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Oof. Okay, ChazzK, you have MULTIPLE page formatting errors here. First, the name of the page needs to be changed to SCP-965, not left on the default. Second, you didn't replace any of your SCP-!!!'s. Third, there's something weird going on in the caption for the second picture. I haven't even read it yet and all this jumps out at me. Fix. Immediately.
Giving bearhugs to the unsuspecting since 1872.
Just finished reading it. Discovery is included as part of the description, not as a separate section. The concept isn't bad; a malevolent person that lives in your window. I'm curious as to how they discovered the sleep/dream thing though, considering it was discovered in a haunted house. I doubt that many people are sleeping there, and there'd be no reason to make someone sleep next to it without foreknowledge that the dreams mattered. It appears that you are having the cuts begin in the gatrointestinal tract, but then say that they're just under the skin, then they move on to the heart. And the more people, the more severe, to the point that the cuts extend all the way from the GI tract to out of the skin? Am I getting that correct? Because it seems kinda confusing.
Giving bearhugs to the unsuspecting since 1872.
I'm probably going to go in and fix that up a bit; it seemed to flow better in my head when I read it out. Basically it's thus:
The cuts happen inside the body, shallow incisions around the intestines, stomach, etc. The final cut is made on the heart itself, which is the one that causes enough damage to actually kill the person outright, though obviously lack of medical care could lead to death from the rest as well via internal bleeding, infection, etc.
The "reaching the skin" is due to the cuts becoming more severe with additional victims at the same time, going from smaller cuts inside to deep and violent gashes; they're basically getting carved up from the inside out, rather than from the skin down to the core.
Fixed up title, got rid of SCP-!!!, and then downvoted for lackluster tone and no actual description that I can find.
Kinda this. The concept behind it is good, and i can see it working well, just that.. your current execution of it isn't exactly up to snuff.
I recommend coming to the IRC and asking people - the trouble in part seem that the description is kinda waffly, getting lost in the detail. Which i'd be fine with if it had proper structure and tone, but at the moment it's somewhat off.
In some way ,i feel like a better take on this would be the face simply causing nervousness and spell deprivation on people - the affected see it in other places, more and more, though it stays in the window, and obviously , they can't exactly sleep well due to it.
But that's just my own opinion, and in no means is binding.
I was contemplating something along these lines, but I wasn't sure how to actually make it work and still be able to trace it back to the one instance. I also liked the idea of it being a specific entity that was "trapped" inside of windows.
Separated description from discovery. PROTIP: It doesn't help.
I'm actually thankful for the criticisms that have been posted up; I added in a more psychological element, added in the part I MEANT to add in originally that the surface injuries were visibly being caused by something "cutting its way out" rather than cutting from the outside in, and also neatened/removed some other parts.
Also, is there something up with my Firefox or something? About 3 or 4 times I went to hit "save and continue" but instead it was like I hit "save" instead and it went back to the plain page instead of the editor.
Quite frankly, there is simply too much here. It is a massive wall of text that describes every detail of 965 in a very uninteresting way. It's like you wrote 965, thought to yourself, "Hmmm. This isn't creepy enough" and began piling on details.
It stares at you through the window, making you paranoid. Oh, and it also can move between windows. Oh, and it also starts cutting people in their sleep. Oh, and these cuts turn out to make runes of some kind. Oh, it also engraves the final rune in your heart. Oh, it also seems to be getting stronger each time it kills some one.
I love the idea of a creepy guy staring at you through your window who makes you piss blood. Everything else seems too much. I would be in favor of seeing this SCP stripped down. Less is more.
Edit: And the [DATA EXPUNGED] doesn't add to the creep factor without any hints. As it is, it seems like a bit of a cop-out.
Would it be kosher of me to edit this into a stripped-down fashion and repost? I've noticed most of the comments are in the piled-on nature of the details, which I admit sometimes becomes a failing of mine in writing.
Hard to believe this is already a stripped down version whose original outline involved enough testing records to make a page in and of themselves..
I have question about what inspired you to write this scp. I have heard of a video game called The Man in the Window. It is about a little rabbit who found a book when he came home. It was titled The Man in the Window. When his mom came home one night he told her that the man in his book was coming to get him. The Man breaks into their house to try and kidnap them and take them somewhere. The goal is to keep the man from kidnapping you or your son. The difference between the game and your SCP is that the SCP doesn't have a physical form, and doesn't end with you ending up missing.
Alright, gave this puppy one more whirl. Excised some of the more over-the-top aspects, trimmed down some redundancies (that I only noticed after about 6 re-reads) and altered it to a more psychological profile.
If anyone wants to add or edit in their own way, be my guest, this IS a community site after all. If it's still no good… Oh well, c'est la vie, it'll get downvoted into oblivion.
I like the picture, but we've already got a face what scares you from behind windows. I'd like to see that picture on a different concept, keep working on it.
This. Dammit Sorts you ninja me.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
Your main issues now are based in tense and grammar. I suggest going through it with the finest of fine-toothed combs, reading the entire thing out loud to someone else word-for-word if you have to, until you've fixed that.
Let me be clear. There are many reasons I could downvote this, mainly. I am upvoting it because I don't wanna see this shit in my window, so wharrblegarrble shudder.
This became significantly better. I'm not sure if i want to upvote, but i cancelled my downvote.
Good job so far.
(account deleted)