Need some peer review.
Well this is my first SCP and I'd like some feedback before posting it to the site.
http://scpsandboxwiki.wikidot.com/hugums
Ideas for improvement are greatly appreciated.
Need some peer review.
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» Need some peer review.
Summary:
Just lemme know what you think about my first SCP. Gimme some advice.
I'd advise against posting it. 'Tis obviously based on a greek myth (King Midas' golden touch, with the only minor differences being that the things that the SCP touches continue to function normally, and that it can make these golden things glow white for unknown reasons (aside from perhaps being a reference to the fact that Midas "first discovered black and white lead")) with no interesting twists added to it.
Besides, that second addendum is a horrible, horrible number 21 ("Humorous addenda talking about some shenanigan the staff did and what terrible punishment awaits if they do it again") from the list of cliches. Not only it's unfunny, but phrases like "thought it would be a good idea to screw around with 794" completely break the scientific tone that a SCP article should aim for.
Right, thanks. Anything i can do to make it worthy of posting?
I changed Addendum 2 to be much more professional while having the same result… gotta love how effective a well placed [DATA EXPUNGED] is.
No need to double post, Hugums. Click on "options" and "edit" to change your previous post.
It's, hmm, better, although it just feels unnecessary. Doesn't really add anything to the article, as it's fairly easy to deduce what happened, and the whole piece could do without it.
One more thing; although you describe in the article that the hand is organic, it's VERY obvious that the picture is a sculpture. You should either try to find a real desiccated hand, leave the article picture-less, or find an image of a golden statue/person painted in gold paint/whatever and describe it as "D-3542, after exposure to SCP-XXX".
It is surprisingly hard to find an image of a severed hand wearing a ring and i don't feel like cutting off my own :/
I didn't think the picture looked that much like a statue, more like a dehydrated hand, but if it seems so obvious then i'll definitely change it to something better. The reason for the addition for the second addendum was because i wanted to make it as clear as possible that the hand is not allowed to be used because it can be dangerous if used improperly. I'm going to re-write the addendum entirely and if it still seems unnecessary then i'll just chuck it.
Also, thanks for the tip on editing post, i'm not familiar with this forum format. I'm an SMF guy.
Why not? It's easy and you'll get a nice large can of red paint, for free!
*aham*
The problem with the picture is that, altough the hand itself looks alright (although I don't think that there are many centuries old hands with such salient veins), the sleeve and it's frill are obviously sculpted.
Also, that kind of sleeve did not exist in ancient greece.
The addendum would still be unecessary, because it's fairly obvious that a hand that can turn anything into gold would be dangerous if used improperly. It even part of the myth you based this thing article on (Midas touched his daughter, she became gold, yadda yadda sadness). It simply feels like padding. You could just mention that people seeking to use the hand needs O5 authorization in the containment proceedures instead of dedicating an addendum to it.
You're welcome^^
So, a few things.
First of all, how do they know the hand is from a man of Greek descent?
Second, how do they know it was "cemented in place within a tomb"? What about the stone flakes showed that it was in a tomb? Is there a particular material that would indicate it was in a tomb? If so, what was it?
How did they find out about the ring? Why would they attempt to move the ring when any false moves would turn the researcher to gold?
What's the purpose of the steel pedestal? If the goal is to keep it from falling and turning the floor to gold, wouldn't it be better to simply place the cushion on the floor, perhaps with a mat under it? Or just put it on the mat in the first place?
The Foundation has much better ways of making profit than creating gold. Creating gold on a scale necessary to fund Foundation activities would rapidly devalue gold worldwide.
What exactly is meant by "the object maintains all properties"? This is the only vaguely interesting bit in the entire article, and it only gets the one sentence. Explore this. I assume it means that objects retain their normal hardness, biological function, and chemical interactions. How, then, are they discernably made of gold, aside from color? What qualities of gold do they take on? Which ones do they not? A car engine made of gold won't function unless it retains certain properties of steel. Which properties are retained? Which ones aren't? Can a human made of gold digest? Talk? Bleed? How, exactly, does this change them?
That's pretty much what I've got. For the most part, this article just doesn't stand on its own. You've got only the one interesting hook, and you haven't really explored it. You've got some plot holes, and the tone's off at times. You've got a lot of work before this is a workable SCP.
My only nitpick is with the addenda.
Addendum-01: Because the alchemical properties of SCP-794 does not affect gold of a purity of 99.98% 0-5 has authorized the usage of the hand on a shock absorbent cushion so that the hand can lay down in a stable position without effecting the containment room.
I had to stare at this a while to make sense of it. I had thought the hand came into custody with its own cushion, why would a new one have to be authorized? Also, it's O5, not O-5.
[DATA EXPUNGED]
[REDACTED]
Addendum-03: The ability to turn seemingly anything into gold is an incredibly profitable ability. For this purpose, if needed, SCP-794 will be used for the good of the foundation as a source of funding.
Tonal issues with this one, primarily in the first sentence. Here's my recommendation:
Addendum-03: The ability to turn most matter into gold has immense potential use to the Foundation. With this in mind, if needed, SCP-794 will be used as a source of funding.
Yeah yeah i fixed that second addendum please remove the quote i feel like an idiot for it. As for the first addendum i'm probably going to re write the the containment procedures. and if you don't mind i'm going to use your correction to addendum-03. I was having troubles wording it myself and was kind of rushed in doing it, my intent was to go back and fix it when i had the time and proper vocabulary in mind.
Feel free, I'm not going to give a suggestion and tell you to not use it.
Also, Hugums, it's O5, not 05, as in Overseer 5, not Zero Five.
And my version of the third addendum:
Addendum-03: The ability to turn most matter into gold has immense potential to destabilize the global economy. It is therefore not recommended that it be used as a source of funding, except in limited, controlled amounts.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
