Take two, thanks to everyone in chat and in the forums, Toa_Vine especially, tatob910 for the neutralized logo.
There's still a good bit of implication and subtext, but I managed to almost double the length.
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(account deleted)You took my biggest problem with this, that the collective is the GOI equivalent of a Mary Sue, and made it worse.
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A Mary Sue is an idealised character… these guys aren't a Mary Sue. I would know, as I wrote the Mary Sue to end all Mary Sues
Would you care to go into more detail with what made you think they are Mary sues?
I had the same problem. Basically, the Collective has no substance other than just "bigger badder Foundation". All the other GoIs do something differently. Broken god is trying to rebuild Mekhane, AWCY makes anomalous art pieces, the GOC curb-stomps things instead of containing them. The Collective is different from the Foundation pretty much literally only in that they are bigger, older and stronger. In addition, they act all high-and-mighty, which while being the logical actions for them, really grates on a lot of readers. I do like the concept, but I think you just need to add some flavoring to it. Make the Sunrise Collective stand out, be its' own unique take.
I second this. It's hard for me to care about the conflict between the Foundation and the Collective when it's almost certain that the Collective are going to win from the moment the reader learns about them.
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The thing is, they originally lost, but I listened to the people that said that needed to be changed and now it's the opposite. I'll consider it.
I know that they lost. Them winning in this version is what led me to make my original comment. I feel like they're too overpowered, although Mary Sue is the wrong term.
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"Yes. There's no other way about it. We cannot co-exist, because you must be contained."
"You are an extraterrestrial threat to this world, its ecosystem."
I thoroughly enjoyed this aspect of the scip. Sure, the Sunrise Collective might not be the most interesting GOI, but the concept of humanity being an anomaly in the greater scope of things nails the "History" aspect of this contest perfectly.
Even though a lot of people seem split on this as it is, this is my personal pick for the contest for now, although that might change with later entries.
Thanks! If I think of anything I can add to spruce it up, I will. I kinda suspected portraying them in such a negative light, as interlopers, might not go down perfectly. But I like it, and as long as others like it, it was worth it
This isn't substantially different from the last one to me, even with the new addendum at the end. The Collective still feels to me like we are being told that they're a bigger badder Foundation; the panic that leads the O5 to do what they do does not feel earned and there are no stakes to the conflict.
I hate to say it, I like what you did with the format for verisimilitude's sake, but man, that contrast is killer on my eyes and I just don't want to read it. D:
That, and monospace fonts aren't good for very much other than code imo.
I still enjoyed it a lot, though.
I have only liked a few of the 4000 proposals that have came in so far. This one is one of them. Its just amazing. Take my upvote.
This is definitely one of my favourites in the contest. Unique, a full story that kept me interested throughout, and the right amount of mystery. Only issue is I don't see why the old-style computer format needed to be used, especially throughout. Still an easy +1 though.
A really well done skip IMHO. It has my +1. However, I suggest you to add any "Proof of Might" around the Collective, to give any reason why they are so massively strong.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
