SCP Help.

Summary:

Altering another decomm bait SCP and tone fixing...

SCP Help.

Ninteen45 15 Mar 2011 21:53

http://scpsandboxwiki.wikidot.com/ninteen45

I'd like help on both AAA and XXX.

I want to keep the formula for AAA. I also want to try and avoid the marty stu-ness which I know is reeking on this one. I haven't finished the logs but you get the idea of how odd they'll be from the first.

XXX was an old idea based on a dream and 231. I wanted an SCP that has Fritzl Esque undertones and a person you want to feel bad for but get creeped out by slightly. Chubness (I think) suggested adding a more demanding character to the cadaver. I think the tone is off. any suggestions, I'm only good a purple prose.

Re: SCP Help.

Lumancer 16 Mar 2011 01:53

I apologize in advance for excessive brevity to the point of bluntness.

+ Show feedback for AAA

currently uncontainable

Yoric (among others) will devour your soul for that sentiment, no matter HOW you word it.

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Disobeying these commands is its own punishment.

No. Completely inappropriate for a document of this style.

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luminous metallic ball of light

What. Also, redundant.

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See Formula AAA-1 for how this happens.

Severely off tone.

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The object also has a habit of "reversing" time to whenever a door is open to bypass locks, and has ruined several interviews by not talking on chronological order.

Slightly muddled. Also, tone.

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light altering cameras

Vague to the point that it doesn't mean anything.

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Interview log adds nothing to this.

The formula was an interesting surprise, though the lack of annotation accompanying the figure kills any impact it might have.

+ Show feedback for XXX

system. within Site ██.

Grammar.

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Every week, all stationed guards must switch out

Tone.

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Site-XX

Inconsistent. Either redact it or don't.

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and the emergency gaseous pump system will activate until manual override and maintenance.

Grammar.

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with an exception

"the" exception, not "an".

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SCP-XXX is a 5.6m3 cuboid

Big list of overdone SCP stuffs #13

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Any attempts to damage the concrete result in the gases being emitted at a higher level than usual, which necessitates evacuation of the room

Tone. Grammar. Awkward.

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between the age of [DATA REDACTED] years of age.

Redundant.

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Said entity is known as SCP-XXX-1.

Should probably be "designated" not "known as"

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After prolonged exposure (approx. 2 mins.) a voice […]

Missing a noun. Presumably refers to human subjects exposed to the block.

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Due to constant emmisions caused by SCP-XXX, the lack of anomalous effects and the usefulness of the emissions, all gases from SCP-XXX are to be collected for use as industrial resources.

Awkward. Run-on. Spelling.

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who have talked to it.

"spoken with it"

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Due to the nature and history of the SCP, all personnel must report for psychological re-evaluation

Its nature and history do not in any way suggest a need for regular psych evals. We have personnel that freak out far less over far more disturbing material. Also big list of overdone SCP stuffs #6

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The dialog in the interview log feels off.

And above all else, why in hell's name can't they just drill into it with a robot or some such? If the only threat is toxic gas, this makes very little sense. Even if you take into account the (implied?) explosive qualities of the gasses.

The only hint of a hook I'm seeing in this is the implication that the Foundation has given up this girl and is treating her as a glorified (albeit whiny) methane well. And even then I'm not even sure how well that would go.

EDIT: Gosh I formatted that badly >.>
EDIT EDIT: Wikidot's handling of newlines in this context is ABYSMAL.

STAFF EDIT: Jesus, lumancer. That's a helluva long post. Use collapsible for stuff like that from now on, k? -yoric
3x EDIT: My sincere apologies. Cleaned up the collapse.

Last edited on 16 Mar 2011 02:19 by Lumancer Show more

Re: SCP Help.

Ninteen45 16 Mar 2011 17:23

Dropping AAA and continuing work on XXX.

Done most of the stuff you asked of me and added two addenda. Also made the awkward Convo justified and a little less awkward.

Re: SCP Help.

SpoonOfEvil 16 Mar 2011 07:22

Reading through these, the articles are not only uninteresting, but pretty badly written. Both articles suffer from a lot of spelling and grammatical errors that I'm sure Lumancer has already covered.

Here are my beefs with the specific articles.

SCP-AAA
- Basically, it's an anomalous orb. That concept has been done to death. There's seriously a lot more creative ways to shape your item.
- Time travel? Not creative at all. We already have SCPs that pull off the time travel angle much better, and there's nothing special about this one.
- Putting up mathematical formulas just to make your article look cool is acceptable, as long as you explain what the hell it's supposed to mean.

SCP-XXX
- It's indestructible for no apparent reason other than because you say so. That's a huge cop out to prevent people from just opening up the damn thing.
- It's a concrete box that leaks toxic gas. Whoop de freaking doo.

Last edited on 16 Mar 2011 07:22 by SpoonOfEvil Show more

Re: SCP Help.

Dexanote 16 Mar 2011 16:57

We have like six to eight time-displacement based items (the passive rip in time is my favourite, next to the one lighthouse with the fog. Not the shipwreck one.) The math (to me), makes it look kinda pretentious. That's just me though.

The XXX wounds almost exactly like the old 022, only 022 made you into metal zombies as well, with acid fog. It's just… not an amazing idea.

Re: SCP Help.

Chubert 16 Mar 2011 17:43

022 was the one that was strikingly similar, yeah. It was deleted for a reason, namely, it being pretty boring. Your dialogue is very stilted as well. I don't believe you know what the word "memetic," means, read Understanding-Memetics and be enlightened.

The Earth is a very big place. Something that emits gas constantly is really not qualified for Keter.

Re: SCP Help.

Ninteen45 16 Mar 2011 17:50

It is still euclid.

Okay, need a new wording for that.

Any suggestions?

Re: SCP Help.

Ninteen45 17 Mar 2011 17:00

Changed memetic to psychic and other stuff.

Any more advice?

Re: SCP Help.

Dr Blank 17 Mar 2011 18:40

Yeah, drop psychic. It's a scientific document, and it's not really appropriate.

Re: SCP Help.

Sorts 17 Mar 2011 21:44

I think "psychic" has been used in documents around here before, actually.

… Chubert why did you say that is not memetic? It would certainly be fine to hypothesize that talking with a disembodied voice might carry a memetic effect.

BUT the larger problem is that there's simply no reason to assume that the thing has any kind of compulsory power whatsoever. Talking to a disembodied voice that is begging for release can be demoralizing for perfectly mundane (but still memetic!) reasons.

Re: SCP Help.

Chubert 18 Mar 2011 02:42

…and that was a bit of conflation of "memetic" and "memetic virus" on my part. Also, if you don't want to use "psychic," "telepathic" could work as well.

Before you post this, I would really consider working around the whole "this thing is pretty much an old deleted SCP" issue.

Last edited on 18 Mar 2011 02:42 by Chubert Show more

Re: SCP Help.

Ninteen45 18 Mar 2011 16:57

Don't really see how it is an old deleted SCP. I know it has some similarities, yes, but I am trying to diverge from "Steel cube that releases gas which makes zombies" by making most of those details non existant.

It's like saying "Iris" and "Able" are the same as they are "SCP humans with well developed personalities and apparent character development within their own articles while being involved with aiding the foundation." It only makes them sound similar if it is vauge by forgetting that they are opposite sexes, Iris doesn't help the foundation anymore cause she's having trouble being in containment and has powers involving cameras and Able is a killfrenzy immortal on an exploding dog collar who is stationed at the red pool killing things.

If you are convinced it sounds the same as The Cube, tell me what to do and don't be vauge please…

Sorts does get my idea of the voice perfectly.

Last edited on 18 Mar 2011 17:01 by Ninteen45 Show more

Re: SCP Help.

Chubert 18 Mar 2011 20:13

Really the important part of the issue isn't that it it's similar to 022, it's that the old 022 sucked, and this just reminds you of it. A lot.

(The cube was also cracked, made of concrete, released more gas when you tried to get it, and was toxic as well, but that's besides the point.)

I would make it more…exciting. I've written an SCP where the main catch is the little girl begging for release and I must admit I think that SCP sucks. You need to have something other than the creepy little girl. Make it so that the creepy little girl is doing something other than begging for release, or perhaps make it a lot more obvious that the girl knows something that we don't. I know that there's the implication right now that it's much more sinister than it appears, but…eh, you're dialogue doesn't really cut it in that regard.

That's another thing. Your dialogue. Work on it. Stuff like…

Discussion cannot continue when you are enraged.

Yeah. Er. No. I would read a lot of the interview logs attached to high-rated articles, the highly-rated Foundation Tales, and ask a bit of the more experienced writers about this. As-is the dialogue is pretty stilted.

(also Able has been re-written. Go and read him again.)

Re: SCP Help.

Ninteen45 19 Mar 2011 00:53

Damn, Able got bored.

Anyway, altered the line after you pointed it out.

Re: SCP Help.

thedeadlymoose 19 Mar 2011 04:29

I've only ever read the current version of Able. I like him because he's creepy and psychopathic and only interested in ever more entertaining versions of slaughter, and that the Foundation knew all of this and used him anyway. And then [REDACTED] the aftermath.

In light of this, I'm curious to know what the original version looked like.

Last edited on 19 Mar 2011 04:30 by thedeadlymoose Show more

Re: SCP Help.

tunedtoadeadchannel 19 Mar 2011 08:51

History link at the bottom of the page, kiddo. Click it, choose a version, click V to view it. Never click R.

Re: SCP Help.

thedeadlymoose 20 Mar 2011 04:08

D'oh! I completely forgot about that. Thanks, yoric. =)

Re: SCP Help.

Dr Blank 18 Mar 2011 14:54

Telepathic is much better, Chubert. My problem with "psychic" is that it generally descriptive, and I feel that an official scientific record like this would be more precise. Telepathic is clearly defined.

Re: SCP Help.

Ninteen45 19 Mar 2011 19:08

Added a pic. just saying.

Re: SCP Help.

Ninteen45 20 Mar 2011 15:56

Anyway, As much as Chubert's suggestion of making the girl seem more malicious sounds interesting (Although not what I really wanted for the article.) I'm leaving XXX-1 as it is. I'll post it up later today, but if you guys can spot any further refining that still leaves the article unambiguous (I don't want the article ending with some sort of note that practically calls it satan in a box or something.) feel free to post and i'll hold it off for a few more days.

Re: SCP Help.

Ninteen45 05 Apr 2011 20:38

Okay… any more help for XXX.

Re: SCP Help.

Sorts 05 Apr 2011 20:46

I like the idea of XXX but the tone needs a lot of work, it feels disjointed and isn't very engaging. But the idea itself is good, and so is the picture.

Stash what you have as a rough draft and try starting from scratch with the same idea. It's a block of concrete with a dead girl inside, but she's still talking. Describe it from there. The toxic gasses are fine but don't use them as a way for this thing to be dangerous, the Foundation is going to contain it simply on the basis of what it is and a girl entombed in concrete but still begging for release is creepy on its own.

Re: SCP Help.

Ninteen45 05 Apr 2011 23:54

I'll make a draft without the methene and rancidin stuff coming out. (I do still think it is an important feature, but that is within the original context of which it was derived.)

Re: SCP Help.

Ninteen45 07 Apr 2011 22:59

Yeah, any last bits of advice?