Satisfactory. I see a few minor errors here and there, but nothing major. It seems almost based off of Bright's SCP-001.
The Long Con / Discussion
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(account deleted)Feel free to fix any grammatical errors; I wrote this on a laptop in a SUV driving on a bumpy road, so I admit there may be some issues.
The idea came from Bright's 001, yeah.
I'm fairly certain that typing on a laptop while driving can be hazardous to your health.
Worrying. But at least someone finally found a use for 682.
It seems a bit abrupt how easily Wild Bill just goes on a rant and dies, but that's minor. This is a pretty excellent take on the Factory.
(It also fits extremely well with Bright's SCP-001 proposal - I'm just imagining the O5 as Keats, now, spinning his line of bullshit for the next researcher in line after the events of this story.)
That sure is some purple and unrealistic dialogue.
I really wanted to upvote, but…
Damn, man.
Agreed with this, though it didn't kill the story entirely for me. Author, if you can take a look at that, maybe…
I don't really understand the main thrust of the story.
For me, there's not enough build-up before the turn in the story, meaning that it comes off as silly rather than frightening or thought-provoking. Bright's 001 proposal works because of the layers of deceit woven into the narrative, and the factory itself having a storied history. Here, it's two old dudes in a room talking to each other, and there's not a lot of characterization for either. The story just doesn't work for me. Like jokes, horror needs to be introduced with some background in order for us to be surprised by the punchline - dropping us in medias res to the final confrontation robs the story of a lot of its potential power.
(doing my best to be constructive.)
Apparently I keep coming back to this one.
Here's a suggestion, take or leave: It occurs to me that this story might be more effective - perhaps significantly more - if Keats doesn't actually kill Bill, but rather talks him down into continuing on with the long con. (Symbolically rather than literally killing him blah blah literature nerd blah blah.)
Just something to toss around…
For those of us who don't like sad endings where all of the character's we've come to know and love are implied to die horribly, here's the equally fictional sequel to the fictional story about the fictional origination known as the SCP foundation:
Keats was in his study, strangling a puppy, when suddenly Dr. Clef burst through the stained-glass window with a helicopter. "Drop the kitten, Keats!" he screamed. "I came here to do two things: Chew bubble gum and kick ass! And I decided to save the bubble gum for afterwards!"
"Impossible!" said Keats. "I trapped you in a building with an infinite number of cloned SCP-173s! How on earth did you survive!"
"It wasn't easy." said Clef, "But after days of trial and error, and thousands of casualties, we discovered that SCP-173 has a fatal weakness to guns and bullets!"
"Of course!" Keats exclaimed, "The one thing no one else had tried!" And he was so angry that he decided to shoot Delivery Agent Roadrunner with his sniper rifle for no good reason. He then held up the puppy and said "Stand back! If you shoot me, you'll shoot this puppy too!"
"THAT'S A SACRIFICE I'LL HAVE TO MAKE FOR THE GOOD OF THE FREE WORLD! AND PROBABLY SOME OF THE PARTS THAT ARN'T FREE EITHER!" and then Clef shot Keats and the puppy with a machine gun untill they both died.
"Tell me-" said Keats. "You could not have done this alone! Who set you up to this?"
"That is a secret to everyone." Said Clef. And then Keats died. "Mission accomplished." said Clef. "Keats is dead."
Meanwhile, in his secret Tropical Base, the incredibly studly and hansome Dr. Edison answered the radio while lounging in his big pile of money. "Of course he is. I planned it that way. All of my plans go that way beacuse I am the greatest researcher of all time. Now if you excuse me, I need to stop the Chaos Insurgency from stealing the economy of Russia." And then he left to go do just that.
This is why no such thing as canon on the Foundation website.
But seriously though: Good ideas that provide a new perspective on the Foudnation's activities, marred with awkward dialogue and pacing. And when you get down to it the story turns the foundation into the same old "White Man Screws Over Indians" story we've been hearing for decades.
I'm leaving an upvote here, it was originally somewhere else but now it is here.
I love this sequel so hard.
Also agreed with the critique on the original.
Sabitsuki is probably going to murder you in an alleyway, though.
Not just white man- evil english man. how grimly predictable.
But yeah, I enjoyed the concept.
/forum/t-364946/the-long-con#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06