Grim / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Grim.

Author Commentary

(account deleted) 12 Feb 2018 19:46

So, it's been almost eight months since I posted a tale about the 7th Occult War. Bazyliszek and Kirche both explored themes of the anomalous interacting with the horrors of WWII, and today, I decided to turn my attention to the Blitz and the Black Dogs of England.

Contrary to what Harry Potter might have you think, a Grim is actually benign, if not benevolent, protecting a churchyard against those who would profane it. Rowling probably conflated her Grim with the Black Shuck. The Germans probably didn't care if their butterfly munitions landed on a chapel or two, or in the garden of the local pastor…

Special thanks to all my beta readers: Agent MacLeod, DarkStuff, Presque, DrChandra, tretter does not match any existing user name, and all others. I've had this in my sandbox since last May, so if I haven't credited you as a Beta Reader, feel free to tell me and I shall.

If you enjoy this, check out my author page for more.

Last edited on 12 Feb 2018 21:09 by (account deleted) Show more

DeviantDharma 13 Feb 2018 04:42

Fantastic work, the tension is very much real all through out the Tale. I especially liked the ending and this part:

Jameson barely held back a scowl. Couldn't his generation let there be a martyr among them? Why did they insist on saving lives? There was no glory in returning from war, only a hollow hole in your soul. He'd seen it when he was only sixteen, in the Somme. A man laid down in front of a tank. He didn't even scream. At least, if he died, he could inspire others to keep fighting, or to stop.

Really puts their differences into perspective.

If I had to suggest something, maybe find a way to describe each major character's appearance with a bit more detail? I found myself having trouble picturing them in my head. Which is kind of unusual for your Tales.

DarkStuff 14 Feb 2018 02:22

I am not quite sure I understood the ending, but I hadn't read anything on the 7th Occult War before and this makes me very interested, which any tale that's part of a series or canon strives to accomplish. As Gibbering said, it is a bit hard to visualize some of this, but I don't think that's a terribly fair criticism on my part because imagery surrounding action scenes always feels a bit shaky for me. As a comparison, I never felt like I got a good grasp on the environment throughout the entirety of All Quiet on the Western Front. So that's just a me thing.

Seeing a Church Grim used this way and in this context was pretty dang cool. I often feel that the combination of anomalous aspects mixed with real historical events cheapens things, but this handled it well. I guess that was because much of the horror really did come from normal war stuff, like unexploded munitions. Good stuff. +1

EDIT: Also, I don't remember beta reading this? But I guess that's a good thing, because the whole thing came as a surprise to me.

Last edited on 14 Feb 2018 02:23 by DarkStuff Show more

GreenRaven 06 Oct 2021 11:15

we're not some common soldiers who pillage the dead

I'd say technically the Foundation does pillage, but they do it in the name of containment and research, not profit.

Well, that's a creepy ending. +1

+ Nitpicks

Howard agreed, looking approaching a fork in the road.

Think you're missing "at an" in between looking and approaching.

The poor driver

Based on the context, "the poor driver" doesn't fit the tone of this section. He's scared, but not the one injured.

I'd recommend moving "He's out cold!" up next to "Singh's been hit!" for better flow of the paragraph.

exiting the cabin, making his way

This phrasing is kind of awkward. "exiting the cabin to make his way" would be smoother.

He made his way towards the sergeant, and lifted up the poor sapper's arms.

This is a complete sentence without the comma, and the two sections are fragments with it. I recommend removing the comma.

They were being overseen by men with white armbands and a red cross

The International Red Cross was founded in 1863 in Switzerland. By WWII most countries knew who they were, even if they didn't respect them. "With the sign of the Red Cross" would make more sense in the historical context.

And if it's not meant to be the Red Cross sign, wording it the way it is just spoils that there's a surprise coming, since they're wearing a red cross, but not the Red Cross.

the weather in the North England

I think an extra "the" snuck in.

eerie tone in the bray

"Bray" is associated with burros, mules, and donkeys. Yelp, wail, cry, or yowl might be what you're going for.