A new SCP
http://scpsandboxwiki.wikidot.com/spoonofevil-s-sandbox
Been a long time since I put a new one up, so getting some feedback on this one would be nice.
A new SCP
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» A new SCP
I don't think you've quite mastered the clinical style that SCPs are written in. "A disturbing side effect is…", "What's even odder…" You've written in a style that would be detached for a conversation between friends, but I still wouldn't expect even that many adjectives in a report like this.
And the last line is corny, as-is. I like the idea - that they've manage to translate a little bit of what he's saying and it hints at terrible suffering - but the delivery needs more subtlety. Show, don't tell. Maybe a longer paragraph where he's cussing his handlers out, but with untranslated gaps in the message, so we get just enough information to imagine how tormented he is without it being handed to us so obviously.
Kinda reminiscent of the microbial mutagen, except in human form.
Well that's not its primary "ability". The SCP's defining feature is that it doesn't die normally, yet at the same time can't get rid of the infections its afflicted with. As a side effect, it's literally a walking disease bomb.
It just doesn't grab me, personally.
Besides minor tone issues and way too long paragraphs, I'm afraid this one is too similar to SCP-353 to work.
Hm, that's true. She apparently slipped through my search efforts.
/forum/t-324395/a-new-scp#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
