This is mine

Summary:

it's a semi-humanoid, kinda

This is mine

Cherry Pict 15 Mar 2011 23:09

here it is

in case i don't write very clearly: it's a very vaguely human-shaped thing that is always trying to move in one direction. it can walk through everything that doesn't have a strong electrical charge, and occasionally it has extrusions that it uses to mess with solid things and/or stimulate your expunged data with extreme prejudice.

yoric wrote a story about it: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/encounter

i'm told all it really needs now is a picture. i'm working on that bit by making a life-size SCP-XXX, but until it's finished, critique of the actual writing would be marvelous.

Re: This is mine

tunedtoadeadchannel 16 Mar 2011 04:00

You already know I like it, but I'm a bit biased.

DEXANOTE, GET IN HERE.

Anyone else who's fond of reading drafts, too.

Re: This is mine

Salman Corbette 16 Mar 2011 04:07

Needs a little bit of changing in diction, but the writing as a whole doesn't seem too bad. I don't know if it's the description itself or the concept, but it's very hard to imagine this thing. The vague image I do get, however, is really cool. And yes, it definitely needs a picture. We need to get a team of shoopers on this site. I haven't actually read the story, but looking at the SCP, the part about it being blocked by electrical fields just seems to be thrown in. Maybe it makes more sense in the story, but as Yoric is fond of saying, if an article needs logs or something else to back it up, it ain't good.

Re: This is mine

Cherry Pict 16 Mar 2011 04:17

Needs a little bit of changing in diction

don't leave me hanging like that you cruel bastard

(no i am not serious about the cruel bastard part. i am really curious what this part means)

Last edited on 16 Mar 2011 04:19 by Cherry Pict Show more

Re: This is mine

Salman Corbette 16 Mar 2011 04:24

Oh fine. I took the liberty of fixing a few things. You should have others do some revision, though.

(What I meant was some of your choices in wording sounded a little awkward or non-clinical.)

Last edited on 16 Mar 2011 04:26 by Salman Corbette Show more

Re: This is mine

RhettSarlin 16 Mar 2011 04:24

pretty cool, curious what its southwestern destination is….

Re: This is mine

Cherry Pict 16 Mar 2011 04:48

"home"

Re: This is mine

SophosBlitz 16 Mar 2011 05:35

I couldn't help but think that it was a Magneton/Magnezone/Metagross with a Tachikoma face and tentacles.

I think it's alright but it feels very…bare. Other than the constant traveling thing, I think there's nothing significant that isn't given in the story.

(Why can't the Foundation just take the SCP on a trip in the mobile Faraday cage in isolated areas to triangulate its final destination? Two~three non-parallel lines would intersect exactly at the point wherever it's headed.)

Re: This is mine

Cherry Pict 16 Mar 2011 05:56

I couldn't help but think that it was a Magneton/Magnezone/Metagross with a Tachikoma face and tentacles.

i don't know what that means. i'm going to assume they're references to an anime i've never heard of.

(Why can't the Foundation just take the SCP on a trip in the mobile Faraday cage in isolated areas to triangulate its final destination? Two~three non-parallel lines would intersect exactly at the point wherever it's headed.)

because it will just keep going around the planet over and over. shall i point that out in the article, or what?

Re: This is mine

tunedtoadeadchannel 16 Mar 2011 05:56

Could be worth pointing out, though I have a better suggestion I'll PM.

Re: This is mine

Salman Corbette 16 Mar 2011 05:57

You've never heard of Pokemon?

I think clarifying that in the article would be nice.

Re: This is mine

tunedtoadeadchannel 16 Mar 2011 06:20

There are only 151 pokemon.

Re: This is mine

Salman Corbette 16 Mar 2011 06:23

Magneton was in the original 151

Re: This is mine

tunedtoadeadchannel 16 Mar 2011 06:25

Oh hey, so it was. I guess I'm gonna go back to not remembering that now.

Re: This is mine

Cherry Pict 16 Mar 2011 06:24

don't start, dear

anyway i'll try to work something out. the trouble is the object would really not end up anywhere unless it attained the velocity necessary to escape earth's gravity, and it can't do that.

plus i can't imagine the foundation gives a shit terribly much so. unless they think it might be pointing out the exact location of the apocalypse or something.

Re: This is mine

SophosBlitz 16 Mar 2011 07:42

The Foundation always cares. That's what super secret conspiracies do with their time and money. I know I'd ask where it's trying to head to and request appropriate tests and/or recon.

If its destination is at some point not on the surface of the Earth, I'm sure the Foundation would point a telescope directly above the triangulated point (or dig under said point). Since it heads in the same direction all the time, it's probably something that is synced with the Earth's orbit around the sun. I'm pretty sure the Foundation would be interested. Make the reader interested too.