Thank you everyone who helped me with this when it was just a draft.
JC
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I really do like this. Some bits of the exploration logs and the Agent's Note sound just a tad too formal for normal speech, but other than that, it's a great awesomely-written unique ghost ship thingy.
One plot hole though: even if the realm with the black seas is toxic/fatal/makes people rot away with magicks instead of starvation, why did that stop all 200-something people from eating the food? They said the supplies were untouched.
Oh shit. I thought I addressed that in a previous edit.
Quickly, to the editing page!
This entry as a whole isn't very interesting. I would have liked to see more flavorful text in the logs. As it is currently, it feels like a weak version of the cargo ship.
Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!
Seconded. This article can go further. As it is now it is a bit boring, in a wat that leaves you feeling that this article could be lovely if it went more.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
Would changing the note in the Captain's log to an audio recording perhaps improve the article? This would show the Agent's emotions better and allow for me to include reference to the voices via background recordings.
Since I generally avoid audio logs like the plague, it wouldn't help me in any way.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
I see. Thank you for the honesty.
I'll wait for bit more feedback before I make such an edit then.
It's not bad. It just feels… Lacking. Concept is there, it even WORKS. Execution is good, but I feel like you could have elaborated more. You are fine with it now, but I'd like to see more.
Alright, any suggestions? What would you like to see elaborated?
Maybe something when they sail towards the whispers, or something when they anchor Abd DON'T go to them. Just ideas, like I said, it stands on its own as is. But it could expand more.
Interesting. Definitely something I will consider adding to the Agent's Log.
It's rare that I get to say this about informal portions of an article, but the note left in the back of the Captain's log has some really weird tone issues- by which I mean, it doesn't sound right for a dying team leader putting his last words on paper. It's a little purple, it doesn't come across as sincere, and that opening sentence about "informal" writing hits the fourth wall like a mack truck. We get some exposition out of it, and little else.
The rest of the article is mostly unremarkable. Not bad, just not terribly compelling. No vote.
I'll be sure to remove the piece on the "informal" writing. Looking over it again, I think you were being gracious with the mack truck analogy.
I'm I think I'll make the Agent's note into an audio recording after all.
Your in a world of black seas and blacker skies, where the only life is a whispering in the distance. Welcome to the HMS Tiresias, where the crew are all skeletons for some reason. This unwitting team has sailed through…
The Twilight Zone.
That's why you should avoid making this an audio log.
God damn it now I want to make this into a tale…
Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!
This is well written, easy to understand and follow, but I felt there was something missing, some sort of twist or something, I'm not sure.
I'm sorry I can't be more specific, but I just feel something slightly more could be done with it. I'll add more here if I can put my finger on why it sits oddly in my mind.
I like this and am tempted to have a certain Lordship cross paths with it at some point in the future.
This didn't grab me at all. It's just a ghost ship, like the most basic sort of ghost ship you could possibly have. Also, your picture doesn't work.
I disagree. I was on the fence a while but I think it's a fine take on an old cliche.
But I also am a sucker for everything extradimensional. I was inclined to not vote until I saw the other world.
Also congrats on +75. Not easy to write this one to Foundation standards.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
