Hiring out definitely works better, yes!
Any other phrasings that stick out to you as particularly egregious?
Well, uh… ha! Now that you mention it…
World War I
This document is from 1932, so, in the words of David Mitchell, it would be the act of an "incredible pessimist" to call the Great War "World War One"… xD
I can try to do a comb-over of this at some point tonight if you'd like, but it's not just the lexicographical issues. It's the tone and presentation — it doesn't sound like something I'd expect a criminal to produce. Where's the alternate spellings? The street grammar? What form did this document exist in — why does it include photographs? Did this person actually go through the trouble of taking photographs in 1932, then label them, and insert them into this note for others to see? Etc.
Sorry if this is coming off as a bit harsh. A document like this is a huge challenge; I appreciate that you just went for it, but I also don't think this really 'recreates' the historical period to which it's supposed to belong.