(account deleted) 16 Feb 2013 21:36
Interesting concept, but downvoted due to SCP-XXX still being in there. :T
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(account deleted) 16 Feb 2013 21:36
Very interesting indeed, but a bit of tone errors (such as "ordinary old man".) No vote for me.
The pictures where they are look kinda poorly. Move one of then down the page a bit.
I'm going to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how, I would if I knew, could you point me in the right direction so I can fix this?
You cut the entire image info and paste it down the page. If you have two images right next to each other with no next in between, you end with what you have here.
I just love the imagery of this one. It's very surreal to think of a guy carving dogs out of flesh like an artist carves sculptures out of marble.
I do think the images warp the article format a bit, making the containment procedures stretch out so they look longer than they actually are.
Inside the package is a cube of flesh, usually coated in fur that SCP-1787 uses as a sculpting media.
"Media" is plural. The singular would be "medium". I'd change it myself, but you seem to be editing the article right now. :)
Thanks for that catch. I wasn't sure if it needed to be plural as he uses lots of the same thing, or singular because he works on them individually. Though medium reads better. Thanks.
Well, while I'm in the neighbourhood:
a domesticated dog to it’s master
Should be "its". I should probably also mention that I find the concept intriguing and have upvoted the article.
This is a lot better than 99% of cold-posted first SCPs, and for that, I've upvoted… but still, it could use some extra polish.
For example, the cubes and the resultant organisms could be designated SCP-1787-B and SCP-1787-C, and the man himself as SCP-1787-A.
There are a lot of minor tonal issues that are bugging me and keeping me from voting. Your 'overuse' of 'quotation' marks is one of those issues. May I have permission to go through and fix those?
Giving bearhugs to the unsuspecting since 1872.
Yes. I would greatly appreciate help with any tonal issues you see. A fresh set of eyes with more experience would be very helpful. Thanks.
remarked as being an ‘ordinary old man’
Firstly, you don't need this quotation at all. It isn't necessary. This entire thing isn't necessary.
A typical package contents
Actually label as if it was a photo. As in tell us what the picture is supposed to be. "An Photo of Package XXXX-15's Contents" or something. I don't understand the quoted caption.
larger ‘projects’
You don't need quotations here. It has larger projects. Ok. Then don't have these quotes.
Otherwise they are to be kept in a locked drawer in Dr. Scooter’s office.
Let's not contain items related to specific SCPs in personnel's personal offices. It makes very little sense.
when SCP-1787 ‘whittles’
Remove the quotes, find a better word. At this point it sounds like you're using quotes just to try and have an excuse to use poor tone. Except it doesn't work that way. Perhaps call the packages SCP-XXXX-01 or something, and then say 'when SCP-XXXX undergoes construction event' or something.
treated like a normal dog (as far as physically possible)
This is iffy tone. I would think it should be '…treated as closely to a normal canine as possible until completion' or something.
All of SCP-1787’s creations are to be physically and chemically analysed, before being euthanized, samples to be taken and frozen, and the remains incinerated.
This is a butchered sentence. Maybe better as 'All of SCP-XXXX's creations are to be physically and chemically analyzed before being euthanized. Samples are to be taken and frozen; the remains are to be incinerated.' or something similar.
Packages ranges
Packages range*
and weighs
and weigh*
Inside the package is a cube of flesh, usually coated in fur that SCP-1787 uses as a sculpting medium.
This implies that the fur is used as a sculpting medium. Maybe it would be better to reword to make it clear that the sculpting medium is this flesh-cube. Also 'cube of flesh' is very iffy in my opinion.
DNA testing at this stage identifies it to be canine.
A little iffy tone I think. Maybe better as '…identifies it to be of (canis familiaris or some other thing like that)' or something.
SCP-1787 will use a variety of bladed instruments, such as planes, files, knives and chisels
You do not need the first comma.
This can take, depending on the size of the dog and the ‘quality of the material’, between 6 hours and 5 days.
Well, firstly, those quotes again. Also, 'This can take between 6 hours and 5 days, depending on the size of the dog and reported quality of the material'. This way you remove commas and quotes! Of course, this is my opinion and someone else may have a better suggestion.
to carve out a dog
During this process, SCP-1787 will carve out canine features.
Uhm. If it's carving out a dog, no shit it will carve out canine features. I find the second sentence overly redundant.
‘Finished’ sections of SCP-1787s carvings will become animate
You don't need quotations. If they're finished they're damn finished. They're not finished but only kinda finished, or finished but not really finished in the definition of finishing. If it's finished it's finished in the definition of which we know finished to be.
I.e.
This is not how you use i.e.
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/ie
Refer to the following link to learn what i.e. is used for and what you can replace it with so it makes more sense. The comic will portray better than I can explain.
Who provides the packages and how they are made is unknown.
This is a little iffy tone. Maybe it will be better as 'The source of the packages, as well as the method of creating the original cubes, are still unknown' or something. Maybe.
unable to answer beyond that ‘an old friend’ sends it the materials
Ok. This is the only quote that is remotely bearable to me. But just barely. You may want to edit appropriately.
Overall, interesting concept but there are tone and sentence and grammar issues.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
Interesting, but, as other have said before me, the tonal issues have kept me from upvoting.
I really like this. There were a few problems though. The worst was a self insert in the Containment Procedures, but I was willing to ignore that and upvoted based on the rest of the article. I do have to say this, though, You should not coldpost. Run it by chat first or the forums. Anyways, great job.
/forum/t-625340/scp-1787#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
