Shamblr:1201 SCP idea
http://scpsandboxwiki.wikidot.com/shamblr
I need help with the tone and grammar thanks :)
Shamblr:1201
Forum
» Writing Help / Help: Drafts Critique
» Shamblr:1201
Summary:
http://scpsandboxwiki.wikidot.com/shamblr
help
#1. Read all of this. http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/how-to-write-an-scp
#2. Read all of this. http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/top-rated-pages
#3. Do not allow words to have a squiggly line under them when you post, that means they are spelled incorrectly. Sometimes it cannot be helped, for example, the word 'downvote' is used here a lot and the spellchecker thinks it is wrong. Go to here; http://www.wiktionary.org/ and find the correct spelling of each word that has the squiggle under it. I know it might take a long time.
There is a lot more. I will go over your SCP but these things are first.
All this is important, not really for this little website but for your life. Good communication skills help you in all aspects, not the least of which is to help you get a job that is better than migrant worker, janitor, or garbageman.
[Don't be a dick. - Dexa]
As a non-mod regular user guy, I'm going to second that. He posted a bad article, took his licks, and came back asking for help. It's what you're supposed to do. He doesn't need to get the shit kicked out of him for perpetuity because of it.
True, but I'm pointing out that the article in the sandbox is in desperate need of proofreading, because the tone is way off and there are still a lot of spelling and grammar errors. Seriously, you can't even consider reposting the article unless those are cleared up.
On tone: Avoid italics outside of quotes at the bottom of a page. Do not use italics to dramatize certain phrases or words; while it works fine in a book, it doesn't fit the clinical tone of an SCP article.
On grammar: Read over your sentences and say them out loud. Saying a sentence out loud allows you to figure out how well it flows. If you're not a native english speaker and have trouble with sentence structure, try to find someone to write with you. I've found that co-writing something with one other person can be a great experience, since you both have ideas and can cooperate your better parts.
On general SCP writing tips: Make sure you say at the beginning of the Special Containment Procedures that SCP-1201 is contained in the town. I at first get the impression that SCP-1201 is the town.
There are a couple things in the article that are really jarring. The biggest one, for me, is the fact that the personnel on site are empathizing with and nicknaming the anomalous phenomenon on site. The Foundation is only really there to secure, contain, and protect- in this case, protect the outside world from whatever the hell is going on in this messed-up place. The Foundation doesn't care about whether or not one girl is suffering; if she's contained and locked in a loop of repetitive and predictable acitivity, their job is done.
Idea:Thats one of her powers,meaning the more time that they actually turn into projections and get stuck in the loop! adds to creepy factor no?
Didn't you say that all of the projections are memories of people in the fire? In that case, other people turning into projections doesn't make a lot of sense.
well if someone has something traumatic happen to them and they get help from someone kind afterwords don't u think you'd remember them aka they become part of your memory.
Them being from her memory is actually pretty clear. What isn't clear is that it's possible for other people to get trapped too. If that's what you're getting at, it needs to be stated more clearly. Perhaps a note that Dr. [blackboxes] (or maybe just her memory copy of him) became stuck in the projection loop and started burning too.
Giving bearhugs to the unsuspecting since 1872.
OK so say the town is a washing machine,bare with me.
the projections are red t-shirts
foundation members are white t-shirts
eventually the white t-shirts turn red and you can't tell what was originally white.
kinda get what i'm saying?
The fire man,dog and mom, do all still contain there personalities they could have been the first to be trapped.
See, it's not clear that that's the difference between them and the grey figures. You just say they're special without explaining why.
Giving bearhugs to the unsuspecting since 1872.
I am formally requesting permission to go in and re-write/re-format some of this article if I have time tomorrow. My plan would be to put the rewritten paragraphs in bold underneath the original ones, so you could compare and contrast them to see the difference. This would be a grammar rewrite only and I wouldn't touch any of the concepts.
Giving bearhugs to the unsuspecting since 1872.
I have no problem with this go right ahead.If you have anything to contribute to the story you can add notes.
Okay, I just finished my first go through. I may come back later today to make another pass.
Giving bearhugs to the unsuspecting since 1872.
That was really good of you, Drewbear. You're a more patient and generous person than I.
Bad grammar offends me, but in a "please become better; here's how" way rather than a "RAGESMASHKILL" way. And like I said in the comments of this when it was originally posted on the mainlist: it's not a bad idea, just poorly presented. Bad English can be corrected, learned from and forgiven.
Giving bearhugs to the unsuspecting since 1872.
OK so i edited it accordingly to how you suggested.I just need you to review the addendum .
Carefully compare your recent edit with the one below.
A white dog that wonders the burning embrues streets with a collar smudged with soot.
Drewbear's edit:
A white dog that wanders the burning streets. It wears a collar smudged with soot.
There are a lot of problems just like this line. Re-read all of Drewbear's edits and do another edit on your work. Then the next day, read it and edit it again. Then print it and find an English teacher or some other qualified person and have them read it and critique it. Take their advice and edit it again. Be patient, and persevere.
(Additionally, it makes more sense that the dog is sooty, not just the collar.)
I like the picture, it really adds a lot. Good work.
i got a new picture that fits the SCP so0o0o0o0o well :D
That picture really is an improvement over the old one.
A team went into the town today we have to find out whats causing it to keep replaying.Teams report projections that aren't grey shapes like all of the others.The Fireman,Dog,Girl,and women seem to be the only relevant projections in the town.
Drop these, they are already mentioned in the text above.
/forum/t-438612/shamblr:1201#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
