I like this one. It's weird OTT performance, but not in the way you would immediately think it would be.
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-1114.
Thanks. I'm open to any and all criticism by the way, so if there's something that could have been worded better, don't hesitate to mention it.
I do feel like the last [DATA EXPUNGED] in the report seems sort of jarring, if nothing else because it just comes in with "twelve days" seemingly out of nowhere.
I think I get that the Dr. took the damage from the blast instead of the D-class, but I feel that could be indicated with less work. My 2p, ymmv, etc.
Additionally, I have to ask: what is with all the hammers? The description says it activates when someone sustains physical injury; wouldn't a minor wound like the ones inflicted in the first two animal experiments be much more clinical and precise than bashing a D-class's head in with a hammer?
Not to mention it's got to be cleaner and less traumatic for attending physicians/guards.
I like the idea of an anomalous crash test dummy, but this doesn't cut it for me. no vote.
Much better. I just proudly put this into the positives with added alliterative appeal.
Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!
Is there anything specific that could be done better in your opinion or is it just the general concept?
(account deleted)It's the execution. The damage transference mechanic is interesting, but statements like "trying to insert an ice pick into subject's eye…" break tone. Imagine you really had this; how would you go about testing it? You would make small superficial cuts and such; these are scientists, not cartoon villains. For the real dramatic application describe how it was used in an actual crash test and [DATA EXPUNGED] a bystander.
Vezaz makes a good point. Starting small and working your way up is a good way to ensure your research is methodical and as safe as possible.
I'm with you on the ice pick thing. I'll see if I can find a better way to say what I want to say there. Are the other specific things that need rephrasing?
On the use of the dummy in a crash test: I thought of that but it seemed to predictable as a collection story…
Looks like I read this after some of the revisions were made. As it stands, I like this. Not quite sure what purpose was served hitting a chicken with a hammer, when the other two animal species tested sustained only superficial injuries, but otherwise this is a well done article.
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I had a hard time thinking of a controlled way to inflict blunt force trauma. The idea was to have three different classes of creatures receive three different types of damage. If you know of something that could be used to induce controlled blunt force trauma, I'd be happy to change the article.
Also: *ding*
Perhaps a creature that can show signs of bruising. Then a moderate blow with a Reflex Hammer. A claw hammer just seems to be not very clinical.
You're right. I actually thought I'd taken the 'claw' out of there already for exactly that reason. Not that a hammer in general is much better. I've edited the article (but I haven't taken out the chicken - I've grown fond of that chicken).
The last part before the test log rubs me the wrong way for some reason. It adds nothing to the article for me.
Besides that, no vote. The writing is neat, but I'm not a fan of the idea itself.
EDIT: The [DATA EXPUNGED] in the 3rd to last paragraph just reads to me like "the object will continue to accrue damage until expiration of subject".
I can see what you're saying. Also, I could put "tickled by a guy wearing a pink neon bunny suit" where it now says "[DATA EXPUNGED]". Textbook wrongful use. *facepalm*. I'll edit it.
Edit: I'll leave your edit untouched, but as far as I have been able to ascertain "to all intents and purposes" is actually the more correct form, with 'for all intents and purposes' being permissible. I figured someone might catch on to it. :)
There's so much potential for darkness with this concept. A very sick person who came into possession of this SCP could torture someone endlessly and never worry about their victim expiring from blood loss, head trauma etc. It's an interesting concept that could have taken a very dark turn, but didn't. I'm glad you refrained from it. Sometimes the reader can fill in the blanks much more effectively when they have the right ingredients. Glad to see the tests were toned down a bit, too. Never been a fan of GRIMDARK test logs. +1
Thank you. I got a kick in the ass by Sorts for being a very blunt and unsubtle boremonkey when I first posted a sandbox link (of a different SCP attempt) and it stuck. The amount of edits means I'm still finding my way, but I'm sure I'll get it at some point.
Okay, admittedly I really like the final test log, you take a fairly straightforward concept and throw in a "twist" that the reader hardly expects… but I feel the doctor ordering the dummy to get shot in the face with a shotgun is quite the leap from a needle prick in the last test log. I guess it's a question between how much of the set-up to the wham line you want to sacrifice and how much you want the scientists studying this thing to adhere to rational scientific protocol. Not enough to detract from the overall article though.
Also, harming the dummy only transfers pain to the bonded subject and not physical injury… so why was the doctor placed in a closed casket? I think the idea of feeling the sensation of a shotgun blast to the face and not dying is horrifying, and works better. Or am I misreading this?
I edited the shotgun into just a firearm to dimish the whole 'WHOO LET'S FUCK THINGS UP' feel of the test a bit, since I felt it went from needle to shotgun far too fast as well. It needs to be sufficient trauma for readers to be able to visualize something horrible, but not too wild to appear like someone just went Herbert West on that D-class. If there's something that would work better, please don't hesitate to suggest it.
Also, yes, you're misreading it. If the subject is injured, pain does NOT transfer and physical injury does. If the dummy is damaged, the subject feels both the pain and experiences the actual injury. That means that the poor guy in the factory suddenly felt his face cave in and then felt his ribs puncture his internal organs as his chest was deformed when the dummy hit the crash barrier in that car factory in Germany.
Couple grammar stuff, and i think the "Scryzone" facial recognition thing doesn't really need the company name in it.
Good concept though
This is pretty darn good, especially the inherent dangers as shown by that last test log. There are a couple repeated words ("at at", "Dr. Dr." can't you see I'm burnin' burnin'), but otherwise, this feels pretty solid. I do question that one Expungement where the limbs don't come back after 30 minutes. Nothing's put into that to suggest what might happen.
I rather like this one… I also see some schmuck trying to say "Hey, we should get these things imprinted on some MTF fire teams so they don't die on missions," only to get Stooge-slapped repeatedly while explained that the Foundation doesn't do that sort of thing.
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page revision: 1, last edited: 02 Apr 2021 15:16
