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This started out as an attempt to write a comedy, but it kinda… stopped being a comedy after a while.
Thanks to taylor_itkin,
not_a_seagull,
Zyn,
Dr0Shadow,
Bennings, and
Ihp for critting!
I hope you all enjoy!
I’m pretty sure someone stole your idea and turned it into a show called thirsty just an FYI if you didn’t already know about it. Also I love your story it’s so creative and unique.
Okay that was weird as hell, heartwarming, heartbreaking, and right back round to heartwarming when he was allowed to live with their kids. This is my favorite of anything you’ve written yet, well friggen done!
Wow! Thank you so much! I really appreciate how much you like this!
The description is definitely looking a lot better compared to the version I read earlier. Long logs are still long, but I'm more likely to read through them all now.
+1 from me. Good work.
Really appreciated, Zyn! I know you hate long logs, but I'm at least glad you think the object itself is worth looking into.
I appreciate the help!
This started out with me thinking I had some idea of what would happen.
Sweet horse badorties, was I wrong. This surpassed expectations. It even had as close to a happy ending as it possibly could. I regret that I have but one upvote for you.
Awwww, that's really sweet of you! I'm so glad that you liked it and that the happy ending landed well. I appreciate the upvote!
A family can be a dead mosquito mom, her human widower and their human-mosquito hybrid children.
+1
And that’s okay and you’re not allowed to judge them for their choices
I don't know what I was expecting. It wasn't a man falling in love with a mosquito, that's for sure, and it definitely wasn't babies growing out of his leg.
+1, for somehow making that premise into a heartwarming love story.
Well, I’m glad that you liked it!
I was really worried it was too weird a premise, but it’s adding to it really well apparently!
Even if the ending was somewhat heartwarming as he is allowed to live with his children, I'm still sad that the mosquito is dead and no longer in his memories. Honestly, the dialogues between the two are so beautiful that they make her death even sadder than it already is.
Take your tear-stained +1 ;-;
I’ll take tear-soaked +1s, don’t worry
I’m glad you liked it!
+1
The premise seemed sooooooo dumb but damn did you pull it off. You really got me at the heartstrings… well done.
Aw, I’m glad I was able to do that for you! I appreciate the upvote!
The logs were alright for the most part, barring a few places where it was excessively melodramatic via tell over show; the most glaring of which was this piece from the first entry:
SCP-3774-2432: God dammit… God, why did I have to be so creepy? Why did I have to just screw it up this fast?
SCP-3774-2432 is silent for approximately four seconds.
SCP-3774-2432: I just wanted to get to know him…
Which is blatantly expository and groan-worthy. I think this could be changed to make her feeling less explicit.
Another thing that stood out as an odd choice was the decision to have her simulate laughter, rather than simply laugh…we're already to buy a talking sapient mosquito, is it that much of a stretch to let her authentically chuckle?
What seals my downvote, however, is the sheer stupidity of this venture from the SCPF's perspective. Suspension was broken almost immediately due to the nonsensical nature of the project behind this story:
Why on Earth would they be bred to pass on their genes? How could they have possibly gotten a pass on this project, which could potentially introduce an invasive species into the ecosystem? Is there no concern that their progeny wouldn't be able to be tracked or recalled?
Why the blazes would they give covert instruments the capacity for speech? Isn't that counterintuitive to their aims for a discreet monitoring tool? How does the capability to speak suddenly translate to acquiring sapience?
Everything about the setup for the story seems backwards and contrived, and I'm of the opinion that there has to be a more reasonable way to set up the story than by leaping through so many logical hoops with reckless abandon. -1
Fair enough. I respect your opinion and will strive to do better in my next idea. Thanks for reading at least!
As a final nitpick; it probably would've been more heartwarming had they not excised and cruelly terminated one of the fetuses, to come to a simple conclusion that could have been reached via non-intrusive/destructive methods. It was hard to really be sold on a happy ending when one of the children were killed so the SCPF could throw their hands up and say 'whelp, looks human enough' (to be more clear, if you're not going to get into explicit detail of their biology, why resort to something so extreme to begin with?).
That’s a fair point. Should I just change that part of the ending or would it be better suited to reword it to include more fine details about -A’s anatomy?
Fine details would just make it drag, I feel. I'd just change their methods: visual, physical, and imaging tech to determine they're human for all intents and purposes.
Sure, sure. Just trying to make the ending seem relatively rewarding
What the actual hell am I even feeling right now? This story is so freaking good. You managed to make me like, care and cry over these characters. (A mosquito at that)
It's both a tragic, funny, and a heartwarming story.
+1
That's my goal and I'm so glad that it came through. Thank you, Cloud!
