SCP-1430 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-1430.

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JaneRand 09 Dec 2012 09:02

I kinda like it, but the language is a little bit rough in ways I can't quite put a finger on. I'm sure more experienced people will help you feex it :)
Also, ratin' module, where art thou [added rating module ]

P.S.:
Don't tag your own skips. McKenzie here is the tag deity, leave it to her

Last edited on 09 Dec 2012 09:05 by JaneRand Show more

Dr_Gain 09 Dec 2012 09:27

Pulled the tags. Seems to me like tag etiquette isn't clearly laid out in the Guide to Newbies? Whatever, won't be making that mistake again.

Thanks for adding the rating module; I knew I was forgetting something. Hopefully also won't make that mistake again either.

Drewbear 09 Dec 2012 19:07

Grrr… The advice to "don't tag your own" is only half-true. Don't tag your own if you're not sure which ones are applicable. Read the Tag Guide if you want to see acceptable ones, and don't make up your own.

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Giving bearhugs to the unsuspecting since 1872.

Bunton 09 Dec 2012 19:29

I believe it is poor form to just tag pages as scp and the Object Class. If it's untagged, Mack and whoever else can find it using Nala, but articles with non-extensive tags slip in under the radar. I believe so, at least.

Last edited on 09 Dec 2012 19:30 by Bunton Show more

Salman Corbette 09 Dec 2012 19:51

Maybe we should have a tag that calls for Mack or equivalent to come and review an SCP's tags if a user is unsure about them.

wishun 10 Dec 2012 16:29

"tagme" maybe?

marslifeform 09 Dec 2012 09:05

Boyo, you didn't include the rating module, your formatting is shit, your containment procedures are odd and it's three A.M. in the fuckin' morning. -1 for right now. I might look over it again tomorrow and do a line-by-line. Goodnight.

Also, TAGS. ARE. INCORRECT.

Communism will win 09 Dec 2012 09:31

You know, I kind of like the idea. What really kills this for me is the writing¹:

• Lots of informal quotations in place of a clinical explanation of what it does.
  • One subject described rotating SCP-1430 as “like swinging a baseball bat underwater”.
  • to roughly the intensity “of a dim flashlight”
  • though with a stilted, “unpracticed” or “unnatural” voice
  • but instead attempts to “speak”
  • Subject occasionally coughs mid “word” to spit up blood.
• Some difficulties with sentence structure.²
  • Adorning the top is the seal of the University of ████████, the original location of the object's retrieval, the figure of a adult male breaking away from chains, presumably the “bonds of ignorance” described in an associated recovered document, as well as a woman holding a [REDACTED] emits faint visible light when in low light conditions, or exposed to certain chelating agents.
  • However, after three hours and forty seven minutes, subject’s narrative takes an unexpected turn, no longer instructing listeners to seek guidance, but instead insisting on self-mutilation, or other violent punishments for increasingly mundane “sins”, differing greatly from standard Methodist doctrine.
• Unnecessary sentences that clutter up the piece from a literary standpoint. Less is more.
  • The entire second paragraph.
  • The light at the tip of it. Blatant literary device, no obvious point from an in-universe standpoint.
  • Chosen topics of speech have included abstract mathematics, molecular biology, “jerry-rigging”, military tactics, the construction and use of shanks, religious studies, and “gettin’ them █████ ███ ████”. This effect extends to subjects who would normally not choose to speak publicly, including self described introverts, and after sufficient exposure even psychologically traumatized subjects who, under normal circumstances would be effectively mute, will speak (though with a stilted, “unpracticed” or “unnatural” voice).³
• Bad formatting that, to an experienced reader, is grating. We have a template on the How to Write an SCP page, and plenty of articles to look to for examples.
  • Object #:
  • Special containment procedures:
  • Object Description:
  • No spacing in the collapsed logs.
• Misuse of 'however'. Incorrect: "X, however Y". Correct: "X; however, Y". That always grinds my goat.

And, uh, are those boxes blacking out "bitch ass hoes"? :I

Anyways, -1. I'm not entirely sure what to think, because although you did a lot (really, a lot) of things wrong that would normally point to sloppy writing and low effort, your attention to detail at some points was refreshing, and clearly you have lots of imagination and put lots of work into this. Keep practicing, I'm sure we'll get something good out of you some day.

Footnotes

1. This is not a comprehensive list.

2. Each sentence gets one idea, and one paragraph gets a related set of ideas. Each sentence has to flow logically to the next, and the paragraphs should be arranged to form the most logical structure for the piece.

3. You could simply cut these lines and change "held by a subject" to "held by any subject" and remove whole sentences that add nothing to your piece.

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if your reading this your gay

Dr_Gain 09 Dec 2012 10:04

Ok wow, this is awesome.

The second paragraph of the article, and the details with the light, etc. was actually what I originally wrote as the starting idea. I was this close to cutting it before I submitted, and I think now I've got no problems with dropping it for good.

Informal quotations were something I was a little unsure about as I was writing, but if the group consensus is that they're inappropriate, I can easily change those out.

I think that formatting, if I were to be so bold as to submit self-criticism, is my biggest problem. I anticipate spending much time reading and re-reading the formatting page in the near future.

And… I don't really remember what those boxes were blanking out. I'm sure it was something obscene, though.

Anyway, thanks a bunch for the input. A second draft of this, I think, will solve a whole bunch stuff that's kind of frustratingly obvious in hindsight.

Smapti 09 Dec 2012 10:02

I like it.

Rioghail 09 Dec 2012 10:10

It being 9 a.m. in the morning for me, I'll see what I can do about a line-by-line critique.

+ Critique

Special containment procedures: SCP-1430 is to be stored in a security code locked, upright, opaque container that allows no rotational movement of any kind. Presently held in Sector 28.

Formatting is off here (no capitalisation on the heading) and this is criminally short. There are loads of other things you need to mention, based on the article itself. I'll point them out as I go through.

a ceremonial mace resembling a staff

I have know idea why this needs to be written like this. Just say a ceremonial mace or a staff.

115.57 cm (45.5 in)

Don't use imperial measurements in articles, even if you're sneakily hiding them in parentheses. As somebody else said, the Foundation writes in Standard Index figures, and they shouldn't need to add an aside saying how much the object weighs in apples.

and weighing anywhere between 1.3 and 3.2 kg (the weight of SCP-1430 is believed to fluctuate as a byproduct of its unique properties. The weights listed are the highest and lowest recorded, but mathematical models suggest they may have a range from 340 grams to 6.1 kg)

This could be structured better to removed the awkward parenthesis.

as well as a woman holding a [REDACTED]

This is a very silly piece of expungement. When I saw this, this is how I imagine the archival for this item going:

Transcript of initial item appraisal for SCP-1430, performed by Dr. J. Williams and Research Assistant K. Epps.

<Begin Transcript>

(1 Minute and 19 seconds redacted for brevity)

"Doctor Williams, what's that she's holding? The woman in the carving?"

"Well Kenneth, it looks like… oh God."

"Sir?"

"Good God, Kenneth, I can't believe it! She's… she's holding a [REDACTED]!"

"Jesus Christ! I think I'm going to be… (sound of vomiting Research Assistant Epps vomiting)"

"I.. I… No-one can ever know the truth. It's too much, they couldn't handle it. No one else can ever know. It's too dangerous."

"What are you saying, Doctor?"

"Expunge everything related to it, remove it from the record. We can't even risk other personnel finding it out. It's too much."

"Ugh…"

"I need to go home and take a shower. Testing adjourned. Fucking hell."

<End Transcript>

Hopefully that should demonstrate why this expungement is really silly.

from virtually unnoticeable unless in little to no light, to roughly the intensity “of a dim flashlight”.

That is not a scientific way to describe the phenomenon. I'll go back to the 'we don't measure mass in apples' metaphor as an explanation of why this isn't a good description.

At this point, it is still safe to remove SCP-1430 from the subject without permanent psychological damage

I'd personally assume, given that it was not mentioned anywhere previously, that it is still okay to remove the item. Putting this in is redundant to what comes immediately after this, and reads oddly.

At this point, separating SCP-1430 from the subject will cause permanent psychological and neurological damage.

You should probably address this in the containment procedures, i.e. "SCP-1430 should not be handled by personnel for more than 3 hours at a time."

Notes: 1430 seems to override self-censorship. I suggest we don’t allow it to come in contact with anyone privy to knowledge that might be considered sensitive. -Dr. ████

That sounds like something that should be mentioned in the containment procedures.

That’s it, from now on we’re only allowing D-classes for experiments

Again, should be in the containment procedures.

“cons”

Pointless scare quotes. If at any point you feel the need to put something into scare quotes, it's my opinion that you should ask yourself whether you are recording the testimony of a person, or just trying to make up for it sounding non-clinical. If you are trying to make for it sounding non-clinical, see if you can think of a way to say it clinically (like 'scam' for example, seeing as you used that one a lot).

Notes: Following the incidents of test 1430-17, testing on SCP-1430 has been halted by site command.

Again, should be mentioned in the containment procedures.

Despite that, I'd say you have got much better writing style than I would expect from someone committing these sorts of errors, and that you've got a good idea here. This article is largely good, but there are certainly some things that need to be fixed up.

Last edited on 09 Dec 2012 10:13 by Rioghail Show more

Dr_Gain 09 Dec 2012 10:28

Sweet! Thanks. Like I said in response to Scantron, I've already pulled a lot of the junk info and the nonscientific phrases for a second draft.
The info about the containment procedure is super helpful. I'll be sure to revise it.

As for "a ceremonial mace resembling a staff", I guess I included that because technically a ceremonial mace and a staff are different things, but in retrospect yeah, it does look pretty ugly. I'll drop it.

Trust 09 Dec 2012 11:10

I feel like doctor notes on the test logs have fallen out of favor, flavor-wise.

Everyone else with much more experience and writing skill have given good style tips.
Trimming and editing out fluff statements is a good habit because it makes the embellishments that you choose to retain stand out.

Dr_Gain 09 Dec 2012 11:44

Oh man, it's way too late for me to be doing this but:
I fixed up a lot of the things that seemed to be big glaring issues with sentence structure and cut the whole thing down a bunch, and (hopefully) fixed up all the formatting problems.
Thanks for all the input, folks. I 'preciate it a bunch.

GatAndrew 09 Dec 2012 12:54

I mostly like it, but the ending seemed…meh. I like the whole thing enough to upvote, but it's not the best, really.

Rejekyll 09 Dec 2012 14:52

Hm. On one hand, the execution needs work and the ending was predictable, but on the other hand, it's interesting. Tentative upvote.

Eskobar 09 Dec 2012 14:53

I actually kind of like this. My main issue is the completely unnecessary use of redactions through the article; none of your expungements particularly need to be there, and just break up the narrative.

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