i need more feedback

Summary:

i don't know what to do.

i need more feedback

NightCoffee365 30 Jan 2012 05:20

after posting this in forums, getting some feedback, then posting my pieceon the site, it plunged in less than a day and managed to (rightfully) annoy Dr Bright. i took out some things, streamlined some things, got a better pic and poured over the newbie, how-to, faq and overdone things sections to make sure nothing in those is in this anymore. please please PLEASE lend some help. http://sandbox.scp-wiki.net/psyshade

Last edited on 31 Jan 2012 00:11 by NightCoffee365 Show more

Re: i need more feedback

Bland 30 Jan 2012 21:34

Actually, Bright lives with being mildly annoying. Except when he talks about me and then it's ▓▓▓▓ annoying.

Re: i need more feedback

NightCoffee365 31 Jan 2012 00:08

gotta give it to him though. something possessed me to put wikipedia links in my article. i literally read that it shouldn't be done and just flaked. they've since been removed.

Just my opinion...

Agent Angus Smith 30 Jan 2012 14:17

I think the main problem is with the underlying concept. Even when fairly well-written, I didn't get an emotional response. I like the idea of a creepy lunchbox; everyone has has a lunchbox, they travel into high security areas, etc. You need to strip this down to just the object and give it a new purpose. Is it a 'klepto' purse and you steal things for the god of lunchboxes? Did it used to belong to Hannibal Lector? Is it an spy for the Factory? (I think the klepto idea has been used here.)

Excess wordiness:

…is a burgundy, soft walled polyester lunch cooler, 20.3 cm long x 15.2 cm high x 15.2 cm in depth with an internal volume … adjustable nylon carrying strap.

Change to; is a standard soft-walled lunch cooler, 20 x 15 x 15 cm.
The picture shows a bottle that is more interesting than the SCP, find a picture of just a lunchbox.

^{(PS You really should eat a healthier lunch than just microwave chicken pot pies.)}

Re: Just my opinion...

NightCoffee365 30 Jan 2012 20:30

i see… so the biggest problem is lack of je ne sais quoi. i usually write very descriptively; and clinical writing is, admittedly, harder than it looks. trying to illicit an emotion response in a writing style that is emotionally detached is tricky, and i've yet to do it successfully. i'm going to let this and any other input roll around in my head for a bit before making changes.

i intended to find a pic that has a couple of distracting things in it so the cooler seemed more innocuous. unfortunately, i seemed to innocuous it down to 'who cares'. also need to balance too much info and not enough info.

THE POT PIES STAY!!!! critique my writing all you want, but touch my pot-pies and it's PISTOLS at DAWN!

Re: Just my opinion...

Agent Angus Smith 31 Jan 2012 01:05

Yes, is is challenging. These are written by science-types for admins who don't care about mitosis. Admins want to know how to kill it, and they have 35 more reports to read before lunch. Foundation Tales has a different format, allowing much more flexibility.

The picture would be fine if it was a surveillance picture taken of the SCP. Now that it is contained, a photo is more of a 'studio shoot' where it is put on display.

The true villain who set out 1,828 instances of SCP-XXX-2 to convert humans into food is… the Taco Bell Corp.

_{Not picking on the pot pies, just suggesting to add some other stuff that is healthy. Really none of my business, sorry.}

Re: Just my opinion...

NightCoffee365 31 Jan 2012 02:09

heh… taco bell feel like it converts the body straight to s**t… a 7 layer chalupa is keter-after-eating.
_{and it's totally cool; i do also carry things like fruit and sometimes i take dinner-leftovers instead.}

Re: i need more feedback

NightCoffee365 30 Jan 2012 20:37

the thing i'm thinking: perhaps this is not worthy of being an scp in itself. perhaps this is SCP-XXXX-2. what would need that much food? why would in not just eat people? perhaps the cooler is a mechanism, like those parasites that infect snail-brains and make them climb to get eaten.