Unsure, need a look.

Summary:

Lack of access and blocking of the chats at school means I can't get on to post stuff for opinions in there but I would like someone to look at this.

Unsure, need a look.

Lumineinfinitus 20 Jul 2011 03:06

This is just an idea that's been on my mind for a while, if it's like an already existing SCP, well I couldn't find any like it and if someone says it is like something I won't argue the point. Anyway here it is http://sandbox.scp-wiki.net/lumine enjoy, tell me what's needed or if it is dead your call people.

Re: Unsure, need a look.

Bland 20 Jul 2011 04:27

1. Locks with passwords are computerized. Locks with combinations don't have to be.
2. it's current appearance is of a balding man of an extremely old age who is completely incapable of lying. What physical attribute is "incapable of lying"? Please rephrase.
3. "each section of its spine" - You mean vertebrae?
4. "seems to be replaced with various ports that seem to be able to integrate seamlessly with any and all computers that currently exist." I understand what you're going for - but this is very wrong.
5. Delete every instance of the word "however" and rephrase both sides of the sentences into two.
6. The last half screams "Marty Stu" - Sorry.

Re: Unsure, need a look.

Lumineinfinitus 20 Jul 2011 06:08

Thanks for that, fixing up. And I see where it comes off as a Marty Stu. But I still want the main thing behind it be it's a threat because of what it knows and because anyone can ask it for the information they want. Oh and cause it can wipe computers but -shrug-

Re: Unsure, need a look.

thedeadlymoose 20 Jul 2011 17:23

Since you're still addressing what Bland said, will leave off for now, but: Fix the it's / its issues. You have a ton of that going on.

Re: Unsure, need a look.

Lumineinfinitus 20 Jul 2011 22:19

Decided to delete and come up with something else. Likely with something let its/it's and I thought I fixed that with spell check.. But meh.

Re: Unsure, need a look.

Qirate 20 Jul 2011 23:27

Dang, it was gone before I could read it. From what I'm seeing I think it could have been saved. Instead of having him "unable to lie" have him have some form of autism where he collects data but can't interact well with people beyond answering fact-based questions. The special thing is the "improvements" on his body that let him interact with technology. His containment risk would be so people could just ask him something and he'd answer. Maybe they found him when he successfully hacked into the foundation and thus can't let him talk to anyone.

Re: Unsure, need a look.

Bland 21 Jul 2011 04:55

It happens. The only things that defeat us in writing is to not try.