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I took/created all the images. The audio files are either of my own making or compiled using publications from freesound.org, which are released under Creative Commons licenses that allow their reuse.
CSS based on Dr Aers SCP-4000 template.
Nice job on this +1
Too bad your account got deleted so you're probably never going to get this.
The sounds here are pretty cool but I feel that most of this article is just filler as you build up to the part where things get interesting (the image of the girl) and then it just stops. Also, this could have definitely used another editing pass as you've got a lot of weird word choices and grammar hiccups through the article.
Ok which choices/hiccups did you have in mind?
Just after another quick skim:
- The second paragraph of the description explicitly stating what is objective and what is subjective is a weird choice and largely unnecessary. The language itself should be able to carry that without explicitly stating it.
- The last paragraph of the description is all medical jargon that no one besides cardiologists could reasonably be expected to understand. I literally have no idea what its trying to communicate.
- The entire paragraph following the ghost-girl image at the end is choppy and weirdly worded, and reads like the whole thing was rewritten a coupe of times to make the paragraph longer.
These are just the ones I caught again with a quick skim over the article.
Ok I appreciate the critiques, and have changed what I think you are right about.
In defense of what I didn't change: I respect that this isn't a medical community, but let me be somewhat immersive with respect to the Foundation's medical department. For example, objective vs subjective assessment is an essential component of any medical condition. I get what you're saying about it being a superfluous literary crutch, and otherwise, I would agree. I understand that I am fairly alone in my belief for this community that we should be sprinkling bits of specialty in with the articles for educational purposes, but I'm willing to take downvotes for that.
I loved the idea, the unique style, and the terrific multimedia supplements of this piece. But I wanted to reply to this comment specifically to voice my full-throated support for all efforts to enrich SCPs with technical knowledge. Educational benefits aside, it makes articles feel so much more real and interesting.
(… However, in terms of conveying technical realism through terminology, you may want to turn the dial down a little for your next one! I mean, I'm a scientific researcher in a biological field for my dang job, and you were still losing me from time to time with the density of jargon.)
Wanted to second the above sentiment, both re: More technical knowledge in our docs, and re: Turn the dial down just a notch.
There's a very thin line between "this reads just like a medical paper! :D" and "this reads just like a medical paper :/".
I think this article definitely falls into the former category rather than the latter — but it's also riding right up against that edge.
I think Buttfranklin and The Great Hippo have a point. There are some places where the use of highly technical terminology goes far enough it may unnecessarily obscure what the author is trying to communicate. It would work better using language that is more similar that used teaching med students or discussing what is being done with someone from a very different medical speciality while on consults. For example, instead of:
"SCP-3349 is non-curable and is refractory to defibrillation at 200, 300, and 360 Joules"
how about:
"Once established in a patient, SCP-3349 recurrence cannot be eliminated, nor can the active arrhythmia be normalized by electrical defibrillation."
This means the same thing, and while still technically accurate, uses more general terms. Most people are going to understand that normalized means made normal and they are going to understand you are trying to do this by shocking their heart. And they will get the idea it doesn't work.
Ironically, the author is already trying to make it easier to understand in the original. The correct term would be cardioversion not defibrillation (defibrillation implies life threatening arrhythmia….. IIRC I'm a shrink not a cardiologist!). But people who aren't clinicians aren't going to know WTF cardioversion is but they will know defibrillation. In any case, I think it is often possible to modify language such that by using a few extra words we are still communicating with technical accuracy but understood by more people.
One place I firmly agree with the author is on the separation of subjective and objective data. This is a cornerstone of medical communication and inherent in clinical tone as applied to medicine. There is a reason the standard progress note format is called a SOAP note: Subjective, Objective, Assessment, and Plan. Heard of symptoms and signs? Wondered what's the difference? Symptoms are subjective, signs are objective. Subjective is what the patient reports, objective is what you observe. The two types of data are that fundamental in medical practice and communication. Failing to employ this division would be tantamount to failing to use clinical tone.
While I might phrase a few things differently, this is nicely done +1
I enjoyed the article but I'm really confused of to why this is keter. It seems relatively easy to contain and it doesn't seem dangerous to me.
From the Drafts & Critiques board:
I'd actually probably make this Keter, since there's no way to prevent this from happening out in the world by accident, and there's no way the Foundation can figure out what the cause is.
-Zyn
I didn't really question it because I'm very excited about doing a Keter.
I think this is marvelously creepy, and your knack for technical writing really helps sell this. The audio files are A++, too. You really seem to have your own unique approach to things, and I'm excited to see more from you in the future.
I’m in absolute love with this, the only real problem I have is the censoring of the word “shit” but otherwise this is solid and I love it.
pastarasta1 is quick-talking and often scheming
This is the coolest SCP I've seen in a while. I love the audio. +1
(account deleted)
