Marginally more interesting than the previously version, but still does nothing for me. No vote for now.
Giving bearhugs to the unsuspecting since 1872.
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Remove the radiation that lets them access the Internet bit and I'd upvote.
Otherwise, good rewrite, good effort.
E: I especially like how it's a memetic poem-virus, that's just sort of the icing on the cake for me.
Well, I might make more edits if the down-voting continues, but can ask why that part bothers you?
The radiation/internet access just feels tacked on. You could try changing it so that they claim to be in constant contact with the entity through the internet at all times even when not at a computer, though.
Edit: Also, the fact that radiation gives them telepathic Internet access makes no sense.
Well that is what the radiation is supposed to imply. If I remove that part, I'd have to edit the procedures too, since the three-level Faraday Cages are designed to block the radiation.
Here, let me try something.
Yeah, I'm not entirely sure how to fix that problem…I removed "telepathically" but that's all I can think of for now.
Loving the change to radio waves. Works much better now. Have an upvote.
I almost upvoted, then you lost me with anomalous radiation for telepathic internet access
If you made it that they essentially grow a wi-fi antenna inside their ear or something, I'd maybe, maybe upvote, but as-is it's empty technobabble.
Well I like it. The image of someone writing love sonnets to a bookshelf over the internet is an amusing one.
Alright, I've changed the nature of the radiation thing, please take a look at the new explanation and let me know if it works now.
I'm considering adding a footnote to better explain the radio waves: they're going to come from a unique neural gland that develops during the infection. Removing the gland is impossible without killing the subject, because it's fused to the hypothalamus.
Better, but still not there yet. -1 for now, but I'm glad to see that you're improving.
E: Retracting my statement about "the next draft" since this drifted into the positive range, though I still feel it's missing… something.
+1, because I truly love the idea of an internet-based sonnet messing with your mind and brain. I also think that this gives just the right amount of information about the nature of the anomaly (that is, very little, but enough to intrigue).
if your reading this your gay
The sonnet portion was expunged from the original article; I had originally intended to do the same thing 835 did with releasing expunged materials, but this works much better. Thanks for your support, too.
Quite the turnaround on this. The poem aspect caught me immediately, and I think that alone makes this stand above other "computer virus what infects meatpeople" skips.
Yeah, that was what caught my eye. It's almost a whole new article.
Ok, this is better. It actually does something interesting and while it has no proper hook, I think the improvement is considerable. +1.
That's what I like about it, there's no big hook. That may hurt it in the long run, but it feels kind of like a refreshing change to me.
How would you define "hook"? I know it's supposed to draw the reader in, but the definition is always so vague.
The hook is something that draws the reader in and makes it memorable, like how 682 is unkillable (kinda bad example, but eh) and so doing an article without a good hook can be tough because some people decide their votes based on whether or not they like the hook.
When you look at an otherwise okay article, and read a line that makes you go "holy shit, that's [Adjective here]," and it makes you like the article or want to come back and read it again, or (my personal favorite) reread the entire thing with a new sense of "oh, god"… That's a hook.
In other words, give us a reason to feel some sort of emotional impact about the article. Make us laugh. Make us cry. Make us piss our pants. Surprise us with some unseen (yet logical) consequence. Make us think about your article well after we finish reading it.
Failing that, an interesting image is always fun to work with. XD
Hope this helps.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
