SCP-1213 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-1213.

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Smapti 30 Jul 2012 01:38

The device had been worked on for several years by Dr. ████████, a scientist that had gone rogue after [DATA EXPUNGED].

"The device had been worked on for several years by Dr. Wily, a scientist that had gone rogue after stealing and reprogramming the Robot Masters."

I actually like the setup and the idea of this SCP, but it goes downhill when Dr. Redacto is introduced, and the research log is a steaming pile of [ILLEGIBLE].

I want to upvote this, but it's just not polished enough. No vote for now.

Communism will win 30 Jul 2012 01:52

The research log actually works for me; it gives the SCP a cool backstory that came out of nowhere without using any more words than it needs to.

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if your reading this your gay

thedeadlymoose 30 Jul 2012 02:00

Smapti is 100% right here IMO.

But that could be because I didn't get anything at all good from the research log except for some giggle-worthy turns of phrase. I like the rest of it.

EDIT: Also, yeah, bad expungement.

Last edited on 30 Jul 2012 02:01 by thedeadlymoose Show more

tomode 30 Jul 2012 16:07

I get really fcking annoyed by people filling in the redactions,
Okay, I guess it's fine in the case of [REDACTED], because that's an individual word or verb/noun/adj phrase, and if you can make a funny with a limited number of words pasted into a sentence, good on you.
But in the case of [DATA EXPUNGED] you can theoretically fill in whole paragraphs, you can add subjunctive clauses or even make the preceding sentences the subjunctive. Hell, you could add entire excerpts of George Carlin material if you feel like it.
It's just a cheap shot, and not funny.
So blow me.

Bob Humbug 30 Jul 2012 16:43

The point (which is frequently lost in the rush to make a funny) is that any expungement which is vague enough to do this with is most likely also a bad expungement. And by "bad," I mean the result of the author hoping that the reader will do most of the work of being scary or interesting, instead of coming up with something scary or interesting to tell the reader. (Which was the case in the example you're responding to.) Alternately, it's bad because the author knows what's supposed to go there, but hasn't left enough clues in the text as to what that is, which is also a flaw and should be corrected.

There are also cases where people do this just to score a laugh at the author's expense, of course, but the other thing is more common.

SwamplessThing 31 Jul 2012 01:05

I don't know whether this is specifically pointed at my SCP, i'll assume it is, but i've fixed the expungement with the rogue Dr. thing.

As for the Dr.'s notes, I could easily have written a whole thing, but as Scantron said, I didn't want to use any more words than I needed to, and I also wanted to enforce the idea of the laboratory and the notes being almost destroyed

SwamplessThing 30 Jul 2012 01:40

Hey, I have no idea how this is going to go, I had thought this was going to be a -J and it might still be, but i thought there was perhaps enough here for it to make it - we will see.

The picture there is the only good one i could find that fit what i needed, tell me if you know of a better one.

Thanks in advance for your critique.

Eskobar 30 Jul 2012 01:47

Goddammit, I actually like this. You need to change some punctuation around, like adding a semicolon in the middle of "searching for targets, should SCP-1213 find a suitable target" in the first description sentence. Also, you need a word other than "target" in all the places you use that; the target would be what the catapult is shooting at, not what it's shooting. Otherwise, I can actually get behind this, in an old-school SCP sort of way. The log even works for me.

SwamplessThing 30 Jul 2012 01:54

thanks, changed target to prey, if anyone can think of a better word, please share.

Theally 30 Jul 2012 01:58

Victim, maybe?

SwamplessThing 30 Jul 2012 01:59

Maybe i'll mix them up, having prey in every sentence of a paragraph irks me

Dmatix 30 Jul 2012 01:59

"people with dwarfism"-should probably be subjects, thought it's not that bad. Overall, some of the sentences are a bit cumbersome, but the idea is cute and scenarios described amusing, so it's an upvote for me.

RJB_R 30 Jul 2012 01:58

It has no distinguishing features or unusual physical properties.

I think we can infer this because you didn't mention any distinguishing properties.

and then SCP-1213 will resume its search for more prey.

A bit awkward sounding.

SCP-1213 has also been known to target people with dwarfism on occasion.

This is a nice touch.

The device had been worked on for several years by Dr. ████████, a scientist that had gone rogue after [DATA EXPUNGED]. Dr. ████████ could not be located.

This is some bad expungement.

Also, the words unknown and illegible are used too often in the description and addendum, respectively.

Overall, not bad.

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Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

SwamplessThing 30 Jul 2012 02:14

thanks, i've addressed all but the 2nd point, not sure how to fix that.

as for the fourth:

The device was the experimental work of Dr. ████████, who could not be located.

is what i've changed it to, short simple and sweet.

RJB_R 30 Jul 2012 02:26

Better.

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Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

SoullessSingularity 30 Jul 2012 02:05

[ILLEGIBLE]uck!

I don't know how fuck is illegible if you remove the f. Puck? Sluck? Luck? Pluck?

Other than that, don't know how to feel. No vote.

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Living the dream, or dreaming the life?

SwamplessThing 30 Jul 2012 02:15

How about:

Its stuck!

you tough critic you

Jekeled 30 Jul 2012 02:16

There is a bunch of really, really stupid expungement in here. If you changed or removed some of that, I would be delighted to upvote a cat-apult.

SwamplessThing 30 Jul 2012 02:20

Which bits are silly? i've fixed the whole rogue doctor thing

Jekeled 31 Jul 2012 21:09

AAAnd upvoted the poor babypult

:'(

Doktori 30 Jul 2012 02:43

Weird yet scary because of the possibility of a world of these. Upvoted

Khym Chanur 30 Jul 2012 02:45

or any other mammal displaying neotenous traits,

Don't all humans display neotenous traits?

Bob Humbug 30 Jul 2012 03:17

The research log might read more smoothly if you made a note at the beginning that illegible bits would be represented as something less obtrusive, like […]. E.g.:

I've grown found of it, it […] no family of my […] so long […] alone working […]

Maybe not. I don't actually like the research log in the first place, though I approve of trying to hint at the origin of the thing. I'm just trying to make it easier to parse.

"Contented purring sound" is troubling also, though I see why it's there too.

I dunno. This is pretty rough, but the idea fits my sensibilities well enough to upvote it (provisionally) anyway.

SwamplessThing 30 Jul 2012 03:31

I'll give that illegible thing ago and see how it looks, cheers.

SoullessSingularity 30 Jul 2012 04:28

Holy shit it looks much better.

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Living the dream, or dreaming the life?

SwamplessThing 30 Jul 2012 04:34

:)

Smapti 30 Jul 2012 06:15

Much improved with the edits. Now to upvote and ponder writing "Lord Blackwood in the Empire of the Catapults".

firewoven 30 Jul 2012 09:24

Jesus. That's a horrifying thought. And it's even in Britain already.

SwamplessThing 30 Jul 2012 09:28

Well, the 'device' is destroyed so you'd have to track down Dr. ████████ first, and i have a few plans for him… EDIT: or her…

Last edited on 30 Jul 2012 09:29 by SwamplessThing Show more

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