SCP-1267 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-1267.

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coil780 06 Oct 2012 04:45

Hello! I'm pretty happy with how this turned out, but do have two unresolved concerns I'll put right out in front in the hopes of feedback from more experienced authors.
1) It feels a little long. I'd be happy to shorten it but I'm not sure where.
2) I'm torn on whether to include a photo, and if so, what. Two options in my mind are <picture of SCP-1267> (boring) or a picture of the aftermath of a metamorphosis (too unnecessarily gory?).

Thanks!

Aelanna 06 Oct 2012 04:56

• "Class-2" and "Class-4" are inconsistent with Foundation personnel classification. The containment procedures are also entirely too long.
• Even in peer-reviewed scientific journals, you will see the common name of an animal in parentheses after the scientific name. I shouldn't have to Google Latin just to know you're talking about an antelope.
• The Description is so choked full of technobabble and unnecessarily complicated language that I have absolutely no idea what your SCP does.
• The collapsibles are extremely annoying. The article isn't long enough to merit them and they are fantastically annoying to a reader since clicking on them breaks your reading flow.

You have been around chat long enough to know that you should have sandboxed this and gotten feedback beforehand. Downvoted.

coil780 06 Oct 2012 05:03

Thanks for the feedback; I've tweaked a few things.
- got rid of all but one collapsible
- ditched the latin
- simplified some of the description
- staff are now Level 2 & 4

Unfortunately, chat wasn't very responsive to my requests for feedback while it was still in sandbox.

Last edited on 06 Oct 2012 05:04 by coil780 Show more

azzleflux 06 Oct 2012 05:04

1. I know there's no canon, but, ah, I…cannot say that I have ever seen the term "O4" before. It's not really a clearance level (as far as I know), as O5 simply means Overseer.
2. Where the hell did that apparently human child come from?

SwamplessThing 06 Oct 2012 05:05

…

coil780 06 Oct 2012 05:06

O4 changed to Level 4.

Mister Doe 06 Oct 2012 17:28

It was a previous instance of SCP-1267. Maybe even right before it became an antelope.

azzleflux 06 Oct 2012 17:41

I now realize this. It was late when I first read this, and this was before the author made several revisions. Upon initial reading, I mistakenly thought that this SCP was just an antelope that made more antelope that made more antelope, which is why I reacted the way I did. I now know better.

Requitefahrenheit 06 Oct 2012 05:07

Im up-voting this on faith because of the under-current of horror. I think you should address the question of where the human offspring came from, but I like the potential for this idea very much

coil780 06 Oct 2012 05:14

I didn't want to just come out and say it (regarding the child). I could change it to "It'll rip her in half when it comes out."

SwamplessThing 06 Oct 2012 05:17

I'm guessing that the human child was a previous metamorphosis of SCP-1267, before it was the antelope, perhaps the antelope was the next metamorphosis.

a bit of clarification would fix it

azzleflux 06 Oct 2012 05:20

All that part needs is clarification, really. I mean, I did notice that the manifestation within the SCP was mammilian, but I mean, it's an antelope. Without anything poining out the possibility that it could create a human,it just comes (almost) too suddenly.

SwamplessThing 06 Oct 2012 05:23

If a person misses the point the humans are mammalian……

really, the first thing i thought of was 'okay, where is the human thing going to…. oh there it is'

but i can see how it a little unclear

azzleflux 06 Oct 2012 05:37

I like the changes. Downvote changed to upvote.

(account deleted) 06 Oct 2012 05:37

Hmm, when you showed me the original draft, I wasn't sure how soon you were gonna post this (sometimes just taking the leap is the fastest way to learn, though)— so I'll reiterate that it definitely needs more of a stylistic/grammar razor. Just take it sentence by sentence and simplify. It's far from incomprehensible, but it is definitely murky.

The final addendum is iffy, too, dialogue-wise… although I don't see why the collapsible formatting is a problem.

Issues aside, though, I do really like the cyclical zoological horror of this concept (even without the slightly sensational ending).

Edit: aaand some of those edits already make a significant difference.

Last edited on 06 Oct 2012 05:42 by (account deleted) Show more

ensimismada 06 Oct 2012 05:39

I liked the idea of metamorphosis in a group of organisms that generally don't undergo metamorphosis. I liked the visceral and somewhat gory cycle, especially the cannabalistic touch.

But it was the interview that sealed the deal. I don't think it needs any clarification at all; the sweet horror at realizing what "we all knew it could happen, eventually" means was excellent. And that she remembers? And that it's a pronghorn now so that means the Foundation probably did nothing to help her when she was literally being torn apart from the inside? Just the right amount of detail there and each bit keeps adding.

Overall it is a tad long. I liked the bit about moving to an oceanic facility, but some of the other containment details could be omitted or condensed - the observation walkway and some of the detail about the vets, for example.

Lexagon 06 Oct 2012 06:10

I was initially going to downvote because I don't understand how she'd be able to communicate the fact that she remembers all the previous transformations unless she was "born" able to speak English, which wouldn't make any sense. Then it occurred to me that what's really horrifying here is not that she's going to be ripped apart by whatever hatches from her, but that she knows it's going to happen.

Dear god.

+1

coil780 06 Oct 2012 07:28

Thanks for pointing that out. I tweaked the interview slightly.

Lexagon 06 Oct 2012 14:55

You're quite welcome. That fixed it (for me, anyway).

Of course, now the part of my brain that likes to keep me up at night is trying to imagine what a 12-year-old girl trapped in a horrorshow existence like that might draw…

SoullessSingularity 06 Oct 2012 10:11

Only the final bit saved you from a downvote from me. The rest was uninteresting at best. I do like people being sad by someone getting their guts ripped open.

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Living the dream, or dreaming the life?

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