I think it's okay, but a good chunk of the addenda could be simplified down into a few sentences in a much more concise way. No vote for now.
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(account deleted)The addenda are still oh god big, but upvoted.
astoundingly resilient
Tone issue here.
seemingly cease to age
I am unsure of the need for the word "seemingly". If they cease to age they cease to age?
seemingly willing animals to work cooperatively or coordinate attacks
Surely there is a more effective way to say this than using "seemingly willing animals" and "attacks"?
a compounding rage effect
Finding the language iffy again.
induces aggressive behavior in several orders of mammal
You see, this is a perfectly fine description as opposed to "compounding rage effect".
appears to be hypoallergenic
…You mean, normal temporin causes allergies and that this temporin causes less allergies than usual? I don't fully understand why this needs to be here.
SCP-1495-M-1 contains compounds similar to certain unknown chemicals found in SCP-500. Further testing on these substances is pending approval. Note by Dr. Ladd: When Xylazine was used in an attempt to lessen the effect of SCP-1495-M, SCP-1495-M-1 excretions lacked these qualities but effects on other mammals remained unchanged.
Well, I don't really like the SCP-500 reference. But I really don't know why the doctor's note is in there at all. I don't know how it would add to the article in any meaningful way. It's just fat and should be trimmed.
Foundation personnel immediately dispatched from Bombay
Base camp is set up, local guides and appropriate gear acquired
classified as Anomalous/Cryptid
First documented incidence of males interacting directly with local fauna
Why do all these lack periods when the rest of the document adds periods to sentences? It's a confusing and unnecessary inconsistency.
Addendum 1495-A1
So, what's the point of this? How does it show us anything you haven't already told us in the article? Why add the Ethics committee note? Why add the d-class deaths?
Addendum 1495-A2
Okay…? Is this Addendum supposed to be an implication the elephants are able to judge humans' crimes?
At this time it is unknown if SCP-1495-M-1 itself is sentient or sapient, but it appears to possess the ability to identify those guilty of various crimes, such as murder and sexual assault.
Wait, if you tell us this straight out, what is the purpose of Addendum 1495-A2? 1495-A3 tells us everything we need to know much, much better.
Addendum 1495-A4
That, uhm, doesn't tell us anything we don't already know and hasn't already been explained to us? I mean, it's fine, but I don't see the purpose of it if we have already been told everything it does? It just adds nothing.
Overall: A lot can be cut from this article to produce the exact same effect, which really doesn't grab me in the first place. -1
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
I don't feel like it was longer than it needed to be. I, for one, enjoyed the idea of elephants with a heightened sense of morality and a conviction that they will enforce it upon us — and I really enjoy that the Foundation picked up on this like actual people would, and proceeded to perform logical experiments to test this. +1, but you may want to get a proofreader to look at this.
if your reading this your gay
My goal was to pin the sense of morality on the temporin itself, not necessarily the elephants. I added addendum 4 to drive that point home but now I think it obfuscates that notion. I'm considering removing that entire addendum.
I've not much to add to what's already been said, except for one grammatical thing that bothers me: you repeatedly use however as if it were but. However can only be used as a conjunction in the sense of "in whatever way" (e.g. "however you choose"); as an adverb, it can't introduce a new clause. I've corrected the first instance of this, but the problem is slightly rampant in the article.
I liked it so much before reading the addenda that I groaned a little at their size, and there are details like "the Ethics Committee" being a thing that bugged me— and then I got to
All deceased inmates were either convicted murders or rapists
and almost downvoted, because I was enjoying this as a bizzarrely-evolved elephants SCP and really am not fond of the animals-love-good-guys trope, but the regionally religious twist saves it from being awful. I think what bothers me most is the association of this apparently sin-cleansing violence with what was already an interesting twist on elephant reproductive cycles, but maybe you just wanted to avoid OTT elephants.
I'd still like it better without the addenda, but I'll read it again later and reevaluate. Neutral vote for now.
Didn't really find this interesting at all. Downvoted.
I always really enjoy SCPs that work in a just way, and this SCP is exactly that, with the added nobility of elephants and the mysticism of balance. Plus, the innocent D-class was very fresh feeling. Very heartily upvoted.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
