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Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present the new and improved SCP-746 (Pseudo-Avian) which was originally written by Dexanote, I believe.
I liked to thank the following folks for their critique.
This is also my second rewrite of a classic Series 1 article and I am happy to help its continued existence in Foundation containment.
Lets see how this Tengu does.
SCP-746: Honestly, I had my years of fun and I'm happy to have it end with the pleasure of fooling an oni. As said in English: [Speaks in English] Out with a bang.
I love this sort of quirkiness, and I feel like it definitely mirrors how in Asian cultures (from my experience, anyway) people like to sprinkle in words from other Western languages from time to time. English is common, but I've also been in conversations where French phrases were tossed in too.
+1 from me, good bird friend
Also this is totally unrelated, but I was almost getting vibes of Chef Motokichi Yukimura (video about him teaching a guy how to make his signature omelette rice here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFAddL8g8mw) while reading, and that just made me super happy. Cheery people who love what they do and make other people cheery are the best.
I love this sort of quirkiness, and I feel like it definitely mirrors how in Asian cultures (from my experience, anyway) people like to sprinkle in words from other Western languages from time to time.
An Asian here (not Japanese though), you're right. Except that we rarely proclaim "As said in English" first, we just insert it into statement like normal. So it's more likely to be
SCP-746: Honestly, I had my years of fun and I'm happy to have it end with the pleasure of fooling an oni. So you can say: [Speaks in English] Out with a bang!
As far as Series 1 goes it's pretty good, but that's not saying all that much. Don't get me wrong, it's leagues better than the original, which I suppose is all one should expect from a rewrite, but it just fell sort of flat for me. Maybe if I was less of an uncultured swine the nods to Japanese culture would win me over, but I'm just not feeling anything from this article.
-1
I feel this is a downgrade from the original in terms of tone and execution. -1
I am a beginner translator, translating this document into Chinese.
I love the Japanese legend of the ancient ogres. But "pseudo-avian", as you describe it, is more like "a new creature that has never been discovered" than "an abnormal creature".I don't think that's a good fit for a SCP object.
Well-executed re-write. I'd say a clear improvement on the original.
But the Foundation encountering straight-up folklore has been done; and I don't see anything particularly unique or compelling about this visit to the trope.
And I find his friendly, cooperative attitude towards the Foundation completely at odds with the sort of personality that would prank a killer oni just for the lulz.
That's aside from the fact that such a crippling injury should leave an (ahem) impact.
Maybe he could still be attempting pranks on Foundation staff, but keeps running into his physical limits. Mounting frustration leads to a continuing pseudo-cheerful demeanor, but increasingly mean and dangerous prank attempts. Perhaps showing him gradually learning to cope with his disability and/or recovering faster than physical therapists were led to believe. Near the end, there could be breaches and staff deaths that they can't prove 746 is responsible for, but next day he's in the first legit good mood they've seen in a while.
As is, -1 for not hooking me.
I'd probably novote if not for how jarring the image is in comparison to the rest of the article. You've got a nightmare vulture headlining for a cheeky tengu, which leaves the whole document clashing.
wait wait wait… lemme get all the weird facts in order…
first off, could I get a link to the other S1 article you made?
Seconding UraniumEmpire here. The image and the article have the exact opposite tone. Is it possible for a rewrite to get a rewrite? I guess we'll just wait and see.
blabbo
A rewrite is currently under development between me and Zyn. Also, in regards to the image, I think it helps to subvert expectations, and we have other articles that have such images around here.
An image isn't supposed to set the expectations of your article. It's supposed to provide a mental image to compliment your article. Going against that amounts to shooting yourself in the foot.
No vote. But writing some kind of 'Yokai(妖怪)' is not a bad one.
We already have some objects which are on the theme of 'Yokai' like SCP-2511 and 2863, but there are not as same as the original. For example, 2511 is a mysterious phenomenon that 'Kappa(河童)'s teleport to Mongolia. 2863 is a flock of skeletons called 'Gashadokuro(がしゃどくろ)' with have some features that are added.
You wrote an object about 'Tengu(天狗)', right? Well, this one has no difference from the original one. And I think the thing about 'Oni(鬼)' is unnecessary.
How about gathering the information about 'Tengu' for a while? It might be a big help. Also, I can be your help of the rewrite.
I hope this object will be a good one. Thank you.
Baronjoe and I are working on a rewrite together. What kind of help are you offering here?
Well, I know some facts about 'Tengu' and the other 'Yokai's, it may give you a new idea.
We could easily do a quick Google search about Tengu. Besides, they are not hard to understand for they are very well known Yokai along with Kappa and Oni.
