Hello! New SCP, please read and review, but not until I get the picture up.
SCP-1432 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-1432.
This definitely has some errors such as a leftover SCP-##, weird expungement, and improper interview formatting, but I liked the core concept enough that I upvoted. It totally has nothing to do with the fact that this is basically what I thought about when I was a little kid 24/7
Thanks for catching the ##- I thought I got all of them. Could you elaborate on the improper interview format and weird expungement?
I fixed it for ya. You didn't space it out correctly or use the dialog boxes, as were given in the template in "How to Write an SCP."
As for the expungement, you seem to expunge weird things (which could be partially in part to my headcanon of ████=just that, [REDACTED]=kept out of that particular copy, [DATA EXPUNGED]=Completely wiped from the record). For example, why is the year expunged? Just secrecy reasons? Granted, all of these aren't necessarily bad expungements, they just strike me personally as odd.
You use a ton of [DATA EXPUNGED] where you could (and I believe should) have blackboxes- dates, names, that sort of thing- and "DVD's" should be DVDs and I can't stand that.
Also, although I like the effect, it feels like the cause is just creeeepy doll + creeeepy movie so spooky. And I don't think most police reports would include "Also the suspect watched a DVD the other day."
Edit: Tweaks and general use of feedback get a +1.
What's the wiki code for the black box? I couldn't get that to work when writing. I'll change the DVDs thing as soon as I can.
Good picture, good trigger, good effect, I like it, upvoted.
Changing [DATA EXPUNGED] to ███████ would improve readability. And maybe placing the whole interview into a blockquote too.
Most of the interview reads appropriately for a 12-year old, but some phrases strike me as a bit off: "I mean, it was obvious, how could I not have seen it sooner?", "all part of someone’s messed up game.", "They’re so fucking clever.".
I think this has some definite potential for creep, but the way it actually goes about the effect is kinda boring. If you could make the bit where they try to find the dolls and kill people more interesting, I'd upvote. Also, the interview didn't do anything for me, it has pretty bad dialog/expungement and doesn't really add to the article overall.
Also, here are the blackbox characters:████
Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!
I actually kinda like this. +1… Although, there are a few minor discrepancies with the format, and one thing that really stands out (to me) in the containment procedures.
Recovered instances of SCP-1432 are to be placed in a cabinet in the containment chamber
Just a cabinet? Not something like a lock box or something? Or maybe you meant a filing cabinet. I’d specify that. Also Researcher [DATA EXPUNGED] should be something like Researcher █████. Nice Job! :3
E: Oh. Wow. Four people before me said almost exactly what I just said while typing this. O_0
This isn't terrible, but there are some issues with this that keep me from upvoting.
Police station communications are to be monitored for murders involving an unusual DVD.
Is this something that would normally be reported or even noted? I don't really see how the DVD would factor in to anything the police were doing.
any individual affected by SCP-1432 is to be reclassified as a D-class personnel and placed in solitary confinement
Being made a D-Class is something that isn't generally looked upon in a favorable light anymore, I feel like just saying they're to be isolated would be enough
SCP-##
Might want to fix that.
generic DVD’s
Generic seems like an odd word choice to me, but it isn't really incorrect
and breaks her neck
You had a really nice buildup, explaining the creepy size changing doll chasing the woman. It was so nice that I think "breaks her neck" is a really lame payoff. Something more anomalous would fit, I think. Maybe even something like "the video cuts to black for approximately 17 seconds, before returning to a *something creepy done to the woman*"
That's just my opinion though, others may feel differently.
This effect has proven immune to all amnesiacs currently in the Foundation’s possession
Seems like weird phrasing to me, but is not technically wrong.
In addition, 73% of subjects will kill at least one other individual.
This is really off-putting to me. How is this measured? Does the Foundation just let affected subjects roam around for a bit and see if they murder anyone? I think it would be better to say that they will attempt violent action against another individual.
a police station in [DATA EXPUNGED], Ohio on 11/5/[DATA EXPUNGED]
You could probably just use plain blackboxing here.
Interviewer: Researcher [DATA EXPUNGED]
Also here.
The interview stuff
Pretty good, no glaring issues, except for;
Researcher [DATA EXPUNGED] subsequently requested and received a Class C Amnesiac.
This is just mostly grating against my own headcanon, but I don't think what happened in the interview was substantial or disturbing enough to shake a Foundation Researcher badly enough to request amnestics.
Overall I think you have potential, fix it up some and I'll likely upvote.
EDIT: Apparently I'm typing super slow today and others beat me to a few of my comments.
Police station communications are to be monitored for murders involving an unusual DVD.
Is this something that would normally be reported or even noted?
I would imagine that some of the murderers would mention the DVD during interrogation.
The interview dialogue is kinda off, but overall I liked it. Good job. +1
/forum/t-623442/scp-1432#post-
page revision: 1, last edited: 02 Apr 2021 15:16
