SCP-XXX: Murphy

Summary:

My first real attempt at an SCP

SCP-XXX: Murphy

DrSevere 06 Jul 2010 21:30

Hey guys, this is my first attempt at an SCP: http://scpsandboxwiki.wikidot.com/severe

Its the first one, not the second one. The second one was kind of a trial run, and I don't really intend to ever post it.

Anyway, any feedback you guys could give me, positive or negative, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Re: SCP-XXX: Murphy

Dr Dan 09 Jul 2010 21:45

How about the most simple plan of all: walk up and beat him to death?

Re: SCP-XXX: Murphy

tunedtoadeadchannel 09 Jul 2010 22:19

Are you trying to be funny? Stop trying.

Re: SCP-XXX: Murphy

Sylocat 07 Jul 2010 01:34

Hmm, it's a very interesting idea. Of course, we are the Special CONTAINMENT Procedures Foundation, so maybe this could be a sidestory? I think this has massive potential for a Foundation Tale or two.

Re: SCP-XXX: Murphy

DrSevere 07 Jul 2010 04:17

Not a bad point, but I was almost going for "the only way to contain him is to not contain him" type of deal. I could add something to the effect of "if anyone has any ideas on how to contain him, feel free to make suggestions. Just don't go attempting it without authorization."

Re: SCP-XXX: Murphy

DrSevere 08 Jul 2010 04:58

Not to sound whiny, but I would really appreciate more feedback on this. I want it to be as perfect as possible before I try to post it, so any advice anyone, especially more experienced members, could give me would be amazing. Thanks!

Re: SCP-XXX: Murphy

MalcolmMacLean 08 Jul 2010 05:58

You've still got all those historical references. I'm not sure that's a good thing.

Also, it's unclear to me whether his mere presence causes things to fail (in which case, why doesn't it go farther? Why isn't this man followed by a trail of wrecked cars, industrial accidents, and birds flying into windows?), or whether things just fail when they happen to him (in which case, again, why doesn't it go farther? Why are people successful at spotting him or even talking to him but not actually laying hands on him?). The historical examples you've given seem to suggest both; people fail to hurt him AND he causes (some) failures wherever he goes.

Are you trying to make this SCP a force of nature, or a reality-bender with a mean streak?

Re: SCP-XXX: Murphy

DrSevere 08 Jul 2010 12:43

Thanks for the advice. I replaced the Hiroshima thing with something a bit more vague, and added a line explaining that he leaves a trail of minor destruction wherever he goes, but not really enough for authorities to notice unless they are looking for it. Ideally I was going for a force of nature type of thing with this guy, with an ability that just also protects him if you get too aggressive against him.

Again, thanks for the feedback!

Re: SCP-XXX: Murphy

SimpleCadence 09 Jul 2010 01:17

As far as the ability goes, it starts straying into the realm of supervillain ability once it starts protecting the guy. Why not make it just as much a curse for him, i.e. the ability makes everything he tries go wrong as well? He might even want to go into Foundation custody (though I don't know how he even knows the Foundation exists) but every time he tries it goes horribly awry.

The logs seem sort of unnecessary. I get that he is a walking focus of misfortune from reading the main entry, the logs just repeat it over and over again.

And I don't really like the agent's audio log, or a lot of the side notes from Dr. whatever. They seem unprofessional.

Just my 2 cents.

Re: SCP-XXX: Murphy

DrBobson 09 Jul 2010 23:05

I posted some thoughts in your introduction thread. Most of them still seem relevant.

Re: SCP-XXX: Murphy

DrSevere 10 Jul 2010 13:36

Thanks for all the feedback guys, it looks like I need to do some serious restructuring. I'll post again when it is ready for re-evaluation.