First try at an SCP

Summary:

the little sun

First try at an SCP

SCPmaxi 06 Apr 2011 08:56

I had this idea for an SCP sitting in my head for a couple of days.

The SCP is a somewhat simple space/energy anomaly, but i felt the story of how it was researched / containted / treated by the Foundation and of eventual fates of some personnel involved was worthwhile.

Here be the sandbox article, hoping for some input )
http://scpsandboxwiki.wikidot.com/little-sun

Re: First try at an SCP

Ninteen45 06 Apr 2011 12:59

explanation on the classification should be elsewhere.

description before addendum.

update the containment. A strikethrough and some lines about using metal may work.

sphere might get downvotes.

some grammar and spelling fails, 3 is usually the class for these SCPs.

Letter would be better as an extended file or a collapsable file.

Re: First try at an SCP

SCPmaxi 06 Apr 2011 15:08

Thanks for the input )
Followed through on your advice for the classification, strikethrough, removal of spheres and getting rid of addendums.

Haven't found any grammar and spelling problems, will need to come back and re-check it later i guess.

Not sure how to make extended / collapsable files. Could use some tips on that.

Last edited on 06 Apr 2011 15:09 by SCPmaxi Show more

Re: First try at an SCP

DrEverettMann 06 Apr 2011 15:13

To be fair, considering it's basically a miniature sun, making it spherical (or at least its containment) makes a certain amount of sense. I wouldn't ding it based on that.

The bit with the Class D personnel manning the post is frankly idiotic, which you even acknowledge in the text. If you know it's something that the Foundation would have to be stupid to do, then don't have the Foundation do it, especially if the only real effect is to have a "humorous" addendum in the article.

Partially obscuring a researcher's name is sloppy. Blank out the entire name, or just go ahead and name the bastard.

I'd advise against the correspondence. Just make a note of precisely what was reported and the results. It doesn't really add anything to the article.

As to the SCP itself, it's just not that interesting. I'm fairly certain we've had the miniature sun idea at least once before, it not several times. The psychic effect seems tacked on to me.

I'd just go ahead and scrap this. Don't feel discouraged, though. It's your first SCP. It takes time to get the feel for these.

Re: First try at an SCP

existentialsocks 06 Apr 2011 15:53

The chronological history is really bad. Most of it has nothing to do with the SCP at all.

██/██/1984
Dr.██████, having served on SCP-565 site for a full 5 years, has requested a transfer, due to "That stupid Ivan being too hot-blooded for my old bones".

Why would we want to know this? This isn't the guy's personnel report. Ivan reads Mary Sue-ish to me, just because he's mentioned for no reason over and over.

"I'm here with a guy named Ivan. He is awesome. Has been here a year now, knows every tree and stump around here. He is all serious on the outside, but challenge him a bit, let him show off, and he really surprises you."
"A lot of staff, including my beloved Ivan, could be saved if we had energy reserves for at least one more day."

Also a few SPC instead of SCPs, and other grammar issues. 05-███ should have one block removed; there are only 12 or 13 of them. Also some tone issues, especially in the letters. Technically passable in that case, but hearing them talk about their epic readin' made me die a little inside. I was also wondering why they refer to it by its nickname over and over. Felt weird. And the tone in things like

Dr.A████skiy is sent to "sun duty" Reason cited as "Playing too much with safety rules".

doesn't have that excuse. Should be something more like "SCP-XXX assignment […] Inability to follow safety protocol". If there was any reason to include it at all. Which there really isn't. You obviously spent a lot of time on the history, but it just doesn't work.

Re: First try at an SCP

candidkiss 06 Apr 2011 17:57

It seems like it has potential, however I do see some room for improvement in a few places.

The entire article seems very busy. Ignoring the spelling and grammar mistakes throughout (I imagine they'll be corrected before the final version), there are still way too many short sentences and censor blocks. It's harder to read like that. Try to condense the information to more efficient and coherent sentences. Perhaps using less quotes from researchers and personnel?

On that note, the history of this SCPs effect on the surrounding researchers seems superfluous for a clinical article. It could work as an addendum or perhaps as a Foundation Tale after its been fleshed out some more.

Don't give up! :)

Re: First try at an SCP

Dexanote 06 Apr 2011 20:31

It's alright. However, we do already have a tiny star SCP.

Re: First try at an SCP

onetruesolipsist 07 Apr 2011 02:04

The most striking problem was the sometimes completely ridiculous dialogue:

"It is really awesome out here! There is that righteous ski slope right outside the post, the sunsets kick major behind, and the lil' sun makes it like an indoor resort inside. I am gettin' some epic readin' done in my shifts, got some ideas for some projects, too, my supe should be reading my proposals right now."

Do you really think an SCP researcher would talk like that? And what

Anyways, there's also the unnecessary Euclid classification, the unnecessary mind effect, the insufficiently professional tone and the fact that it's been done before.

I'd scrap it, or at least alter it significantly.

Last edited on 07 Apr 2011 02:06 by onetruesolipsist Show more

Re: First try at an SCP

SCPmaxi 07 Apr 2011 08:12

Hmmm, so to recap, just to make sure i got everything right.

Execution issues:
- The article is about SCP itself only, stories need to be in another place
- Lessen the use of black boxes
- Grammar … Which will be a problem it seems, as i have reread it once again and only found 1 problem (now fixed). Gonna have to find my 3rd grade english textbook (

Either way, gonna see what i can do about it.

Idea issues:
- Already have a star scp
- Needs to be less cheerful, more sciencey, inpersonal and vaguely ominous. Less of a sun and more of a chemical reaction.

… Which doesn't sit exactly right with me to be honest.

Is the author for the original star scp still around?

Last edited on 07 Apr 2011 08:22 by SCPmaxi Show more

Re: First try at an SCP

AdminBright 07 Apr 2011 08:37

SCP-037, the Dwarf Star, written by xthevilecorrupter, who hasn't said anything on site since 2009… I'd say no.

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Admin, SCP Wiki

Re: First try at an SCP

A Fat Ghost 07 Apr 2011 17:24

he probably is around still, but that's just one of the ones he moved over from the old site, so the real author's a mystery.

Re: First try at an SCP

tunedtoadeadchannel 07 Apr 2011 20:29

He's still around, but he just moved the article fr- damnit ghost.

In which yoric is beaten to the punch.