I would heavily advise you to un-upvote yourself. That's gonna cause problems.
As is, this isn't terribly interesting, it's a humanoid what sees DA FUTURE! Downvote for both reasons.
SCP-552 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-552.
I personally found it interesting, and the increasing displacement between its perceptions and its reality was a nice touch. Upvoted, in spite of being a humanoid who sees the future.
if your reading this your gay
My list will be updated as I read.
SCPs or transported through any populated area.
Areas.
The subject’s sensory systems display an anomalous temporal distortion:
The phrase "sensory system" sounds rather awkward.
SCP-552 has requested the Foundation stop creating paradoxes in this manner, as they cause it severe migraines.
So do paradoxes give the Foundation migraines?
it will experience temporary amnesia
Again, correct me if I wrong. I think that temporary amnesia means you forget things shortly, not for get a short amount of things.
Its physical form resides firmly in the present, and can be interacted with normally, though its reactions to any interaction will have already occurred.
Not quite sure what you are saying here. You might want to revise this to make it more clear.
SCP-552’s temporal
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe you use 's directly on an SCP title. For example The subject's condition is better than SCP-xxx's condition.
Nonetheless,
Doesn't seem clinical.
SCP-552’s premature reactions to alarms have proven a reliable forewarning of containment breaches, enabling a heightened level of readiness and minimized loss of life.
It's been pretty good up to this point; however, this makes the guy seem overly useful.
"Dr. ██████"
Why is this in quotations?
It then fell over, stiffened, and continued making incoherent cries.
"Fell over" is not clinical. Perhaps 'collapsed" would be better?
It repeatedly insisted that it was fine, and to get away from it. It then fell over, stiffened, and continued making incoherent cries. Communication proved impossible: though analysis of the subject’s physical condition revealed no changes, it remained incapable of anything more coherent than grunts and moans, and either cannot or will not move its limbs from a stiffened position.
You contradict yourself here. You said that it repeatedly said it was fine. That implies that the doctors were asking if he was alright, Yet in the next sentence you said "communication was impossible". Which is it?
revealed no changes, it
"Changes. It" You had a comma where a period should be.
It has remained in some variation of this state ever since.
Since when? Since the thrashing thing? Also is he in this condition permanently? Because if he did, he would not be able to communicate.
unstiffened
My god, is this bad tone. It's not even a word.
scrape off its own flesh without any kind of pause, including pauses for necessary functions such as eating or sleeping.
Bad tone and awkwardly worded.
“stiff phase”
No, just no. It breaks tone. Find another more clinical phrase.
It is unknown what experience its sudden pain and impulse towards self-harm is reflective of
Try switching things around so it's more comprehensible. Maybe it should be more like "It is unknown what experience is reflective of its sudden pain and impulse towards self-harm".
Overall, not bad for a first try. A few errors but nothing disastrous. It is decent but not worth an upvote.
Sensory systems are a thing, sorry if they sound weird. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_system
Thanks for the notes, I'll go back through it once everyone's given their thoughts.
resides firmly in the present
Meh tone, you don't need 'firmly' here, you already establish that this is only by the scp's senses, I have no idea why you would then go on to say 'his body still remains in the present'. I'm pretty sure that the first statement implies the second. If it didn't, he'd be a time traveler.
Addendum 552-1:
You see, I don't understand here. Was it made to add ~mystery~? Was it raped or something?
Addendum 552-2
Ditto here. Also the whole 'scraping off your own skin without pause to sleep' would kind of make the scp dead so I'm quite confused here.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
Addendum 1 is 552's reaction to the Foundation putting him in a straightjacket after the events of Addendum 2. They don't know what he's experiencing during Addendum 2, but two guesses referenced in the article are that a. the Foundation's going to have a containment whoopsie and get him caught up in some horrible anomalous event or b. he's going to die in a few years and the afterlife really really sucks. Also, he's only scraping his skin off from his own perspective; he survives since the straightjacket prevents him from actually doing it. Hope that helps!
Oh, okay.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
There are a couple of tone/usage issues here, but I enjoyed reading this and sometimes, that's all it takes. +1
Oh, I like this one quite a lot! And the footnote rounds it out beautifully. Upboated.
However, how exactly does a normal (if time-displaced) human not eat or sleep? That needs clarification, because at the moment it just seems silly.
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page revision: 1, last edited: 02 Apr 2021 15:16
