So this is probably definitely the weirdest thing I've written.
Thanks to 
Tufto (extra credit for coming up with the original idea for this), 
The Great Hippo, 
Varaxous, 
DrBleep, 
Mortos, 
SpookyPizza, 
Anborough, 
Weryllium (bonus points for coming up with the OTF name), and 
A Random Day for crit!
Special thanks to the IAU for having enough named asteroids that served as excellent fuel, and to my computer's Task Manager for giving ideas on what to do with the computer text excerpt diagnostics.
For the user that left a draft in this slot:
**Item #:** SCP-3070
**Object Class:** --Safe-- Euclid
**Special Containment Procedures:** --SCP-3070 is to be contained within the private bedroom of Dr. ████ ██████. Any personnel may use SCP-3070 if the specific personnel have approval from Dr. ██████. Approved personnel may only have up to 1 hour with SCP-3070. Any further contact with SCP-3070 after the 1 hour of allotted time is strictly forbidden (See description as to why).--
SCP-3070 is to be contained within a 15 x 15 x 10 meter soundproof container with windows on the northern and western sides of the containment area. A minimum of 1 security personnel must be outside of SCP-3070's containment area at all times. Any unauthorized personnel within 20 meters begin to slowly shuffle towards SCP-3070's containment are to be terminated on sight. Any unauthorized personnel are strictly forbidden to have any form of communication with SCP-3070. In order for any experimentation with SCP-3070, personnel must have a clearance level of 3 or higher.
**Description:** SCP-3070 is a 90 in. x 79 in. x 51.5 in. Off-White King sized bed. The origin of SCP-3070 is unknown, since it supposedly cannot remember where it came from. The properties of SCP-3070 are currently unknown, although it is described by D-4███ being "Really [DATA EXPUNGED]
