SCP-3456 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-3456.

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DrBleep 01 Apr 2017 00:57

Welp, here we go folks. This is my attempt for the 3000 contest, I hope you all enjoy.

I originally wanted to include an image…however I was unable to find anything realistic. I did find an Image I felt fit the mood of the article, but unfortunately it's a painting. I'll attach it below.

Many thanks to Shaggydredlocks, Psul, Tretter, Levi, ARD, Joreth, Roget, and so many others for help with developing and executing this concept!

The attached image is under Public Domain, and is a cropped/edit version of the original painting which can be found here.

Last edited on 20 Nov 2017 23:54 by DrBleep Show more

Salamander724 15 Aug 2017 07:16

This (warning for can be gross) can be more vivid graphic.

RJB_R 01 Apr 2017 01:10

The log was quite fun, I wish there was more to it but what was here gave me pause for thought.

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Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

DrBleep 01 Apr 2017 01:17

I really and seriously thought about doing an additional log, specifically involving the Nuckelavees stalking a group of Foundation Agents in Fukishima following the Nuclear disaster, in fact that was what the original accompanying logs were going to be. That kind of fell to the wayside when I spent the entirety of today writing and editing the WWI logs, as it became really clear to everyone who read them that an additional log would hinder the impact of the piece in it's current form.

Fortunately for everyone reading, following the end of the contest I will be doing one, maybe two Tales in an incident log style format detailing the Fukishima incident.

TL333s 01 Apr 2017 19:48

Stands out from other Horsemen-related skips due to the creepy imagery and combination with Nuckelavees, but I couldn't grok the journals at all. The writing just… doesn't feel like writing.

DrBleep 01 Apr 2017 21:13

I'm honestly not sure how to interpret the latter part of your statement, and might need a little bit of elaboration to understand where it's not working for you? I've received a lot of feedback regarding the Journals, mostly that they really really strongly make the article work well, but if there is something specific within them that doesn't really click for people, then I'd love to know what it is so I can improve it.

TL333s 01 Apr 2017 23:05

Not to be too crass, but it sounds like someone who isn't British trying to emulate the way a British person might have spoken back during WWI, and definitely does not come off as a document someone was actually writing. I mean, just starting with mentioning in real-time that an officer is coming; it'd take too long to write that to be able to react to the situation.

DrBleep 02 Apr 2017 00:15

I was afraid that the writing might come off that way. I've gone in and done a couple of things 1) I've removed/edited some of the more unrealistic writing things, like the one you mentioned above, and the "Am I a monster?" line, and attempted to adjust some of the others to be more realistic. 2) I've touched up the slang to be more era appropriate based on a bunch of digging and research I did, it's not perfect, and hopefully it doesn't make the logs more comedic, but I hope it resolves some of these issues.

Last edited on 02 Apr 2017 00:38 by DrBleep Show more

(account deleted) 02 Apr 2017 16:37

The only major complaint I have is that this feels like it ends just as it's getting started. Harkand's death feels decidedly abrupt and anticlimatic; that's not inherently a bad thing, but as the conclusion to your article it didn't work for me. I'm not all that curious about where they take people, simply because I don't have much of a reference point for that aspect of the horror. Stuff like 106's pocket dimension and the lake's ulterior dimension worked because we were provided certain context that allowed our minds to fill in the blanks; here, there's nothing, so it felt empty and kind of a useless plot point.

In more general terms, I do like the idea of a scipified Nuckalevee, but the execution and result ended up feeling unfortunately hollow.

DrBleep 02 Apr 2017 16:47

I actually want to clarify on a couple points you've made here. Harkand isn't dead, neither is Martin, or Brendan. None of them are dead, however I didn't want to outright state that within the article, so I put some very subtle details into the logs that may or may not have been easy to pick up on (some people have gotten it right away after reading, others haven't which is fine).

I juggled a delicate balance while writing this, I wanted to include an additional set of logs as I described in my response to Roget and the original discussion post, but based on the general feedback I received It felt more and more like an additional log would just take away from effect of the Journals. Perhaps once the 3000 contest has ended I will reevaluate this, and instead add an additional log straight in.

Also, to clarify, they aren't being transported to an additional dimension. This isn't extra dimensional. Wherever the Nuckelavees come from, it's still on Earth.

As an aside, is there anything you think I could do with the WWI logs that would help make it less anticlimactic?

Last edited on 02 Apr 2017 16:56 by DrBleep Show more

Hansang 11 Jan 2019 20:42

This skip is in my top 10, maybe even top 5 articles. It's just so well written, it gives me the creeps the whole way through the article and the incident report. The journals improve it greatly, and you paint a great picture. Also, I'm pretty sure I understand what you're implying happens to people. I like it. Also,

Also, to clarify, they aren't being transported to an additional dimension. This isn't extra dimensional. Wherever the Nuckelavees come from, it's still on Earth.

For some reason, this makes it even scarier to me.

Anyway, really well done. Easy +1s.

contravariant 03 Apr 2017 01:34

One part about the log isn't very believable - if the victims are all soldiers, and the writer was manning a machine gun nest at one point when he saw these things up close, why doesn't he ever get the idea to, like, shoot at them? It's one of the first things anyone would think of, even if they're ordered to save bullets, one would still fire out of panic at least. It could be that bullets don't hurt them, but it doesn't say that he fired on them and it didn't work, it comes across as that he never tried at all. And that's just really hard to believe for jumpy soldiers who are armed 24/7 and see something threatening.

DrBleep 03 Apr 2017 01:58

To clarify, he's not actually in the machinegun nest when most of the manifestations occur (Otherwise, hell yeah, he'd be shooting the hell out of that thing). However, this is a valid point…and I'll adjust it to reflect as much.

Jacob Conwell 03 Apr 2017 04:11

There is some nice imagery in how you describe the horsemen here. Combined with the fact that they appear during times of strife, and strife is one thing humanity as whole is very good at, creates what feels like an old school monster skip to me.

I will agree that the log at some times gets a bit campy and awkward, but it does build up the tension and make me wonder how these horsemen made their moves during other wars and conflicts.

+1. Neat article.

Sakutarou 03 Apr 2017 16:17

The description doesn't mention anything about them being resistant or impervious to weaponry, even though the log mentions it shrugging off being shot at. The containment procedures imply it by saying all neutralization efforts have failed so far, but I think that part should go in the description.

I thought it was good enough to upvote though. +1

DrBleep 03 Apr 2017 16:26

Could have sworn I included that originally, went back and added a line about that.

LordMetalton 05 Apr 2017 15:02

This is the first article in a while that cost me any sleep. +1

Halitherses 06 Apr 2017 04:03

Imagery is good. It would really be supported by a suitably creepy picture. Given that you have a painting in the comments, perhaps use that and label it "a soldier's depiction of the entity"?

The concept is not particularly innovative. "Creature that makes people vanish" and "horseman of the apocalypse" are both common themes. This doesn't necessarily mean the entry is bad in itself, but it does place a higher burden on the execution to carry it.

Focusing on reports of an SCP from a certain period in history is a novel idea. It's good to have a different type of protagonist from the usual researchers, MTF teams and D-class. Showing it from the eyes of someone in the early 1900s helps construct that atmosphere of horror.

However, personally for me, the journals are a start, but they don't do enough. Perhaps because by the time the reader gets to them, we already know how the creature functions due to the extensive description. Perhaps it's also because they only give a glance into the monster and don't have a sting or payoff.

My suggestion would be to reduce the 'tell' of the monster and its abilities in the description and focus on the 'show' in the journals. You could either flesh out the existing plot of the Sommes soldier some more or you could include different accounts from other time periods.

For now, -1.

DrBleep 06 Apr 2017 19:15

Just a heads up for everyone. I've added an expansive incident log to really flesh out the aspects of the concept you've yet to see in the WWI logs, and to provide some sort of penultimate hint at what is really going on.

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