactly the organic construct's heat signature drops to room temperature.
Again, if we're watching this all on camera, how do we get a heat signature? Why would we assume they're doing anything inside, rather than assuming the shutdown of the brain entity is due to the destruction of the fans?
Approximately 4 hours after the exclusion event finishes the cycle resets itself and all cameras feeds go dead.
Should be "cameras' feeds".
This dead time has been known to vary in length from 48 hours to a week. Attempts to get the feed back online during this stage have resulted in failure.
One final time: why on earth are the Foundation using this incomplete and unreliable surveillance method? Is there some reason they can't just go in and watch events themselves, or install their own cameras?
Study of the exclusion event focuses primarily on the rapid behavioural changes observed in the human residents, however research into the siren's origins is pending approval.
This is just bizarre. Of all the things to investigate here, you pick the siren?
SCP–1945 was discovered in the Algar Do Carvão caves after a Category 4 hurricane formed off the coast of the island.
Again, please specify where these are in the world, i.e. name the island, and say it's part of the Azores.
Thanks, making these changes now. The community help here is excellent, makes putting in the effort worth it. Yes im not sure if this article will go anywhere either. Maybe i can polish it for the sandbox though.
You're over-using "appears" without need
Fixed that, i need to use it for the cameras as they don't know how, or why the cameras are even there (its supposed to be part of the SCP) like someone wants you to see it 2SpoOKY 4 me
Again, "inhabitants" is still ambiguous. Specify that you mean SCP-1945-C.
The problem I'm having is if i repeat it to much (and i kind of have to) it complicates things even more. I want to try removing the SCP- sub reference to inhabitants/residents.
Why, again, is it called the "Exclusion event"?
Changed it. Not sure why i even called it that in the first place.
Again, why aren't we observing them more closely, from within the building? There doesn't seem to be any reason for the Foundation to be content with only limited views via the existing cameras; if there is, you need to explain what it is.
I've added it to the description for SCP-1945-A. They also use ultrasound ( I saw them using ultrasound to look through metal in mega structures on the discovery Channel. Heh inspiration)
I still don't know what a lentivirus is (specifically; I know what viruses are in general). You need to explain this somewhere, and explain the specific shared characteristics (since the comparison is far from obvious).
I've tried to make the comparisons a little more obvious
I personally really like the idea of a physical manifestation of a computer virus playing out what appears to be a "simulation" over and over: something about it just makes me squick in a way that is nothing to do with the gore. However, despite the panoply of changes that you've made, the article is still very confused, and subsequently confusing for people reading it. When you've spent a long time writing something, it's often hard to view it from another perspective, but trust me when I say that as someone who has no idea what your article is about, it's extremely hard to penetrate it. I'm not nearly advanced enough in status to presume to give solid advice, but what follows is just my own opinion something that seems off.
I think it's a bad idea to begin the description with three different things in a list, as this requires the reader to focus on several things at once and makes it very difficult to take in. In Dr. Mackenzie's very good article on documentation, one nice piece of advice that I particularly took away from it is that brevity and simplicity are not the mark of a bad writer; rather, especially since these pieces are supposed to be technical documents rather than stories, it is far better to avoid complexity and to simply eloquate an idea in a brief but informative way. Thus, it would benefit you to establish exactly what your article is about in the first few sentences of the description, and then continue it on from there in a fashion that benefits a technical document- that is to say, laying out the way that things are and then expanding on them as necessary.
This could also be said for the second part, this "Exclusion event": I feel that it would benefit enormously from some brief explanation of exactly what it is, and also some conjecture as to why it is. You stated previously what the essence of the article is: perhaps it would be of benefit to include some subtle description of this in the actual article, too.
As I said, I can't give as objective a criticism as the more established members of this site, but I, personally, think that with development this article could shine.
Your absolutely right, it started off a lot simpler then over time grew really long. I’m taking your advice and i'm going to make it more simple.
I think the exclusion event was very poorly written on my part, i need to review it thoroughly. Ill let you know when i've made the changes :)
I'm not sure what version the others are talking about, but in comparison to the original, your newest draft is actually fairly clear, if still in dire need of work. I've already pm'd you the advice that I committed to giving you, so I'd be interested in seeing what you can come up with on those points. Either way, I'll repost everything here, I know wikidot's inboxes can be a bit of a pain in the ass.
Now, having looked at it myself, I gotta say that you're not bringing much new to the table by making it into a bunch of humans that act like a real-life virus on a weird building. Other than that, everyone in the forum has already offered advice on how to fix formatting and spelling and grammatical stuff, so take care of that.
Once you get that sorted out, there are a few questions you need to ask yourself before you continue, and before I can help you. It'd be really awesome if you could number your answers as appropriate in your reply, too, just to keep comprehension at maximum :P
1: What emotion are you trying to get your reader to feel, and how does the story you tell with your article help with that?
2: What are you doing to make this idea unique? In the time I've been at the Foundation, the idea of a group of humans acting like a virus, or a computer virus screwing with people like a real virus, or vice versa, has been attempted dozens of times, and no one has come up with a unique spin on it.Now, this is just an idea, but if the building itself is a "living" organism, and the office workers that work inside it act like the functions of the body, then you have a bunch of vandals storming in like a virus/bacteria, injuring the people working inside, causing damage to the people in the office, warping the walls like boils or failed organs would be, screwing with the heating system to imitate shivers/fever, stuff like that? See what you can come up with.
What I'm trying to say is, you should push your idea more, out of the bare-bones work you have now.
3: And finally, if someone was going to talk about your article a week later, what would they mention? What would you want to stick with them?
Think about all of these points, and you ought to be headed in the right direction.
Perfect thank you, I'm adding this to the list.
