Suggestions on my Draft
(account deleted) 05 Jun 2017 22:57
The draft is at http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/bauerbach.
I am looking for feedback and critique.
Suggestions on my Draft
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» Suggestions on my Draft
Summary:
I am looking for suggestions on how I can improve my draft.
(account deleted) 05 Jun 2017 22:57
Sure author, let's take a look at this!
The area where SCP-XXXX was originally discovered has been blocked off with a sign saying that toxic waste is present in the area.
This is a good reason, but it could be worded a bit more clinical. Something like:
''A perimeter has been established around the area of discovery. Any unauthorized individuals attempting to enter the containment zone are to be turned away on ground of toxic waste hazard.''
The Foundation has teamed up with local authorities to redirect traffic.
Same here:
''Local authorities can assist in redirecting traffic from the containment zone.''
All areas with instances of SCP-XXXX on them are to be blocked off if this does not disrupt anything related to human civilization.
Do you mean surfaces? If so, you can phrase it something like:
''All surfaces manifesting SCP-XXXX are to be removed or otherwise covered from public view so long as this poses no risk of disrupting public awareness.''
Otherwise, they are to be cleaned up, as this gets rid of the effects,
Okay, so the first part of the sentence can be a sentence of it's own. Right now this is a bit of a run-on sentence. You might say something like:
''If deemed possible, instances of SCP-XXXX are to be removed.''
And leave the part where the effects are neutralized to the description.
and instances of SCP-XXXX-2 are to be contained in a standard humanoid containment chamber at Site-12 with no windows, guarded by personnel of security clearance level 3 or higher.
So if we split the sentences up we get something like:
''All instances of SCP-XXXX-2 are to be contained in a standard humanoid containment chamber at Site-12. The chambers are devoid of windows and are to be guarded by security officers of level 3 clearance.''
This is purely opinion, but I feel that level 3 is fairly high. In the security clearance guide, we read the following:
Level 3 security clearances are given to senior security and research personnel that require in-depth data regarding the source, recovery circumstances, and long-term planning for anomalous objects and entities in containment.
Do you think that level 3, so requiring in-depth data, is absolutely necessary for guards like this?
Aerosol cans are not allowed in the chamber.
Yeah, this sort of goes without saying.
In the event of a breach, any aerosol cans are to be removed from the area. 2 D-Class personell are to clean any graffiti.
Isn't it easier to just remove those all-together even without a containment breach? You misspelled 'personnel'.
and the ones painted with red paint are always fancy, while the black ones are more plain and simple.
Try to refrain from using words like 'fancy', since that's not an objective term. Instead, use something like 'more detailed' or 'ornate'.
Whenever anyone is around the graffiti for 5 minutes, they will lose all care for the state of human civilization.
I'd change this to something like:
''Exposure to SCP-XXXX-1 for approximately 5 minutes will result in a drastic change in perception of society in the subject. Specifically, subjects report losing emotional investment in the well-being and success of a society as a whole, as well as their participation.''
This compels them
Compelling is a bit of a dirty word nowadays, so you might get around it by saying something like:
''Subjects usually feel motivated to create more graffiti,''
Many business owners near SCP-XXXX-1 have reported increased thefts, causing them to lose money
Well, yes. Stealing from someone usually results in them losing money, you don't have to mention that.
Also, it the word "Apathy"
if*
is written in anything other than black or fancy red text, then being around it for five minutes or longer results in [DATA EXPUNGED].
The feeling I get from this is that you weren't sure what to write here. If that's true, other readers will probably notice it as well. Try to make sure that if you expunge or redact something, you (the author) know what was supposed to be there.
SCP-XXXX was brought to the Foundation's attention due to an unusual number of buildings, signs, or poles with the word "Apathy" spray-painted on them, each of them causing nearby people, who were usually law-abiding citizens, to feel urges to commit crimes.
Ah, but how do they know? Why didn't the local authorities become involved first? Keep in mind that as the author, you know the entire story, but the Foundation needs to have discovered what it knows about the SCP object through observation and experimentation. You'll need to convince your reader that someone with no prior knowledge whatsoever of the anomaly managed to somehow figure out (not magically know!) all the information you've got in the article.
Alright, on to my thoughts in general:
I think this is an interesting idea with a very underdeveloped progression. Apart from the nitpicks above, you do a well enough job of explaining how this SCP works. However, you don't actually go anywhere with that.
Here's a good example of what I mean: Here's an example of the opposite: SCP-3008. On the most basic level, it's a portal to another dimension. That has been done a lot, so why does it work anyway? It works because it uses the 'portal to another dimension' as a catalyst for the story. It revolves around the people responding to the object, the exploration of the object. It's more than describing what it is. The SCP enables a story to be told. The author could have described what is was really well and left it at that, but I think that it would have done much worse if that were the case.
Feedback over, good luck!
Do I have to use different words than you suggested? I am sure even the authors of 914 or 682 had to go through all this too, so I am NOT giving up!
Feel free to use my examples, you'll get the hang of it.
When this succeeds, I will thank you all!
bauerbach does not match any existing user name: Instead of replying to your own comments, edit your previous post using the "edit" function under the "options" tab to the lower right of every comment. That prevents spam buildup, and it's in the rules.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
