(account deleted) 25 Aug 2012 23:05
Interesting- in a good way- but the tone… Something seems a little off, but I can't tone for toffee so I'll leave that to the experts.
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(account deleted) 25 Aug 2012 23:05
Does this remind anyone else of the Pinwheel of Doom?
A few things I noticed:
[…] and the sudden shift in orientation was disorienting.
This sounds repetitive when I read it.
It's one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. [and passim ff.]
Woah. Tone shift. Drop this.
[…] dyring […]
Wut?
Otherwise pretty cool.
Thanks for catching the mistakes. The tone shift (and use of Imperial units) was deliberate, as that was an informal field report rather than a formal document. I added an attribution to make that more clear, and am not averse to changing it if it continues to bug people.
No, no, I understood that it was supposed to be a field report, but the tonal shift is really startling. The whole beginning of the field report is very terse and impersonal:
Grain silo found at indicated location. Area surrounding silo is a farm in extreme disrepair, no inhabitants. When activated, the entire cone of matter displaced by SCP-1188 is visible in the air in the exact center of this silo.
…but then you get the last sentence of each paragraph, and they stick out like sore thumbs.
And, while I understand that these are agents making field reports, they're still expected to do so with a certain level of formality. I'm sure that they oft skimp on this expectation, but this feels excessive, at least in contrast to the rest of what was reported.
Sorry, but I don't really like this idea. At first, it reads like the Sonic Blaster from that one Doctor Who episode. The bit about the grain silo is a nice touch that almost made me upvote, but that idea didn't even go anywhere past "Yeah, it moves stuff to the grain silo temporarily." Which we kinda already knew. (Though you do get points for not making it be spooOOOoooOoOooooky and have the camera record static, and stuff like that).
Oh, and this.
Addendum 1
D-16621 became extremely ill 48 hours after exposure, with severe nausea, vomiting, and anemia, dying two days later due to multiple organ failure. Agent ████████'s symptoms were similar but much more acute, with rapidly worsening neurological problems resulting in death six hours after exposure. SCP-1188 is no longer to be used on living organisms.
Reads like:
Addendum 1
OH YEAH, THEY DIED BY THE WAY, BECAUSE DEAD PEOPLE MAKE THE FUCKING GRASS GROW HERE AT THE FOUNDATION AND IT AIN'T A GOOD ARTICLE UNTIL WE HAVE SOME DEAD PEOPLE!! YEAAAAH!!!!
I like this a lot.
Might I suggest renaming it something like "Matter-Displacing Flashlight" on the series list? "Flashlight" seems like an awfully generic title considering what's going on here.
hmm… sure, why not +1
If you shone the torch at the silo, would there be some sort of infinite regression as bits of silo are displaced into the silo and the torch beam again, which displaces them into a different bit of the torch beam again and again forever? And is there a way of aligning the torch so it displaces things to exactly where they started from, by positioning the torch where the tip of the Cone of Displacement ends up?
Are you trying to [DATA REDACTED] all of us? Don't ask those sorts of questions!
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