The Beecano
Edited:
Best name I could come up with. Even though it's not bees. "Bee" is just more fun to say. I look forward to your feedback.
Edit 2: Made some minor changes to clarify a few points.
Draft: The Beecano
Forum
» Writing Help / Help: Drafts Critique
» Draft: The Beecano
Summary:
Technically, they're wasps.
Yo, man, I think there's been some misunderstanding here. Drafts are supposed to be posted into a sandbox, then linked in these threads to that sandbox. Actual drafts are disallowed from the forums.
Yeah, sorry, I somehow missed that. Fixing original post.
's all good man, the rules are confusing, it happens sometimes. Anyways, here's a critique.
Overview, Analysis, and Opinion
Brief Summary
BEERUPTION
Overall Thoughts
I like the concept, but you need to do more with it. The idea of a mountain filled with wasps that can come out at any time and actually may erupt into a sky full of wasps is a novel idea and I like it, but I feel like you need to expand a little more, I suppose. On the upside, your tone overall is not bad and generally solid, which is remarkable for a new writer, so keep up the good work on that front!
Verdict
I would probably upvote this, but I think you need to work on this more and get further opinions before you think about posting this to the mainlist.
Suggestions
- Expand on this more. Find a way to make it more in-depth.
- Get more opinions.
Specific Details/Line-by-Line
Special Containment Procedures
Instead, the area has been designated a nature preserve and several "endangered" species of plant and animal have been manufactured and introduced to the area.
I don't think that the word "endangered" necessarily needs to be in quotation marks here, but more importantly, are you implying that the Foundation can/would just create animals and plants willy nilly, probably through anomalous means? Or are you trying to say that the Foundation is claiming these animals are existent within the area and fabricate evidence towards that?
Development is forbidden.
I personally think that this is a given, since you specified this as a nature reserve.
Containment is no longer an option.
Containment is always an option.
ADDITIONAL THINGS
- Is this it? How do we test these? What do we need to know when handling the anomalies? Do personnel need to wear specific clothing? What can someone absolutely not do here? I want you to think of it like this (DISCLAIMER: THIS METHOD PERSONALLY HELPS ME, BUT MIGHT NOT WORK FOR EVERYONE); I like to imagine that somewhere in-universe, some poor sap is just handed the special containment procedures and has to take care of the skip. No description, no history, no anything. So if they is anything, anything the person needs to know when handling this, I suggest including it in this section.
Description
and have been known to “hunt” small animals
I don't think you need quotation marks here.
Addenda
Data gathered estimates an increase in pressure underground, and reports of new "vents" appear regularly. Release of SCP-XXXX-2 in event of an “eruption” would cover an area comparable to the 2010 eruption of Eyjafjallajökull in Iceland. Much of the continental United States would be covered in a dense cloud of SCP-XXXX-2.
Holy shit, a wasp eruption? That's seriously fuckin' terrifying.
I’ll be frank with you: this is the nightmare scenario. Short of an XK event, this is exactly as bad as it gets. Even in its current state, due to its location and size this skip is uncontainable. We can't even keep people away from it, and the "best" we can do is keep them from realizing how screwed they really are. Elimination protocols are in order, but not until 100% sure that they will work and not just blow the lid off this thing. We’ll only get one shot. O5-7
I really don't like this. It kinda dampened the impact of everything, felt like a cop out, and just did not work.
BBBBBEEEEEESSSSS!
The name seems like a joke SCP to me. What about 'Seismic Bees/Wasps'?
Yellow Jacket Volcano is probably the most descriptive name I could use.
This is in no way a joke SCP, as it is not really funny. Is that all the criticism you have to offer?
Well, one would think portmanteaus aren't appreciated at the Foundation. SO YES THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY.
insert_number:
This is the second time I've seen you spamming the Drafts & Critiques forum with nonsensical posts. This forum is for serious feedback and detailed critiques, not your personal stomping ground for when you're bored. I am only going to ask you nicely one more time to stop filling the threads here with useless drivel; the next time I will take it up with staff.
Are the yellow jackets sterile, or do they reproduce? If they reproduce, are their progeny similarly anomalous? If so, the Foundation would have to do things to ensure that they don't spread beyond the local area.
These individuals differ from most in that even the adults consume meat (normally a trait only of larvae) in addition to sugars, and have been known to “hunt” small animals, with the largest colonies observed consuming cats and small dogs. SCP-XXXX-2 colonies on SCP-XXXX-1 display abnormal frequency, size, and aggressiveness.
While the thought of being consumed by a horde of wasp-like insects is disturbing, is the meat eating really necessary? If they were merely unusually aggressive, like Africanized honey-bees, they'd be just as dangerous. Or maybe they're just agitated after being forcibly expelled from the ground.
Attempts to capture queens for study in the lab have been ineffective, as they also burrow abnormally deep and protect the queen within the bedrock.
So these things can dig through solid rock? That should be noted explicitly.
Yellow jackets were observed digging up through the dirt to create the nests.
Italicizing "up" like that isn't the sort of clinical detachment you'd find in a Foundation document.
Release of SCP-XXXX-2 in event of an “eruption” would cover an area comparable to the 2010 eruption of Eyjafjallajökull in Iceland.
1) Would they be able to survive the forces involved in a volcanic eruption? The description doesn't describe them as being unusually resistant to damage.
2) It was ash that spread so far, because it was being carried on the wind. The yellow jackets would only spread as far as the non-floating bits of rock hurled by an eruption, and maybe even not that far, since yellow jackets aren't as dense as rock, and hence would be slowed down a lot more by air resistance. Maybe if the volcano spewed out ash which turned into yellow jackets?
I think this idea is good, but you're not done cooking it yet.
The thing that struck me about it first was that the containment procedures are really soft, probably owing to the fact that you (apparently?) picked a famous landmark as the location of these things. Especially for something you're claiming could be Keter class, "discouraging" campers isn't an option. Dosing them with a Class C and dropping them at a local hotel seems more likely.
Which brings me to another point: it breaks suspension of disbelief for me to think of these things as inhabiting a well-known landmark upon which people are still allowed to Camp. That isn't how we treat Keter objects, and it surely isn't how we prevent the leak of info about such objects.
Most of the other problems I've seen mentioned already, so I'll just leave you with that.
/forum/t-676109/draft:the-beecano#post-
page revision: 1, last edited: 02 Apr 2021 15:16
