The investment banking elements are well written, but drag a bit for the first chapter or so. Still, as the intrigue picks up it makes the wait well worth it. Upvote, and moving on to the next act…
Acquisitions - a Marshall, Carter & Dark Tale Act I / Discussion
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Nah, this doesn't drag at all. What's there is interesting, and what's more, while I can't judge it professionally, as someone who has no idea about investment banking, I chomp it down along with the fishing rod. The rest of the things, they help to estabilish the characters present.. besides, this *is* the right pace for me - there's a lot of writing or movies which I feel move a little too fast.
Agreed, wholeheartedly. This seems to me, as someone who knows nothing about the subject matter, to be very well written. At this pace, I can really get into it and the MC&D stuff seems a perfect fit for this character and his world.
Thoroughly enjoyed this. Authentic and well written. Upvoted, moving to the next Act.
Fantastic. I love how you've managed to not only establish character for all the main players, but also succeeded in making a relatively boring (but necessary) part of the story interesting.
Congratulations, and +1.
Firstly
" "I thought you might have been coming by to give me flowers," she said, "I don't like that. David always brings me flowers and I watch them die. Being uprooted like that; it's too cruel." *David* wondered if she was thinking of her own childhood, brought to Britain at the age of seven if the research he'd done last night on the family was correct. "
Pretty sure David should be Edward but don't dare touch this myself.
Secondly write a novel please. And tell me what it is so I can buy it. Please?
In some parts of this I forgot that I was reading a SCP tale and not a novel about investment banking… +1…and hey the New Year just started. Yay.
Okay, comments as I go through.
Chapter 1:
- So far it's a touch flat in places, but engaging and interesting overall. I am intrigued by Edward — the will works well to establish that. Peter and Edward are also good characters.
- There's a lot of excess wordage and stating the obvious in here. Some of it's part of the style, but there's a not-insignificant percentage of material in here that doesn't serve a purpose in terms of furthering plot, showing character, or entertaining the reader, and therefore should be cut. Most of it's pretty good, though.
- The orange jellybean scene was neat.
- I like the following scene with the man from the parking lot too — a touch predictable, but good payoff.
- Edward's motives are a touch pat, and it stands out more with the over-explaining. Not sure how much here is necessary.
- Regarding Peter's shitty trades — Edward should at least have the thought that this is another complicated test of his competency. I don't know yet if that's what it is, and Edward doesn't need to believe that if the point is that he's arrogant, but he needs to have that thought in passing, anyway. [Update from end of the chapter — looks like it's not what that is, but hey.]
- I like this conversation in general, feels believable. Also, we've finally reached MC&D — cool.
Chapter 2:
- The Peter thing is still really odd. If he sucks so much… yet still got hired… Eh, I dunno. It didn't play out badly, it's the premise that's weird. If the reader's meant to think it's weird, Edward should probably have the thought, and if not, it's an issue, but not a huge one.
- It's also off that Edward just forgets the plans that David made for the night. It makes for a compelling image, but I don't believe it.
- Edward shouldn't be 'floored' by finding out the family name — he's already seen that the party is full of Big-Time Names. Or if he still is, he should have a thought about it.
- I'm amused by his reaction to Maria's hand.
- Edward's speech about leisure is too much of a wall of text — it feels too 'written', not like a response to dialogue. The start and finish are good, but most of the middle should be cut out.
- The follow-up dialogue, though, is good.
- The catalogue containing anomalous items had better have been left there either as a massive error or on purpose to gauge reactions. Otherwise I don't believe it. [This doesn't apply to the entertainment act, though, which I fully believe would be written off as non-anomalous.]
- The post-party stuff is another area where it should be cut down. The entire party is a scene where I paid rapt attention overall (minus a few unnecessary details), but the post-party exposition is skimming central.
- "fortunately, CD's tech team were slow movers and Peter David's account remained on the system" > I'm particularly confused by this, especially given that it appears the names of two previous characters have now merged together, which is terrible. XD
- The content of this, though, is good. The favor stuff is believable, as is what drove Edward into that position, even if some [not all] of the details are sort of lost.
Chapter 3:
- I'd have thought I'd hate the IRC conversation, but I don't. I like it a lot, in fact.
- It's a touch odd that he can just ask to get an arrangement with MC&D and they just do it. I'm willing to go with it, but I wish they'd commented on his brass on doing that after just one party.
- Jeremy has good dialogue. I like the fetch-it quest he's been assigned. Another place where the sheer weight of great detail in this story really stands out.
- ""Oh." He watched her gardening for a few minutes." > Really? They don't exchange more pleasantries? Ehhh. Otherwise this is a good scene so far.
- I really like how the scene plays out and the result of it. It's less predictable.
- Why didn't he just steal the book? It honestly seems like it would've been easy. I also don't really get why they don't sell him the book — it feels somewhat contrived. Note — this is the right choice for the story, to add another complication. But it should have more justification, both for why he doesn't go through with stealing it, and why they don't sell it to him.
- And then the crying. Wut? No. This is silly. She'd just be baffled as to his reaction. Maybe crying later after more cajoling.
- Hey, I recognize Western Instruments! Heh. Well, at least I think I do, so if that's not a real graphic calculator manufacturer, well done. (Well done either way for the research or the verisimilitude, or at the very least the good eye for detail.)
- Man, the setup from Hamilton was way too obvious. Edward did everything right with checking with everyone, so it's not as bad as it could be, but… I dunno. It's sorta frustrating to read when the reader sees something that they feel the narrator should see, even if it's well-justified…
- Okay, he finally does steal the book. Good. Though this is gonna be obvious as hell when he inevitably gets found out. Sigh. But at least it was well-justified. Although it again makes the previous setup seem like it should've been cleverer — it seems like an authorial contrivance to push Edward into this position.
Overall: This is very, very good — as it has to be, to make up for the sheer length! Brilliantly done. I don't even like MC&D all that much, to be honest, but this may well be my favorite take, and I've only finished Act 1.
(account deleted)So, courtesy of the iBook, I was able to read this in its entirety. It's an extremely compelling, cohesive, character-driven narrative, and it's probably the best example of long-form prose that I've read on the site thus far. Upvoted with extreme enthusiasm, and I look forward the next act with relish.
EGradley: what, exactly, do you think I'm going to help you to do?
Death_4H: we'll be in touch.
War_4H has left the channel.**
Death_4H has left the channel.**
Small typo here
De Mortuis Nihil Nisi Bonum
/forum/t-557523/acquisitions-a-marshall-carter-dark-tale-act-i#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06