2014
It's a skip from the future! RUN!
SCP-1273 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-1273.
move about erratically in a way that resembled a marionette
This really, really bothers me. I understand what you're trying to say, but it seems to break tone to me.
However, I can emphasize with the skip here. +1 because I need tissues.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
Well that imagery's just fucking disturbing, ain't it.
if your reading this your gay
Subject violently approached Agent ███████ and attempted to assault her while shouting at the subject4.
4 Subject was noted to say "This is your fault" repeatedly
This made me confused. The word "subject" appears to refer to one person at the beginning of the sentence, and another at the end.
Uh, not quite. You nixed the wrong "the subject".
Subject [SCP-1273-A] violently approached Agent ███████ and attempted to assault her while shouting at the subject [Agent ███████].
Piffy is an SCP Foundation Moderator, Lv. 9001 Squishy Wizard, and Knight of the Red Pen.
This turned out to be more surprising than I anticipated. First, because she wanted to go back into the nightlight, and second because of that incident log. So they're just leaving this ghost girl in the containment area then, hm? A bit terrifying.
What I find most interesting is the implications of the Foundation leaving 1273-A effectively locked in that room, not even being opened for tests. Are they, erm, scared of what it would do? Or, maybe, just maybe, do they feel genuinely bad about what they've done and can't face it due to sheer shame?
They're trying to keep it contained. From what they've seen, the entity is able to kill and control any human (or possibly) living being that comes in contact with it, as well as being able to actually interact with things.
I actually really like the concept behind this.
The only thing that doesn't sit well with me is that it's set in 2014. I'm not a fan of "exposed" dates in SCP articles. Other than that, I don't really have anything else to add.
+1
This seems quite good. Story went in good directions, and I like how the nightlight dimension was actually nice to be in. One nitpick:
The object has been designed to resemble a stylized eastern cottontail rabbit (Sylvilagus floridanus),
Most nightlights I've seen don't have nearly enough detail to pick out an individual species of rabbit. There's an iconic rabbit look that they pretty much all go for. Moreover, the scientific name is utterly irrelevant. This seems to be clincalness for the sake of clinicalness. It doesn't make sense to include this rather than say "a nightlight in the shape of a rabbit".
This started out not great, but I liked the direction it went in, so I ultimately Upvoted. A couple of small notes though:
First, the girl's dialogue does not sound like spoken English, especially that of a modern (post modern?) 16 year old girl. It's too formal. Maybe it could use some modification.
Second, and I've seen this before… Why would the excerpts taken from the researchers notes be taken out mid sentence? This is not a burned piece of paper they recovered, they chose this sentence to put in an official log for containment purposes; they can include the beginning of a sentence.
For the first part, I would argue that the dialogue plausibly fits. Not all 16 year old girls are completely and utterly informal and devoid of respect and sense. She had just been forcibly removed from her quite literal comfort zone and placed in a stark room full of adults in lab coats and such. She's being respectful and fairly reserved because she's intimidated by the whole scene.
As for the second part, I suppose it's more of a stylistic choice than anything else.
Azzle, you're a machine.
resulting in jerky movements similar to that of a manipulated marionette and
You don't need this. If you describe it as having "flung" itself at the door, we can assume that it doesn't have lifelike control without needing you to break tone to convey it.
Speaking of breaking tone; I find it a little odd to be reading through an article and at the end encounter a google ads advertisement. It's especially odd that the text and look of the add fits in with the text of the site itself, so I literally think that this article is asking me to
Join Leading Explorers
A machine? No, I'm simply a writer that ran into an excess of inspiration within the last month.
I would change it, but, you see, even with the borderline tone, the point didn't get quite across. The control she has over the body isn't lifelike; rather, it's something trying to move the body in a way that can be useful to it. It doesn't know/remember how to move the body correctly. It's jerky, rough movements that the body is making.
/forum/t-614135/scp-1273#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
