Not bad, but the writing needs some work. And get rid of the parrot.
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Huh, so it's like Ice 9… Okay, using this, there are a few ways you could go to make it more creepy. I'm not exactly sure how far you can go without ripping it off entirely, since I've never read the source material (Kurt Vonnegut's "Cat's Cradle"), but what you could do is talk about how it's important to keep it out of the hands of the public, since it could spread (could be keter in this case). I also think you don't need to have an experiment log if you explain it well enough.
Apart from that:
How does "frozen strawberry jam" have a consistency different from any other solid material?
It's really long as it is. try to say as little as you can (to get your point across) in the containment info and the description.
Do we need to know how/where it was discovered?
edit- And, yeah, cut the parrot.
…Yeh. I stopped reading at "bioluminescent parrot".
The humor here is so out of place, and the tone whiplashes too much. The [DATA EXPUNGED]'s here are sometimes being used for quirkiness rather than vagueness, which really impedes the effect of the report. Otherwise, a novel idea.
Yep, I'm going to reiterate what Sophia Light, pooryoric and Dr Wolf have said. Too much quirkiness and Pythonesque humor, way too rambly. This could, however, be made a lot freakier.
Edit - Much better now.
Agreed, I rather like it now.
Chameleon X, I am disappoint. =|
Bright asked you five months ago to remove the experiment involving 216. Why was it still here?
Piffy is an SCP Foundation Moderator, Lv. 9001 Squishy Wizard, and Knight of the Red Pen.
Heh, just read that revision. super-chilling super cold anti ice.
This does look very much like SCP-409, doesn't it. Then again, I think I like this one more of the current incarnations of both - it reads better.
/forum/t-206984/scp-009#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
