Pretty good.
Minor nitpick: In the interview log, the paragraph that describes the testing on the tar should be labeled with something or italicized to make it clear that's not the girl speaking. As it is, it's a bit confusing.
SCP-384 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-384.
Downvoted due to poor use of expungement.
Once an individual is positioned directly in front of SCP-384, he or she will be instructed to “reach forwards.” At this point in conversation, most individuals report that SCP-384-1 has taken on a pleading tone of voice. It is impossible to conventionally open SCP-384 without otherwise damaging or destroying it, but individuals who at this point [DATA EXPUNGED]. No recorded [DATA EXPUNGED] correspond to any observed [DATA EXPUNGED] within an opened SCP-384. Retrieval attempts have been deemed by Dr. F████ to be too risky, given that the only personnel lost so far have been D-Class. SCP-384-1 will express confusion at this event and will repeatedly ask why the light has vanished. Interviewers noted increased signs of distress after a [DATA EXPUNGED].
This is contentless bullshit.
Well, I did follow your advice regarding writing the whole thing first. I rewrote it a bit to accommodate less parts being Expunged:
"Once an individual is positioned directly in front of SCP-384, he or she will be instructed to “reach forwards.” At this point in conversation, most individuals report that SCP-384-1 has taken on a pleading tone of voice. It is impossible to conventionally open SCP-384 without otherwise damaging or destroying it, but individuals who at this point attempt to open SCP-384 are encompassed by an abrupt explosion of [DATA EXPUNGED] can be seen through the open doorway. No recorded [DATA EXPUNGED] correspond to the observed location, though personnel who have been to the Los Angeles [DATA EXPUNGED] have reported similarities. Retrieval attempts have been deemed by Dr. F████ to be too risky, given that the only personnel lost so far have been D-Class. SCP-384-1 will express confusion at this event and will repeatedly ask why "the light has vanished." Interviewers noted increased signs of distress after this event occurs."
I think the censorship on this article doesn't make any sense either. I'd honestly recommend removing ALL of your expungements at this point, they aren't tweaking the imagination or lending an air of mystery to this.
That's much better. I think this was a case of too much and too specific in terms of expungement.
You could blank out everything to do with what happens when someone tries to open the door at 384's urging, from the tar explosion and getting sucked into the tar fields on the other side, but leaving so much of it in place and replacing "the Los Angeles La Brea tar fields" with "the Los Angeles [DATA EXPUNGED]" had ruined the benefit of leaving some things to the imagination.
I like it. An idea done before once or twice, but feels totally original! I can't find anything wrong with it, except why it does what it does makes no sense. But then again, what makes sense anywhere? Upvoted!
I'm not sure what to feel about this one. It seems relatively interesting, but I am missing any implications you are making. I am also not entirely clear on what exactly the SCP is. Is it the door, the building, what? I may have misread it, but you basically said that the SCP manifests itself as a door to the building, so really it's the building that is the SCP isn't it? Also, how was this "auctioned", and how was it moved? I am just having trouble wrapping my head around what is going on in a practical sense.
I am holding off judgment until I can get a better feel for what in the world is going on.
Also, a few minor nitpicks (none of these are downvote worthy, just little things that you may want to look into). "Besides its unusual adhesive properties, the tar has no paranormal effects and will behave completely normally once taken out of a room (hence its lack of an SCP designation)." The parentheses part at the end seems out of place in my opinion. It isn't very clinical; simply stating that it behaves normally is good enough for us to understand why it is not SCP-384-2. I feel like it is the same as saying "Since I didn't have any reason to, I didn't eat dirt today." We just assume the standard.
"Furthermore, SCP-384-1 will gauge personnel’s location relative to SCP-384 by the sound of an individual’s footsteps or breathing: personnel who walk away from SCP-384 apparently sound softer to SCP-384-1." How do we know this? Why does she need to know where they are relative to the door anyway?
"No recorded alternate dimensions correspond to the location observed through SCP-384, though personnel who have been to the Los Angeles La Brea tar fields have reported similarities." First off, unless there is something distinctive (like a green sky or two suns), I see no reason to assume an alternate dimension, when it could just be some actual location on Earth or something. Also, I am assuming the Foundation loses contact at that point, so how do they know what it looks like? (Again, I may be misunderstanding what is going on, but I feel like if that is the case you need to try and articulate a little bit better what the actual situation is).
"That was the best Assistant Researcher I've seen in years and this is bull[EXPLETIVE REDACTED]. -Dr. F████". Two things bug me about this. First off, this statement, while it establishes that the assistant was probably influenced in some way, does not actually add to the understanding of the SCP, so I personally would not include it. Secondly, if you are going to have someone swear, I prefer if you just say the swear word. Redacting cursing just seems childish to me, but others on the site may disagree.
Anyway, like I said, none of that stuff I mentioned is going to cost you an upvote from me, they are just little minor things about the article that bugged me a bit. The main issues I'm having are A) understanding what is going on and B) the practical implications of acquiring and containing the SCP.
EDIT: One last little thing, this article is LONG. I have copied the standard I believe Quik told me about; when it all possible, try to make it so the text doesn't go very far past the menu bar on the left. Many SCPs will do this anyway, and it is especially forgivable when there are a lot of logs on the page which take up more room, but if you can cut this one down a bit I think it would do wonders. If there is still too much to include to fully flesh it out, then write a test or incident log. (Again, take everything I say with a grain of salt, many others I'm sure disagree with me and think it's fine).
EDIT EDIT: I just noticed the irony of me telling you yours is too long when my post is almost a full page. HA!
Almost four years later and all of these things are still issues. -1 for lack of tone, the Foundation knowing things it couldn't about the scip (like the footstep thing), and generally being kinda hard to follow what's going on a lot of the time.
The article isn't bad, but the picture is pretty clearly a drawing.
I do appreciate the article for it's story and original content, albeit I have a similar problem as DrSevere: What exactly is the connection between sadistic clients and the SCP? +1
I've read and reread it, and I still can't figure out the "implications to its motives." The best explanation I can come up with is that 384 stores the (still living?) bodies of the people who approach the light and open the door. It then gives them to sociopaths to torture or something.
/forum/t-290948/scp-384#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
