Carroll #332: The Snitch Dungeons / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Carroll #332: The Snitch Dungeons.

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ObserverSeptember 25 Apr 2018 06:34

"Yeah, well, I'll go build my own GoI Format, with blackjack and hookers! In fact, forget the GoI Format!"

Since I've never done a Format before, I figured I'd go big or go home and make one of my own. The Spirit needs one now that it's an official GoI, and hopefully the general aesthetic and feel of this is pleasing enough to be standard.

Image sources: 1, 2, 3. All are in the public domain in the USA due to copyright expiration (pre-1923).

MaliceAforethought 25 Apr 2018 06:45

Chilling stuff, and definitely a good addition to the Chicago Spirit and scipverse as a whole. Upvote with gusto.

TL333s 25 Apr 2018 13:09

Never thought I'd see a GoI format for these guys, but that worked out pretty well!

pastarasta1 26 Apr 2018 17:22

I’m really liking this GOI honestly.

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pastarasta1 is quick-talking and often scheming

Decibelles 26 Apr 2018 20:34

The dialog just reads too much like movie monologing and less like documentation. Still it's not bad so I won't downvote, but I think if it read more like documentation then I'd be okay with it.

ObserverSeptember 26 Apr 2018 21:23

Fair enough. FWIW I wanted to give C-Spirit formats more of a narrative feel, since SCP-2680 and others rely on that sort of writing and my previous SCP-3855 was a bit too tonally detached compared to other Spirit skips. I imagine a crime syndicate writing about anomalies in a more personal way, especially given the subject matter of this one.

TheOldOre 29 Apr 2018 00:38

10/10! Would suggest this to be the official goi-format.

A Random Day 29 Apr 2018 01:17

I'm not too certain that the Spirit would have a "How We Made It" section in their formats. I would expect the format to be more utilitarian - only explaining what it is, when and how to use it, and how not to kill yourself in the process. I'm willing to excuse the Note from the Desk of Richard Chappell, but the rest is too exposition-heavy for my liking.

ObserverSeptember 29 Apr 2018 01:36

Sorry you didn't like it. Hopefully someone else can find success with this format or another one.

The Great Hippo 29 Apr 2018 02:12

We started outsourcing.

There's several issues I have with this piece; this line's just one of them. What you're trying to do is really hard, so I can't fault you for trying (if anything, I like the fact that you just went for it like this; that's one reason I'm not down-voting).

On the other hand, a Chicago gang-member using a term like "outsourcing"? In 1931? This is what makes a document like this so challenging: You need to make it both historically sensible (it needs to look like something a 1931 anomalous criminal organization would produce) while also being compelling on its own.

This is a huge challenge, and something I would expect requires a lot of research to get "right". As an example of something I think does this just right: A History of Reaction, by TyGently.

Last edited on 29 Apr 2018 02:12 by The Great Hippo Show more

ObserverSeptember 29 Apr 2018 02:20

Would "hiring out" work better? Any other phrasings that stick out to you as particularly egregious?

The Great Hippo 29 Apr 2018 02:35

Hiring out definitely works better, yes!

Any other phrasings that stick out to you as particularly egregious?

Well, uh… ha! Now that you mention it…

World War I

This document is from 1932, so, in the words of David Mitchell, it would be the act of an "incredible pessimist" to call the Great War "World War One"… xD

I can try to do a comb-over of this at some point tonight if you'd like, but it's not just the lexicographical issues. It's the tone and presentation — it doesn't sound like something I'd expect a criminal to produce. Where's the alternate spellings? The street grammar? What form did this document exist in — why does it include photographs? Did this person actually go through the trouble of taking photographs in 1932, then label them, and insert them into this note for others to see? Etc.

Sorry if this is coming off as a bit harsh. A document like this is a huge challenge; I appreciate that you just went for it, but I also don't think this really 'recreates' the historical period to which it's supposed to belong.

ObserverSeptember 29 Apr 2018 02:42

It's fine. In retrospect, this could've used more polish.

I've made a minor change to the beginning that will hopefully justify the tone and presentation, but otherwise it's probably not gonna get an upvote from ya as is. I'll try harder next time. ;)

ObserverSeptember 14 May 2018 16:31

Thanks to PeppersGhost for giving this a Spiritified facelift :D

Jakuwoski 23 May 2019 01:28

Throw the snitches into the bay? That's too fast, better send them to the dungeons.

+1

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